A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets
to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few
questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why
did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders
a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them
such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
A new York Divorce Lawyer died
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you
done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then
said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the
street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and
after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint
Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's
more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint
Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,
too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding
inside a
refrigerator..."
Three men were standing in line to get
into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart
attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty
bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
The second
man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and
again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You
see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I
must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his
story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside
a
refrigerator..."
A forester and a lawyer were in car
accident and showed up at
the pearly gates together.
St. Peter
greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the
homeswhere
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy
vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,
which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge
mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your
home
for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you
need, just
let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to
his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold,
down an avenue of silver, along
a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath
to a shack. St Peter
says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the
forester says
"Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion
and I get this s
hack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have
never had a lawyer before."
Three men died in a car accident and
met
Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto
them saying, "I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the
truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you
lie....Hell is
waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times
did you cheat on your
wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a
good husband. I never
cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very
good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your
wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your
transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on
your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my
wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for
your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did y
ou cheat on
your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on
my wife about
8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come
in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for
your transportation.
A couple hours later
the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why
are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the
mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw
my wife a little
while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Two men died and went to Heaven. St.
Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy,
"I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!"
"No
problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And
what
do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like
to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says, "One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!"
A fellow finds himself in front of
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in
heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.
Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter
was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Did you know that
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
it
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find
his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil
over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan
agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?"
replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered
God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a
lawyer?"
Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an
orientation.
They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."
The
last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's
moving!"
Three men die in a car accident
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
"They're
Carol's."
St. Peter is questioning three married
couples to see if they qualify for admittance to
heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the
men,
who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he
answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you
even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same
question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
"Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here."
This guy dies and is sent
to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he
must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan
opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in
cow
manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the
next
room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow
manure up to
their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally,
Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
people
in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
and
eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan
says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking
his tea thinking,
"Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head
around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back
on your heads!"
Recently
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: "How many people died
on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. "1,228,"
he answered.
"That's right! You may
enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Everybody on earth
dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two
lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want
all
the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time
God looks the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the
men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on
the line of men that
dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from
him!" Tell them my
son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man
said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Three
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.
This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
thick
black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was
heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil
saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
One day at the entrance to heaven, St.
Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly
Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God
and said,
"God,
there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do
I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct
them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to
carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes
running back
yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New
Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."
A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
St.
Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says,
"Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates
of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the
gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there
being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet
when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's
Witnesses are in room 8, and
they think they're the only ones
here.
There once was a rich man who
was
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for
his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he
began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with
him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.
The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel
reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take
one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't
bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
pavement?!!!"
A famous professor of surgery died and
went to heaven. At the
pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a
sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the
hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the
Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the
referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that
now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor
sin. You may
enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,'
the professor ansvered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the
gatekeeper. 'He is having his
lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
President Clinton died and knocked at
the
Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana,
but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
And I lied,
but I didn't commit perjury."
After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time,
but we
won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon
entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze
over."
One day while walking down the street
a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and
she
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said
St.Peter. "Before
you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see,
strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it
this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think
I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The d
oors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They
ran up and kissed her on both cheeks
and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of
golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually
a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved
good- bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up
and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting
for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24
hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for
a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I
mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I
think I had a
better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found
herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around
her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was
here and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and
smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you;
today you're staff."
Three people die, a Doctor a school
teacher
and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by
St. Peter he
asks the Doctor 'what did you do on
Earth?'
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would
do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go
in.'
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught
educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may
go
in.'
St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his
head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which
St. Peter replied,
'you may go in, but you can only stay 3
days.'
Two Irish friends
greeted each
other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This
reminds me of
Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the
other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St.
Peter, he
said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long
time.' 'Well,
Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million
years as a minute
and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said
Finnegan, 'I'm needing
cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St.
Peter, 'just wait a
minute.'"
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael
and Tim, passed over at
the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly
Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the
boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through
these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for
eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire
ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he
might, sure enough
he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one
of the homliest
colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well
love, you
stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And
of course
the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion
was even
the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And
he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou
rt
without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken
by a young
lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed
woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand
it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm
sure I don't either, I
was walking along minding my own business,
when all of a sudden I stepped
on a duck."
So this trumpet player dies. When he
reaches is
everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're
going to spend eternity
with this combo, okay? There's a bass player
named 'Mingus' and a
pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we
expect this 'Blakey' guy to
show up with his drums.
"Wow!"
the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."
The
man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl
singer."
Three men die and go to heaven and
queue to meet St. Peter.
St. Peter: Hi, what's your
name?
Paul: My name is Paul.
St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you
died, how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.
St. Peter:
Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of
money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.
St. Peter: That's great. Come on
in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi, what's your
name?
Roger: My name is Roger.
St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me,
when you died, how much were you
earning?
Roger:
60K.
St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a
living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
St. Peter: That's
very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the
second man. Hi,
what's your name?
John: My name is John.
St. Peter: Hi,
John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you
died
?
John: About $23,000.
St. Peter: Hey, that's
fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did
you play?
