What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle
Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Why are Christmas trees like bad
knitters
?
They both drop their needles !
What did the bald man say when he got
a
comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
Why is a burning candle like being
thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
What do you get if you
cross an apple
with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !
What do you give a train driver for
Christmas
?
Platform shoes !
What happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule
be happy !
Can I have a broken drum for
Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!
What do
you get if you cross Father
Christmas with a detective ?
Santa Clues !
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a
competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck !
What do you call a man who claps at
Christmas
?
Santapplause !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in
the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
Why is a cat on a beach like
Christmas
?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
What's Father Christmas
called when he
takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !
What's fat and jolly and runs on eight
wheels?
Father Christmas on roller skates!
Why does Father Christmas go down
chimneys?
Because they soot him!
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No
you can have turkey like everyone else !
What did the big cracker
say to the
little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !
Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The
turkey - he's always stuffed !
What bird has wings but cannot
fly
?
Roast turkey !
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas
cake ?
Your teeth !
What do vampires put on their turkey at
Christmas ?
Grave-y !
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It
was looking forward to Christmas!
How to cats greet each other at
Christmas ?
"A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !
Father Christmas lost
his umbrella but
he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!
What do you get hanging from Father
Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!
How do you make a slow reindeer fast
?
Don't feed it !
Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a
cricket
match?
Because they're both stopped by the rein.
What does Father Christmas
call that
reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!
What did Adam say on the day before
Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't
have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he
gets
stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the
chimney
on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go
down ?
Stacks !
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the
Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball !
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas
party ?
Chick to chick !
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas
party ?
It was a scream !
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party
?
Fancy a bite ?
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the
Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don't work,
give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of
Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your
bed...you'll soon drop off!
Doctor,
Doctor I'm scared of Father
Christmas
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
My problem is that I
keep stealing
things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me
something for
it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and
bring
me a new video camera.
I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are
small.
But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!
I wouldn't say
Christmas gnomes are
ugly,
But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside
out!
I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are
cross-eyed,
but when they cry the tears run down their back!
What do gnomes fear
most about
Christmas?
They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
Father
Christmas: How do I stop a
Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note
between his teeth and stick his head over
the side of the
sledge.
What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing
to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night?
Freeze a
jolly good fellow!
What's a ghosts favourite Christmas
entertainment ?
A phantomime !
Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step
on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You
certainly did!
Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the
right
row!
Father Christmas: All right, my good lady,
my face is my ticket.
Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch
out... there's a feller
inside who has the job of punching the
tickets.
Father Christmas:
What's your favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one about the ghost that steals
porridge!
Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!
Father Christmas:I
like the story about
the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to
Granny.
Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!
Father Christmas: What's your
favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared
of the Big Bad Wolf
and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You
mean 'The Three Little Figs'.
Elf: My favourite film is about the man who
casts spells in the middle of a swamp.
Father Christmas: That's
called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!
Someone
bought Scrooge a clock for
Christmas. He put it straight in the bank.
Why did he do that?
He was
trying to save time!
What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas
game?
Mean-opoly.
What's a hairdressers's favourite
Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'
A football supporter's favourite
Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'
A rabbit's favourite Christmas
song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
Who delievers cat's Christmas
presents
?
Santa Paws !
Who delievers elephants's Christmas
presents?
Elephanta Claus !
What game do reindeer play in their
stalls?
Stable-tennis!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the
beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !
What reindeer can jump higher than a
house?
They all can! Houses can't jump!
'Father Christmas has two
reindeer. He
calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell
me
why he does that!'
'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
'Because
tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'
'Father
Christmas has two reindeer. He
calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I
bet you can't tell me
why he does that!'
'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
'Because
tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'
Dear Father
Christmas, this Christmas
could you please send me a yellow door.
Yours, Sherlock
Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Lemon-entry my dear
watson.
Dear Father Christmas, could you please
send me some Crocodile shoes!.
Father Christmas: Can't do that one.
He hasn't said what size his
crocodile takes!
What's Christmas called in England
?
Yule Britannia !
What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas
song?
Jungle bells.
How long does it take to burn a candle down
?
