Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Hey
Baby, what's SHAKING!
One day, Bill and Tom went to a
restaurant for
dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly
picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about
that: "When are you going to learn to be
polite?"
Bill: "If
you had the chance to pick first, which one would you
pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining
about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?"
A customer was bothering the waiter in a
restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because
he was
too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too
cold, and so on
for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the
waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw
out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
A customer was bothering the
waiter in a
restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be
turned up
because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause
he was too
cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter
was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw out
the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
A family of three tomatoes
were walking
downtown one day when the little baby tomato started
lagging behind. The
big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps
on her,
squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker
under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
The snack bar next door to an
atom smasher
was called "The Fission Chips."
A new chef from India
was fired a week after
starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
A
couple of kids tried using pickles for a
Ping-Pong game. They had the
volley of the Dills.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and
Chocolate.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he
suffers from pickled hearing.
Overweight is something that just sort of
snacks up on you.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay
waiter."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I
am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a
32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food
fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began
throwing
sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly
threw the
woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents
spilling to the
floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she
allegedly stuffed
lettuce into the man's mouth.
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to
eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during
meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the
question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce,
but now it's
gone.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and
found themselves
being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here
is your oceanside
condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming
pool, and two golf
courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop
by any of the many bars
located throughout the area."
"Heck,
Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Q: Ever wonder
about people who pay $2 for a
bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
A lady was picking through the
frozen turkeys
at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her
family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A friend and I were standing in line at a
fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big
sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be
accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
The
American tourist in Dublin had been
complaining a great deal about the
food.
"Here," he said to the
waitress holding out a piece of meat for
inspection, "do you call
that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked
sweetly.
A man
went into a deli shop and took a seat
at the lunch counter. "Give me a
corned beef sandwich," he
ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a
sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's
a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue,
bologna, tomato, lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted
raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two
slices of
white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why,
sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One
Midnight
Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato,
lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white,
untoasted!"
What are the four food groups?
For
bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.
For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley
and Yeast.
For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.
At a dinner party, one
of the guests, an
obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone
and
everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he
picked it up with his
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this
pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of
the fork are you referring to?'
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he
replied. "We just
tell them straight out that they're going to
die."
Q. What's worse
than finding a worm in the
apple you're eating?
A. Finding half a worm.
What is the title of the new Vietnamamese
cookbook ?
100 way to wok your dog.
What's red and invisible?
No
tomatoes.
Why did the grape cross the road?
To get
away from the grapefruit.
What's the difference between a homeless and a
pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
What ghost is handy in the
kitchen?
A
recipe spook.
I'd say he was spineless.
Yes, about as
spineless as cooked spaghetti.
What sort of soup do
skeletons like?
One
with plenty of body in it.
How do you make gold soup?
Put 14 carrots in
it.
Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep.
I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite
!
What are apricots?
Where monkeys sleep.
What's the best day to eat bacon?
Fry-day.
What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
A
hamster.
What's the difference between a biscuit and a
monster?
You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big
to fit in
the cup.
Why did the biscuit cry?
Because its mother
had been a wafer so long.
Have you got any broken
biscuits?
Yes, I
have.
Well, you shouldn't be so clumsy!
What did the biscuit say when it
saw two
friends knocked down?
Crumbs!
Why did your brother give up his job in the
biscuit factory?
Because he went crackers.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
slice
of bread.
Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.
Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to
instil good table manners in her girls?
She told them that a
well brought girl never crumbles her bread or
rolls in her soup.
They say she has a sharp tongue.
Yes, she can
slice bread with it.
Have you heard the story about the
loaf of
bread?
No.
Oh, crumbs.
Why can't you make bread like my mother?
I
would if you could make dough like your father!
What looks just
like half a loaf of bread?
Its other half.
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are
we running so fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are
we running so
fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered
host.
How do you know that a elephant's been in the
fridge?
There are foot prints in the butter. "
And what's your name?" the
secretary asked
the next new boy. "Butter." "I hope your first
name's not Roland,"
smirked the secretary. "No, ma'am. It's
Brendan."
Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is
butter made from imitation cows.
Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found
you
with your fingers in the butter again?
That's funny, Mom. I can't
remember either.
What do you call two
rows of cabbages ?
A
dual cabbageway !
Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch
Doll?
Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
My Aunt Maud had so many candles
on her last
birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !
