The Fire brigade phones George Graham in
the
early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart
Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries
George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
After the
fire-truck arrived at a
burning building in a small Spanish town, the
firemen observed a man
dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on
the roof. Four of
the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape
from the
burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and
loudly
proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing,
not even
fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept
prancing
around while repeating the same phrase over and over until
the firemen got
really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when
the flames began to
scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed
his mind, was ready to
jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his
body hurtled toward the
safety-net, the four firemen shouted,
"Ole!" and quickly moved it
aside.
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory
was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man
explained:
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"
A man calls the fire
department and
says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I
have a nice
new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new
rose
garden."
"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have
to do
with the fire service?"
"Well," the man answers, "the
house next door is on fire and I
don't want you to trample my front
yard."
How many firemen does it take
to change
a light bulb?
Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to
change the bulb.
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look
out
the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in
the afternoon.
Three firefighters
went out on a
hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief.
The weather
was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across
an
old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down
his cards and
said "that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes
later, the rookie came
back with a nice four point buck.
The
captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied,
"I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck".
The captain then said, "I've had enough
of this I am going to get
my deer." He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The
chief asked, "how
did you get that?" The captain replied,
"I walked
out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this
buck." The
chief not wanting to be out done
said "I am out of here, I am g
oing to bag the biggest buck of the
day." He came back an hour
later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what
happened to you?"
The chief replied, "I walked out there
five
hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a
train."
here were these 3 Riverside City Firemen
who always went bird hunting
together and they always rented
a
hunting dog name Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would
always hold point and find any
birds they shoot. One year they
did't go hunting and the farmer rented
Rex out to some Corona City
Firemen
who used him that season. The next year the Riverside guys
went to rent
Rex from the farmer for hunting but
the farmer had
bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any
good for
hunting and didn't have a
replacement for him and to tell the Corona
firemen they were not
welcome there any more and that if he saw
them
he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex. The R.F.D.
guys asked the farmer what the
Corona boys did that could be so bad.
Well the farmer said last year
when they rented Rex it all started
off fine
until one of the Corona guys decided to rename him. We
ll whats wrong
with that they asked. The farmer said
they
renamed him CHIEF and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark
all the
time.
Q: Did you know that the three wise men
were firemen?
A: It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).
A fireman and
policeman died and both
went to heaven where they were issued their wings with
the
warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off.
Well,
everything went well for some time then
one day they passed
a very attractive and well put together young lady.
As the fireman
turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to
pick them up the
policemans wings fell off.
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When
he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly
gates.
He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in
line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let
me in. I'm a
fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have
to
wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back
of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red
lights and a man got
out wearing a white
helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to
attention and let the
chief enter heaven. The waiting fire
chief
was pissed and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you
let that fire chief go through and not me?" To
which the angels
replied, "You have it all
wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's
a Fire Chief."
Seems
the Shah of Iran was visiting
Disneyland with his young son. The son
seemed to be having a good
time
but had that look that something else was on his mind. The Shah
asked,
"What do you really want, Son?" The
Son said, "A Mickey
Mouse Outfit." With that, the Shaw went out and
bought him a uniform
from the
neighboring Fire Department.
Q. What does CHAOS stand for?
A.The
Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
If - H 2 O - is on the inside of
a
fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K 9 P
Q.What do you get when you cross a Fire
Chief two Lotus Notes
Gurus ?
A. FireWeb .... of course!
One day a boy was drowning in a near by
lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the
beach
and began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped
on the boys chest. With great
amazement water was pooring from
the boys mouth. Each time the
firefighter pumped more water came
out.
A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then
more
water started coming out of the boys
mouth. The firefighter
feared this would never stop. Just then, a
paramedic arrived and
quickly ran over to the
firefighter and b lurted out. "Hey Chief! You
better get that kids ass
out of the water before you pump that
lake
dry".
There was a huge fire at a big city soda
factory. The city
company was losing ground and the owner
was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in
the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give
10,000 dollars to the department that got the
formula. An hour later
no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12
departments couldn't
subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised
the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town
department
drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with
the formula. When asked what they
would do with the money one
said,
"Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."
When the employees of a
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official
demonstrate the
proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a
hand
grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger
to release
the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a
controlled fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot
to
pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade,
remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled
the
extinguisher at the blaze.
Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman
is dead?
A. The remote control slips from his hand.
Q.How do you put out a
fire?
A.Take away the HEAT , FUEL , OXYGEN , or the CHIEF!
Q. How do you get down from an aerial
ladder?
A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down
from a
duck.
Q. What kind of ears do pumpers have?
A. Engineers.
All of the firefighters at my station are
quick.
They're even "fast" asleep!
What usually comes after the monster
lights the birthday candles?
The fire department.
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To
keep their pants up.
What did the fireman say when the church
caught on fire?
"Holy smoke!"
What did the fireman's wife get for
Christmas ?
A ladder in her stocking !
A fire started on some grassland near a
farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called
to
put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the
small town fire department could
handle, so someone suggested that a
rural volunteer fire department be
called. Though there was doubt
that they would be of any assistance, the
call was made.
The
volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out
the
center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily
controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared,
that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for
$1000. A local news reporter
asked the volunteer fire captain what
the department planned to do with
the funds.
"That should be
obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're
gonna do is get the
brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
Q: What is
the first thing off the
truck at a trailer fire?
A: Lawn chair.
Two fellows were sitting in a coffee
shop...suddenly
the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and
headed for the
door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know
you were a
fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my
girlfriend's husband is..."
A fire broke out in a six story apartment
building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a
brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the
fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and
the
Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The
brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters
pulled
the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The
firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the
redhead
to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the
redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she
divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with
redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped.
On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters
pulled the blanket away
and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters a
gain held up the blanket and the Chief told the
blonde to jump.
The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival
was to
jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two
friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the
brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will
not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK
I'll jump - but first I want you
to lay the blanket on the ground,
back away, and then I'll jump into
it."
During a big fire downtown the firemen
were having a bit of
trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor
with her baby. The fire
fighters instructed her to toss the child out
the window, under which they
had placed a net, but the mother
refused. Things looked grim until a
tall, well-built black man burst
through the crowd and shouted to the
women. He said that he was a
professional football player and that he
could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by
the man, the mother
finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking
catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised
the child high in the air, spiked
it on the ground and yelled,
"TOUCHDOWN!!"
Q. What does CHAOS stand
for?
A.
The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
When the employees of a
restaurant
attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official
demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a
hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the
foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled
fire in the
parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the
pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a
burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the
extinguisher at the blaze.
A firefighter died and went to hell where
he finds
a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a
wall, with his friends names under
them, he asked the devil, what the
clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on
earth, their
clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I
don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil
replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're
using it for a
fan."
The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town
had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his
friends and
family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped
because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard
from the
grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "Don't
worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out."
Q. A fireman had
two sons. What did he
name them?
A. Hosea and Hoseb
Q: What word begins with the letter "F"
and ends
in "UCK"?
A: FIRETRUCK.
