For all of you with teenagers or who have had
teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have
a lot
in common with cats:
- Neither teenagers nor cats
turn their heads when you call them by
name.
- No matter what
you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are
barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them
hand and foot.
- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the
house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no
teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.
- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno,
neither your cat nor your
teen will ever crack a smile.
- No
cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
- Cats and teenagers
can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving,
barely breathing.
- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o
n as if they did.
- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same
manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.
- Cats and teenagers do not improve
anyone's furniture.
- Cats that are free to roam outside
sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit
a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of
behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources
of advice are not
other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a
good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put
out the food and do not make any sudden
moves in their direction. When
they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant moment for all
concerned.
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man
playing chess with
his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe
what I'm seeing, a cat
that plays chess, what a clever animal!!"
The man replied "Nah lady
this cats not clever at all I'm beating it
6 games to 1"
Little Tim
was in the garden filling in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "Whatcha doing,
Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking
up.
"And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was
concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your cat."
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat?
A:
When you are a mouse!
Q: Where did the kittens go on their class
trip? - A: To a mewseum.
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing,
scratching cat fight? - A: Claude
Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
- A:
Mice cream
Q: What do you call it when a cat bites? - A:
Catnip!
Q: What did the female cat say to the male cat? -
A: You're the
purrfect cat for me!
Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
- A: It's meow-sic to their ears!
Q: What's every cat's favorite song? - A: Three
Blind Mice!
Q: Where do cats write down notes? - A: Scratch
Paper!
Q: Why does everyone love cats? - A: They're
purr-fect!
Q: What do
you call a cat who eats lemons? -
A: A sourpuss!
Q: What do you call a
cat who's joined the
Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!
Q: Which game did the cat want to play with the
mouse? - A: Catch.
Q: What's a cat's favorite food? - A:
Petatoes!
Q: What's a cat's second favorite food? - A:
Spa-catti!
Q: What kind
of work does a weak cat do? - A:
Light mouse work.
Q: What kind of
cats lay around the house? -
A: Car-pets!
Q: How do cats buy things? - A: From a
cat-alogue!
Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her
kittens? - A: Because she
wanted to mail a litter.
Q: What do you call it when a cat stops? -
A:
A paws!
Q: Why do cats eat fur balls? - A: Because they
love a good
gag!
Q: What do you call a cat when he first wakes up
with the alarm
clock? - A: Catsup!
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed
me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and
take
good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey,
these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm,
dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a God!
Brother: Did you put the cat out ? Sister: Why, is
it on
fire ?
What looks like half a cat ?
The other half
!
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool
?
She had mittens !
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot
?
A carrot !
How do cats eat spaghetti ?
The same as
everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
How do cats
eat spaghetti ?
The same as
everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
What do cat
actors say on stage ?
Tabby or
not tabby !
What did the cat say when he lost all his money
?
I'm paw !
How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold
?
He has cat-arrh !
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling
?
She's got that down in the mouth look !
What do you get if you cross
a cat and a
gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night !
What is the cat's favourite TV
show ?
The
evening mews !
How is cat food sold ?
Usually purr can !
What noise does a cat make going down the highway
?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !
What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ?
A
catastrophe !
What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree
?
A cat-a-logue !
What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes
to
swim ?
An octopuss !
Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because
she wanted to be a first-aid kit !
Who was the most powerful
cat in China
?
Chairman Miaow !
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle
of
vinegar ?
A sourpuss !
What is cleverer than a talking cat ?
A
spelling bee !
How do you know that cats are sensitive
creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk !
What do you get if you cross a cat
with Father
Christmas ?
Santa Claws !
There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out.
How
many were left ?
None. They were all copy cats !
What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on
the sea ?
A catameringue !
Why do tomcats fight ?
Because they like
raising a stink !
Why is a crazy marmalade cat like
a biscuit
?
They are both ginger nuts !
What do you call a cat that has just
eaten a
whole duck ?
A duck filled fatty puss !
What kind of cat should you take into the
desert ?
A first aid kitty !
Why do cats chase birds ?
For a lark !
What do cats read in the morning ?
Mewspapers
!
On what should you mount a statue of your cat
?
A caterpillar !
What cat purrs more than any other ?
Purrsians
!
Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge
?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !
When the cat's away.....?
The house smells
better !
Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate
condensed milk !
What works in a circus, walks a
tightrope and
has claws ?
An acrocat !
What do you call a cat wearing shoes ?
Puss in
boots !
What does a cat call a bowl of mice ?
A
purrfect meal !
What is another way to describe a cat ?
A heat
seeking missile !
What did the cat do when he swallowed some
cheese ?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath !
Why are cats longer
in the evening than they
are in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and
taking in in the morning
!
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin
?
There was some money in the kitty !
Why did the cat sleep under the
car
?
Because she wanted to wake up oily !
When is it unlucky to see a black cat ?
When
your a mouse !
Why do black cats never shave ?
Because 8 out
of 10 cats prefer whiskas !
What did the black cat say
to the fish
?
I've got a bone to pick with you !
What's furry, has whiskers and
chases outlaws
?
A posse cat !
What is a black cat's favourite TV show
?
Miami Mice !
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to
a six foot wall ?
A good jumpurr !
Why are black cats such good singers?
They're
very mewsical.
Teacher: Name four members of the cat
family
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !
Which big cat should
you never play cards with
?
A cheetah !
When the cat's away.....?
The house smells
better !
Why was the cat so small ?
Because it only ate
condensed milk !
What is another way to describe
a cat ?
A
heat seeking missile !
What do cat actors say on stage ?
Tabby or not
tabby !
What is an octopus?
An eight-sided cat.
A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. "Excuse
me", he said to
the cat in charge, "Can you get milk stains out?"
"Sure," replied
the cat. "We'll have that stain licked in a
minute!"
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because
of the tree bark.
If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An
a-cat-emy award.
Q: Why couldn't the cat speak?
A: The dog
taped his mouth.
When you call a dog, they usually come to
you.
When you call a cat; they take a message.
"Doctor," said the
patient, "I need help! I
can't stop acting like a cat!"
"How long have you had this problem?"
the doctor asked.
"Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the
litter in '41