What's the fastest cake in the world?
Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.
Flo: Try some of my sponge cake.
Joe: It's a
bit tough.
Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the
chemist this
morning.
Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones?
Mrs
Jones: Yes, very much.
Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't
have any taste.
What
cake wanted to rule the world?
Attila the Bun.
What did the snake say when he was offered a
piece of
cheese for dinner?
Thank you, I'll just have a
slither.
What musical instrument goes with cheese?
Picklelo.
Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch
today. .
Cook: There is.
Fred: No, there isn't. There's only
cheese pie.
Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
What cheese is made
backwards?
Edam.
Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula:
Marshmallows,
chocolate fudge cake...
Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the
larder yesterday, and now there's only one. Why?
Fred: I
don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other
one.
I went to see my doctor to see if he could help
me give up smoking.
What did he say?
He suggested that every
time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a
bar of chocolate.
Did that do any good?
No - I can't get the chocolate to light.
Boy: What's black, slimy,
with hairy legs
and eyes on stalks?
Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about
what's in the tin.
An
irate woman burst into the baker's shop
and said, "I sent my son in for
two pounds of cookies this morning
but when I weighed them there was
only one pound. I suggest you
check your scales." The baker looked at
her calmly for a moment or two
and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you
weigh your son."
Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to
come
away from that cookie tin?
No more, mom. It's empty.
What's the difference between a vampire
and
a cookie?
You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
Three cookies were crossing the road when the
first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he
reached
the pavement in safety?
Crumbs!
How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
She
holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with
fright.
At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after
egg from a little
boy's ear.
"There!" he said proudly. "I bet
your Mum can't produce eggs
without hens, can she?"
"Oh yes, she
can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."
What happens
if you play tabletennis with a
bad egg?
First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
My brother's on a seafood
diet.
Really?
Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in
Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard
you the first time," came the reply.
What's red and green and wears
boxing
gloves?
A fruit punch.
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what
fruit
would it remind you of?
Pupil: A pear.
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her
skin
had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her
lips like
cherries - that's my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a
fruit salad to me.
Why did the teacher have
her hair in a bun?
Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter
of a pound of ground beef?
A humburger.
When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he
become?
Lone Lee.
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine?
They keep repeating themselves.
What did the female mushroom say
about the
male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
An elderly couple were killed in an
accident
and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint
Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts,
swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just
stop by any of the many bars located throughout the
area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown
one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big
father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her,
squashing her
into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
What did the ice cream say
to the unhappy
cake?
"Hey, what's eating you?"
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered
two
slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with
lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.
'Would you like a
cherry on the top ?' asked the waitress.
'No, thanks,' said the
girl, 'I'm on a diet !'
Camper: There's
something wrong with my hot
dog.
Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.
How can you tell the
difference between a can
of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.
What food are you able to can?
Cannibal (can
able) food.
What food is good for the brain?
Noodle
soup.
Why are oranges like bells?
You can peel
(peal) both of them.
How can you make a soup rich?
Add 14 carrots
(carats) to it.
What could you do if you were on a
desert
island without food or water?
Open your watch: drink from the spring,
and eat the sand which is
(sandwiches) there.
If there were no food left, what could people
do?
Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people
could
have their traffic jams.
What do you get if you cross an alien and a
hot drink ?
Gravi-tea !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bacon !
Bacon
who ?
Bacon a cake for your birthday !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bean !
Bean
who ?
Bean working very hard today !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Beef !
Beef
who ?
Beef fair now !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Butter
!
Butter who ?
Butter wrap up - it's cold out here !
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best
are meatloaf
and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a
nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"
HUSBAND: "No
thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
Q:
What what can you make from baked beans
and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Several women were discussing what they should
have for
dinner. "If you're watching your weight," came one
suggestion,
"those diet frozen dinners are good." The man then added: "But
get two.
They're small."
Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice?
Why? Do I look like one?
Would you like a duck egg for supper?
Only if
you quack it for me.
What vegetable needs a plumber?
A leek.
What's a fresh vegetable? One that insults a
farmer.
Did
you hear about the two peanuts walking in
the woods?
One was "a-salted."
Q: What did one strawberry say to the
other?
A:"Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"
Q: What do you call a
fake noodle?
A: An
Impasta.
What do you call an egg from outer space?
An
unidentified flying omelet!
What's a doll's favorite food?
Barbie-Q!
Q: What do you call cheese that's not
yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. He
was feeling crummy!
