Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of
humor?
A: Laughing stock.
What did the farmer call the cow that would not
give him any milk ?
An udder failure !
Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.
Farmer: Not
bunch, herd.
Camper: Heard what?
Farmer: Of cows.
Camper: Sure
I've heard of cows.
Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.
Camper: So
what? I have no secrets from cows!
Why do cows wear bells
around their
necks?
Because their horns don't work.
A man climbed over a fence into a
field to pick
some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull
safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!
A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows
should be milked.
"Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!"
the farmer
answered.
Cow: Why don't you shoo those flies?
Bull:
I'll let them go barefoot!
Did you hear about the farmer who
lost control
of his tractor in the cow pasture?
No! Did he hurt the cows?
No, he just grazed them!
Did you hear about the snobby cow?
She thought
she was a cutlet above the rest!
Does running out of a
burning barn make a cow
unusual?
No, only medium rare!
How did cows feel when the branding iron was
invented?
They were very impressed!
How did that bullfight come out?
Oh, it was a
toss-up!
How did the calf's final exam turn out?
Grade
A!
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A
Moosician!
How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He
tractor down
How do bulls drive their cars?
They steer
them!
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo
stick.
How does a cow do math?
With a cowculator!
How to you know that cows will be in
heaven?
It's a place of udder delight.
I can't decide whether to buy a
bicycle or a
cow for my farm.
Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?
I'd look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!
I hear you take milk baths.
That's right.
Why?
I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower!
If you crossed a cow
with a goat, what would
you get?
Half and half!
If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson, what
song
would you get?
"Beeflt!"
If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks,
what would
you get?
Milk and quackers!
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a
bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
The
mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!
If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?
She'll cream you!
In what state will you find the most cows?
Moo
York!
Is there big money in the cattle business?
So
I've herd!
I've just discovered a method for making wool out
of
milk!
But doesn't that make the cow feel a little
sheepish?
Pa's being
chased by a bull!
Well, what
in tarnation do you want me to do about it?
Get me some film for my
camera!
Teacher: Name five things that contain milk.
Pupil: Butter, cheese, ice cream ... and two cows!
That bull you sold
me is a lazy
good-for-nothing!
I told you he was a bum steer!
That tornado damage your cow barn any?
Dunno.
Haven't found the durn thing yet!
What animals do you bring
to bed?
Your
calves.
What are cows favorite party games?
MOO-sical
chairs!
What are the spots on black-and-white
cows?
Holstaines
What band is a cow favorite?
Moody Blues
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo
Zealand!
What did one dairy cow say to another?
Got
milk?
What did the calf say to the silo?
"Is my
fodder in there?"
What did the cow wear to the football game?
A
Jersey.
What did the mooron say when he saw the milk
cartons in the
grass?
"Hey! Look at the cow's nest!"
What do cows call Frank Sinatra?
Old Moo
Eyes!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to
the mooooovies.
What do cows do when they're introduced?
They
give each other a milk shake!
What do cows get when they are sick?
Hay
Fever
What do cows get when they do all their
chores?
Mooney.
What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?
Ride on the roller cowster.
What do cows like to listen to?
Moo-sic!
What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The
moospaper!
What do cows sing at their friends birthday
parties?
"Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo
What do cows usually
fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
What do cows wear when they're
vacationing in
Hawaii?
Moo moos
What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing
machine?
Hamburger!
What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by
boat?
Shipped beef!
What do you call a cow on the barnyard
floor?
Ground Beef
What do you call a cow who argues with her
husband?
A bullfighter!
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a group of cattle sent into
orbit?
The first herd shot round the world!
What do you call a sleeping
bull?
A
bull-dozer.
What do you call a tired cow?
Milked out!
What do you call a cow that doesn't give
milk?
A milk dud!
What do you call a cow that fell in a hole?
A
hole-y Cow!
What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
De-calfinated!
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists
office?
An encownter group.
What do you call explosive cow vomit?
A cud
missle!
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer
space?
Steer Wars.
What do you call it when one bull spies on another
bull?
A steak-out!
What do you get from a cow on the North Pole?
Cold cream!
What do you get from a cowmedian?
Cream of
Wit!