This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf
courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?"
asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate
when a man walks
up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you
do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I
kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of
kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few
moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son.
What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a
traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for
travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few
moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What
did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he
responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a
Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I have to leave
for a bit, watch the gate will
you?"
A priest and a taxi driver both died
and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for
them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion.
It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
olympic
size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed
and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you
are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went
to church every
day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed.'
A cat and a mouse died on the same
day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them
'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's
great, but can I get a pair of roller
skates?' God said 'Sure', and
he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the
cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here
so far?' and the cat
replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on
wheels up
here!'
A religious man is on top of a roof
during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get
in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause "God
will grant him a
miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down."
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, "I don't know what you're c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter."
Three college football coaches were
flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three
died.
They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God
motioned
for one of them to come into the clouds.
God
wanted to know three things: "Who are you? What did you do? What
did
people think of you?"
The first coach said, "I'm Joe Paterno. I
coached Penn State from
1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl
victories, 2 national
championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times.
The people of Pennsylvania think
I'm great."
God said,
"Fine, Joe, stand at my right side."
The next person said, "I'm
Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State
University from 1980 to 2000.
I had a .816 win percentage, played in 14
bowl games without a loss
and won a national championship after beating
Nebraska. The people
of Florida think I'm great."
God said, "Fine, Bobby, stan
d at my left side."
The third coach stood before God and said,
"I'm Bob Stoops. I took
over a storied Oklahoma program that had
won 6 national championships and
held many NCAA records but had
fallen to the lowest of the low. In the
3 years prior to me taking over
the Sooners they went 3-8 (worst season
in 102 years of football),
4-8, and 5-6, beating Texas only once and
not beating Colorado or
Nebraska, not to mention losing to OSU. I coached
the Sooners for a
season and a half, going 7-5 in my first year beating
a top-15
Texas A&M with my unranked team and taking the Sooners to a
bowl game.
7 games into my second season we were undefeated and I took
the
Sooners to #1 in the AP poll, Coaches poll, and BCS poll. We beat #10
Texas 63-14, #2 Kansas State in Manhattan 41-31, and #1 Nebraska 31-14.
Our quarterback was the frontrunner for the Heisman trophy, we were
in
the driver's seat for the national championship, and th
e people of
Oklahoma think you are sitting in my chair."
An accountant dies and
goes to
Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual
questionnaire.
"What sort of accountant are you?" says St
Peter
"Public Practitioner," is the reply.
"Name?"
He gives his
name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
"Oh, yes.
We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted
span,"
says St Peter.
"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too
young to go. I'm
only forty-eight"
"No, that's impossible.
"
"Why do you say that?"
"Well we've been looking at your
time sheets and the hours you've
charged your clients. By our
reckoning you're at least ninety
three."
In Heaven:
The cooks are
French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers
are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are
English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are
French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
A Director arrives below and is met by
Satan
who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie
studio
with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors,
etc. Director
thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if
hell is this
good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie
studio. The Director
is confused. "Then what's the difference," he
asks.
Satan smiles. "Well, in heaven they actually *make*
movies."
Morty the producer dies and goes to
purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it
gonna
be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid
says
"Take a look at the monitor over here."
Morty goes to
the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are
quietly
floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns
to Sid
and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's
Hell
like?"
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does
and sees scenes
of young people having sex and dancing and smoking
and drinking and
laughing and singing and generally having a great
time.
"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid
directs
him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down
arrow. Morty
does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.
When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look
s around
from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees.
Everywhere are
people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning
and suffering.
There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing
their skin. Its
horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button
and goes right back to
Sid."
"What is this!? Hell is nothing
like you showed me on the monitor! It
was awful down there!"
Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"
"Yes," says Morty.
"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."
A doctor, an engineer, and a
fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd
healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was
a sinner and was sent
to Hell.
The engineer told how he'd built homes for the
homeless, etc.; but he
messed up the environment, so he was sent to
Hell.
The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as
he
mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru
Hell,
Welcome to Heaven."
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to
heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
A cattleman from West
Texas died &
went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he
noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to
the gate
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like
Texas."
"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter
and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you
?"
Jay:
Does the Bible say that if
you smoke you can't get to
heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke
the quicker you'll get there.
Why did the angel lose her job?
She had harp failure.
How do angels greet each other?
They say, Halo.
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new
arrival.
"How did you get here?" he asked.
And the new angel
replied, "Flu..."
A famous professor of surgery
died
and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the
gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the
professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of
Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community
Hospital,
and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee
did not se it
so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said
the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may
enter.' 'Thank
you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor
ansvered. 'Im am not Saint
Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having
his lunchbreak. I am Saint
Lucas.'
St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about
baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on
neutral grounds between a
select team from the heavenly host and
his own hand-picked boys. "Very
well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I hope, that
we've got all the good players and
the best coaches." "I know, and
that's all right," Satan answered
unperturbed. "We've got all the
umpires."
What do you call the queue of Software
Engineers standing outside Heaven ?
The Y2K deadline !