About a wick !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at
Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
One time Father Christmas lost his
underpants.
That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
What does Father Christmas call his money
?
Iced lolly ?
I remember when Father Christmas first
passed his
sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the
toy factory.'Have
you passed?' I asked.
Father Christmas pointly
proudly to the front of the sleigh. 'See for
yourself!' he called
proudly. 'No-el plates!'
A group of mountain
climbers once heard
Father Christmas go past.
They must have had sharp ears!
They
were mountain-ears!
Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to
go out there and clear the snow!
I'm on my way, Father
Christmas.
Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on!
That's all
right! There's only one foot of snow!
I've had a slight
accident with your
sleigh, Father Christmas!
Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in
mint condition!
That's all right....now it's a mint with a
hole!
What does Dracula write on his Christmas
cards ?
Best vicious of the season
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas
?
A merry Christmas to ewe
Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us
oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an
orange!
Have you tried playing squash?
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our
chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use
to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
Last year's Christmas pudding was so
awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full
of currants!
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.
ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my
pencil! What
should I do?
SANTA: Use a pen.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North
Polish.
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child,
what would
he be called?
A subordinate claus.
Why does Santa's sled get such good
mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.
JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa
Claus?
MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
ELF NO. 1: What did
Santa shout to his
toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!
How do sheep in Mexico say
Merry
Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
Who sings "Love me tender", and makes
Christmas
toys?
Santa's little Elvis.
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind
his
manners the most?
"Rude"olph
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas!
What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH
OH NO!
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With
his North Pole-aroid.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What is the difference between the Christmas
alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has
NO EL.
What was wrong with the boy's
brand new
toy electric train set he
received for Christmas?
Forty feet of
track - all straight!
What was so good about he
neurotic doll
the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.
Once upon a time there was a little girl who
wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten
and
parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before
Christmas
and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting
your Christmas present a week early this year,' her
mother
explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten.
'Is that what
you want?'
The little girl said, 'It's wonderful,
mother...just what I wanted.
There's just one thing wrong!'
'What's that?' her mother asked.
'Well, it has a cute little claw
on the outside of every paw and
another little claw on the inside
of every paw - but the poor little thing
has no claws at all in the
middle of its paws!'
Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty.
When you wake up on Christmas
morning you'll find the claws are
there.'
Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie
d about the claws in
the middle of its paws. The days passed and
there wasn't even a hint, a
clue or an inkling of claws in the
middle of its paws.
When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still
no sign, Kitty went to
her mother and asked again, 'Are you
absolutely sure that the kitten
will have its middle claws tomorrow?
There's only a few hours to go and
there's not a hint or clue or an
inkling as to claws as far as I can
see.'
'Wait till you
wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and
went on
stuffing the turkey.
So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she
woke up on Christmas
morning she ignored the presents in her
stocking and rushed downstairs to
look at her little kitten.
She
was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her
kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if
by magic.
Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy
, Mummy! The kitten has
grown its middle claws!'
'Of
course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?'
Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh,
Kitty, everybody
knows that Centre-claws always comes at
Christmas!'
It was Christmas
eve, and Santa was
really busy making his list and checking it twice, when
there came a
knock at the door. His wife comes in. "Honey, where do
you want me to
put your boots and gloves?" Well, Santa is very busy and
so he's
slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her,
"Put
them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get
some work done."
He starts back to work, but a few minutes later
an elf barges in.
"Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should
we do with them?" Santa
snaps, "Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't
you see I'm trying to get
ready? I don't want any more
interruptions!"
But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there
is another
interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says,
"Santa, I have your
Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?"
And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange
l on top of
the Christmas tree.
"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas
tie?" "He said it was too tight."
Why was Santa's little helper
depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa
Claus?
Crisp Cringle.
What's the most popular wine at
Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts!"
Who brings the Christmas presents to
police stations?
Santa Clues.
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in
Decembrrrrr.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer
now
works for Proctor and Gamble?
Its true....Comet cleans
sinks!
Why does Santa Claus only have seven
reindeer?
Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly
Hills.
Why is
Christmas just like a day at the
office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all
the
credit.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they
were looking out their front
window?
"Looks like rein dear"