What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of
amnesia!
What do you get from a short-legged cow?
Dragon milk!
What do you get from an invisible cow?
Evaporated milk!
What do you get from pampered cows?
Spoiled
milk!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel,
a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockerpoodlemoo!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension
headache?
A bad mood!
What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry,
and a
sofa?
A cowch potato!
What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a
knight?
Sir Loin!
What do you get if you cross a steer and a
chicken?
Roost beef!
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a
kangaroo?
A kangamoo!
What does a cow like to do by a campfire?
Roast
Moosmallows!
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A
COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
What famous painting do cows love to look
at?
The Moona Lisa!
What game do little cows like to play?
Moonopoly.
What gives milk and has a horn?
A milk tank!
What goes oo ooo oooo?
A cow with no lips.
What hair style is a calf's favorite?
The
cowlick!
What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody's
herd.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It
grows a Moostache.
What happens when the cows refuse to be
milked?
Udder chaos!
What has four legs and goes, "Oom! Oom!"?
A
cow walking backwards!
What is a cow's favorite lunch
meat?
Bullogna
What is a moo hoo for a cow fight?
A cattle
battle!
What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the
thresher?
Ground round!
What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner?
A charmer farmer!
What is a moo hoo for a sheepish steer?
A
woolly bully!
What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?
Filet delay!
What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the
back
end of the cow?
A tail pail!
What is the definition of "derange"?
De place
where de cowboys ride!
What is the definition of "moon"?
The past
tense of "moo"!
What is the golden rule for cows?
Do unto
udders as you would have udders do to you!
What is the most
important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.
What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Eski-moos!
What magazine makes cows stampede to the
newsstand?
Cows-mopolitan!
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a
cow?
Cowboom!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a
What two members of the cow family go everywhere
with you?
Your calves!
What US state has the most cows?
Moosouri!
What would you get if you crossed a cow with a
rabbit?
Hare in your milk!
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic!
What's a cow's favorite moosical
note?
Beef-flat!
What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle?
A nerd herd!
What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner?
Cow
chow!
What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday?
A merry dairy!
What's a moo hoo for a darling bull?
A dear
steer!
What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer?
A full
bull!
What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two
longhorns?
A bull pull!
What's a moo hoo for a young calf?
A new
moo!
What's a moo hoo for grazing school?
Grass
class!
What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a
cow
spits?
A cud thud!
When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what
does he
put on his head?
Steer phones!
When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns
his cow into pasture.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case!
Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat?
To the calf-ateria!
Where do cows like to live? St. Moo-is.
Where
do cows like to ride on trains?
In
the cow-boose.
Where do Danish cows come from?
Cowpenhagenf
Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous
cows!
Where do Russian cows come from?
Moscow!
Where do steers go to dance?
To the Meat
Ball!
Where does a cow stop to drink?
The milky
way!
Why are cpws made for dancing?
They're all
born hoofers!
Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?
She was
pasteurized!
Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
She heard he
was a cowpuncher!
Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to
leave her
calf alone?
She thought children should be seen and not herded!
Why did the cow
jump over the moon?
To get
to the Milky Way!
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He
wanted rich milk!
Why did the farmer fence in the bull?
The
farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
Why did the
farmer put brandy in the cow's
food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef!
Why did the farmer put his cow on
the
scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
Why did the moron give
the sleepy cow a
hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip
cream!
Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?
It
wants to keep it's Stockholm!
Why don't cows ever have any
money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
Why was he woman arrested on a
cattle ranch
for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling!
Why was the calf afraid?
He was a cow-herd!
Why wouldn't anyone play with the little
longhorn?
He was too much of a bully!
Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into
the fence to keep from hitting the cow!
Was it a Jersey cow?
I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!
What is a cow's
favourite TV show ?
Dr
Moo !
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would
you have ?
Plenty of milk !
What's the best way to make a bull sweat ?
Put him in a tight jumper !
Why do cows like being told jokes ?
Because
they like being amoosed !
What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus
?
A cow that can milk itself !
Q. What does a cow make when the sun
comes
out?
A. A shadow
What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with
tanning
oil?
Pre-tanned leather.
