What kind of doctor fixes broken
websites?
A URLologist.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers
does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five
hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
light
bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of
changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed
differently or to caution about the
dangers of changing light
bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light
bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to
write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to
correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that
this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email
exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to
alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bul
bs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying
that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to
this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs
is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are
faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected
URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the
URLs that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant
to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
them including all
headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me
Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the
"Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that
posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new
alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what
alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave
it here.
53 votes for
alt.lite.bulb.
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet
address?
Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
Can you show me how to
use the
Internet?
I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in
circles.
Do you want some help using the Internet,
son?
No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
Does your mum like shopping on the
Internet?
No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.
How do you
find white shirts on the
Internet?
Use a starch engine.
How does the vicar explore the
Internet?
With the church mouse.
I hear you've been tracing your ancestors on
the internet...
Yes - and it's a mammoth task!
I hope you're not one of those
pupils
who spends all day on the Net and doesn't get any exercise.
Oh, no,
miss, I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise
either.
I never thought that the Internet was very
useful, but now I've changed my mind.
Let's hope your new one
works better then the one you had before.
I
see you've got your bill for using the
Internet
Yes, and my dad's really going to get the hump!
I use the internet
to tell me what the
weather's like.
How do you do that?
I carry my laptop outside and
if it gets wet, I know it's
raining!
Since you've discovered the Internet, you
don't pay any attention to
me!
Who said that?
So what exactly can I learn on the
Internet?
Anything you like - it can even teach you to talk like an
Indian.
How?
See? It's working already.
Teacher: Don't forget to check the Internet
if you have trouble with your homework questions.
Pupil: It's
not the questions I have trouble with, it's the
answers.
Teacher: What are the four
elements?
Pupil: Fire, Earth, Water and the Internet.
Teacher: What do you mean the
Internet?
Pupil: Well, Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net, I'm
in my
element.
What do you call someone who spends 24 hours
a day on the Internet?
Anything you like, they're not listening to
you anyway.
Where does
the Internet football team
play?
Webley.
Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the
Internet?
Because they can't stop saving their work.
Why do you think your report should be on the
net?
Because my marks are all 'E's.
You're a big Internet fan aren't
you?
Yes - it's becoming a habit!
You're a big internet fan, arn't
you?
Yes, I really get a buzz out of it!
Teacher: Why are you pushing
garlic into
the computer's disk drive?
Pupil: To keep vampires off the
Internet
Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet
Pupil:
See? It works, doesn't it?
Where's Spiderman's home page?
On the
world wide web.
Why did the mummy stop using the
Internet?
He was getting far too wrapped up in it.
Why do beavers spend a
fortune on the
Internet?
They never want to log off.
Why was the skeleton using the
Internet?
To bone up on his schoolwork.
What's the best city to search the
World
Wide Web in?
Rome.
Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the
Internet?
Click Whittington
Who is the oldest singer on the
Internet?
Click Jagger.
Who writes hit musicals on the
Internet?
Andrew Lloyd Webber.
What did you say to the policeman who spent
eight hours on the Internet?
Oh give it arrest.
What do you get if you cross a giant ship
with the
Internet?
The Site-anic.
What do you get if you cross the Internet
with a
currant bread?
Spotted click
What do you put in a www.ashing
machine?
Net curtains!
What grows on the World Wide Web and
stings?
Internettles.
What did the parrot say when he was using the
Internet?
P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What did the sausage say when it
couldn't log on to the Internet?
If at first you don't succeed Fry, Fry
again
Did you know pillows
have their own
website?
Really? Well you could knock me down with a feather!
Did you like www.flower.com?
Not at
first....but it grew on me!
How did the flea learn to use the
internet?
He had to start from scratch.
Have you got the address of the butter
website?
Yes, but don't spread it around.
I can't find a shark website....
That's
cos you're dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dumb......
If doors
have a website shouldn't
windows have one too?
We'd better, or it will be curtains for us.
Our website should have more colour, more
games, more sound!
Look, what more do you want? Blood?
What did the hypnotist say when
he got
his own website....
Hyp, Hyp Hooray.
What did the maths homework website say to
the
geometry website?
Boy do we have problems.
What did you think of our website?
A
little bit tacky.
What do builders use to make
websites?
Com.crete.
Where is Pinocchio's website?
On the
splinternet.
Who has the best website in the
jungle?
The Onlion King.
Who runs the 100 acre wood
website?
www.innie the pooh.
Who started the campfire website?
Some
bright spark.
Why do you keep going back to that fishing
website?
I can't help it, I'm hooked.
You need to log on to the window repair
website!
I did - but it gave me a pane!
I spent the whole evening
knotsurfing!
