A man walks outside to his car for work, when
he
notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and
finds the
animal control number, calls and asks them to send over
someone who's
a gorilla expert.
When the man arrives, he is
carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair
of handcuffs. The man
says,''What are all of those for?''
The animal control officer
says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock
the gorilla down, the dog
will bite him in the nuts and you must slap
the handcuffs on his
wrists.''
The man asks,''What is the gun for?''
The
animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the
dog!'''
Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a
tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of
the tree
?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why are gorillas so noisy?
A: They were
raised in a zoo!
Q: What do you get when you put an
experimental monkey in a blender?
A: Rhesus Pieces.
Q. Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a
race?
A. Because all his friends shout, "GO-RILLA!"
Do you know a
favourite expression used by
the Gorillas?
Apesy daisy!
Do Apes kiss?
Yes, but never on the first
date!
How come the giant Ape climbed up
the side
of the skyscraper?
The elevator was broken!
How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington
at Valley Forge?
He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants
You!'
How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy'
Calendar?
She was 'Miss Ape-ril!'
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty
contest?
She was the beast of the show!
How did the dog warn its master that a
Gorilla was approaching?
He barked g-r-r-r-illa!
How did the obscene telephone caller get
attacked by the Gorilla?
He made a mistake and dialled a preyer!
How do we know that Apes are
like fish
after a rainstorm?
They'll both bite at anything!
How do you make a Gorilla float?
Two scoops
of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!
How
do you make a Gorilla laugh?
Tell
it an elephant joke!
How do you make a Gorilla stew?
You keep it
waiting for three hours!
How do you prepare a Gorilla
sundae?
Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
How do you stop a
thundering herd of
Apes?
Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''
How does a Gorilla become another
animal?
When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the
big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon!
If George
Raft's wife gave birth to twin
Gorillas, would they be the Apes of
Raft?
If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in
a bedroom, what do you
have?
A very large bedroom.
If you throw a great Ape into one of the Great
Lakes, what will it become?
Wet!
What did George Washington have to do with
Gorillas?
As little as possible, dummy!
What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a
gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?
Paul,
stop monkeying around!
What did the Gorilla call his first
wife?
His prime-mate!
What did the Gorilla do when he saw the sign,
'Clean
Washroom'?
He cleaned it!
What did the great Ape say as he plummeted
from the
skyscraper?
Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you!
What did the great Ape
shout to the pilots
who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper?
Listen, hotshots, don't
monkey around with me!
What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to
Paris?
Ape Suzettes!
What do you feed a 600 pound
Gorilla?
Anything it wants!
What does a Gorilla attorney study?
The Law
of the jungle!
What does a Gorilla learn first in
school?
The Apey-cees!
What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a
pretty
girl?
I can't help it - she brings out the beast in
me!
What gives a gorilla good taste?
Four years
in an Ivy League school!
What happened when the Ape won
the door
prize?
He didn't take it - he already had a door!
What happens if you cross
a parrot with a
Gorilla?
Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd
listen!
What happens if you cross an Ape with an
octopus?
You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
What happens when you throw
one banana to
two hungry Apes?
A banana split!
What is the Ape monster's name?
Godzilla
Gorilla!
What political party entices most
Gorillas?
The Treepublican Party!
What would happen if you crossed Magilla
Gorilla with a Saint Bernard?
It would drink the brandy it would
carry and act like a big
Gorilla!
What's black, brown and white, black, brown
and white, brown and
white, etc.?
A Gorilla riding down a
snowbank!
What's black, hairy, and writes
under
water?
A ball-point gorilla!
What's hairy and flies through the
air?
Jonathan Livingstone Gorilla!
When did the Gorillas start to picket
the
cookie factory?
The day they started to manufacture animal
crackers!
When the
lumberjacks sawed down the tree,
where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost
branches
land?
Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!
Where did the
Gorilla play baseball?
In
the bush leagues,of course!
Which author do the Gorillas love
most?
Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'
Which book makes prudish Gorillas
blush?
The Naked Ape!
Which city holds the record for the most
suicides
committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall
building?
Fall-adelphia!
Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
An
ape-ricot sour!
Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb?
A
fiend in need is a fiend indeed!
Which operetta make the Gorilla
crack
up?
Nutty Marietta!
Which song title makes an Ape
heartsick?
Gorilla My Dreams!
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from
another
animal when it gets romantic?
The bear hug!
Which two names figure prominently in every
Ape's
diet?
Ben/Anna!
Which wrestler do the Gorillas admire
most?
Gorilla Monsoon - he knows the ropes!
Who is the Gorillas' favourite
playwright?
Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'
Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of
recent years?
Hairy Truman!
Why are Gorillas underpaid?
They're
willing to work peanuts!
Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher
make it
in the major leagues?
His balk was worse than his bite!
Why did both Germany and the U.S
want to
hire Apes during World War Two?
Because they are excellent at waging
Gorilla warfare!
Why did the
actor fire his Gorilla
agent?
The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
Why did the Ape jump off the building?
He
wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!
Why did the
girl Gorilla, engaged to the
invisible man, call off the wedding?
Because in the last analysis she
just couldn't see it!
Why did the
Gorilla enlist in the ragged
continental army?
To avoid the draft!
Why did the Gorilla fail English?
He had
little Ape-titude!
Why did the Gorilla visit Italy?
An
advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!
Why do apes climb to the tops of
buildings?
The elevator men are on strike!
Why do Apes like tall buildings?
They want
to climb the heights of the business world!
Why do Apes
love to go to school in bad
neighbourhoods?
They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!
Why do the Gorillas
like Jimmy
Carter?
They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!
Why do waiters
like Gorillas better than
flies?
Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a
Gorilla in
my soup!'
Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape
money?
It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!
Why do primates do so
well in show
biz?
Put any Ape in the spotlight - and monkeyshines!
A gorilla was
walking through the jungle
when he came across a deer eating grass in a
clearing. The gorilla
roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer
replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he
came across a zebra drinking at
a water hole. The gorilla roared,
'Who is the king of the jungle?'
and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you
are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across
an elephant. 'Who
is the king of the jungle?' he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on
him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay,
okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the
answer.'
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A:
They have big fingers.
Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece
of raw meat on his head?
A. He thought he was a gorilla.
(griller)!