Don't you mean netsurfing?
No, everyone was complaining because I tied
the computer up for
ages!
How do nuns surf the web? On the
Hymnternet.
How are you getting on
with the
Internet?
Surf far, so good.
My dog likes to sit down each evening and
surf the
Net.
What an intelligent animal!
Not really, it took
the cat three weeks to teach him.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting
round playing on the Internet, you'll be fat and useless when you
grow
up.
Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you
were a
kid!
What happened when the schoool bully went
netsurfing?
The goalkeeper kicked him out of the football ground.
What surfs the
Internet and goes, 'Choo,
Choo'?
Thomas the Search Engine.
What's hairy, dangerous and only surfs the
Net when there's a full moon?
The www.erewolf.
Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road
surfing
the Net?
The www.izard of Oz.
Who surfs the Net by pecking at the
keyboard?
www.oody www.oodpecker.
Why are elephants no good at Net
surfing?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Does your dog know how how to
surf the
internet?
No - but he's got a ruff idea.
Why are frogs no good at
websurfing?
Computers have them toad-ily confused.
Why couldn't the baby camel
surf the
Internet?
Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got
the hump.
Why was Cinderella able to surf the
web?
Because he footman turned into a mouse.
Do you enjoy websurfing?
No way! my mum
warned me to stay away from the net!
Do you like
surfing the net?
Oh yes,
I've really taken a shine to it. (Moon to Sun)
How do heavy
metal bands surf the
web?
On the Din-ternet.
Have you seen www.tomatosauce.com?
No,
I'll ketchup with it later.
Have you seen www.topsecret.com?
If I
have, I'm not going to tell you.
Have you seen
www.usedmatch.com?
Yes,
but I didn't find it striking.
Have you seen www.veryangry.com?
No, AND
STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!
Have you seen www.yawn.com?
Yes, but I'm
a bit tired of it.
Have you heard that there's a new
mountain website?
Really? I must take a peak at it!
Have you seen www.hook.com?
Yes, it's
already caught my eye.
Have you seen www.indecisive.com?
Yes and
no.
Have you seen www.lockeddoor.com?
Yes, but
I found it very difficult to get into.
Have you seen
www.needleinahaystack.com?
Yes, but it took ages to find.
Have you seen www.pitchdark.com?
Yes, but
I really couldn't see what all the fuss is about.
Have you seen www.quasimodo.com?
I'm not
sure, but certainly rings a bell.
Have you seen
www.quicksand.com?
Yes,
but it hasn't sunk in yet.
Have you seen
www.shelterfromtherain.com?
Yes, but it doesn't really stand out.
Have you seen
www.smallearthquake.com?
Yes, its's no great shakes!
Have you seen www.square.com?
No, I
haven't got around to it.
Have you seen www.amnesia.com?
Sorry, I
just can't remember.
Have you seen www.apathy.com?
No, and
quite honestly I can't be bothered.
Have you seen
www.blottingpaper.com?
Yes, I found it very absorbing.
Have you seen www.boomerang .com?
Yes, I
return to it again and again.
Have you seen
www.brokenglass.com?
Yes, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Have you seen www.busfull.com?
No, I'm
afraid that one passed me by.
Have you seen www.dustbin.com?
Yes, but
it's a load of rubbish.
Have you seen www.stickytape.com?
Yes, I
can't tear myself away.
Have you seen www.tame.com?
Yes, but I'm
not wild about it.
What do you call an alien surfing
the
Internet?
e-t.
What sits in the middle of the world wide web
?
A very, very big spider !
PE Teacher: Why did you kick that ball
straight at the school computer?
Pupil: You told me to put it in the
Net.
What do you get if you type
www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer?
A sore finger.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like I'm part of the
Internet!
Well, you do look a site
Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet
on an empty stomach?
No, you should do it on a computer.
Do you like web jokes?
Yes - they're
e-larious!
How do you fix a broken website?
With
stick e-tape.
How do you make rude noises on the
Internet?
With a whoop e-cushion.
What did Darth Vader say to the
Internet?
May the force e-with you.
What do you call a fire at the Internet
cafe?
An e-mergency.
What do you call a ghost on the
Internet?
e-erie.
What do you call an Internet mystery?
An
e-nigma.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with
the
Internet?
I don't know, but it's e-nourmous.
What goes round the middle of
the
Internet?
The e-quator.
What has long ears, hops and likes
websurfing?
The e-aster bunny.
Which of the seven dwarfs use the
Internet?
Happ-e, Sleep-e, Grump-e, Dope-e and Sneez-e.
Who is the most popular
wizard on the
Internet?
Har e-potter.
Who looks after the EuroDisney
website?
Mick e-mouse.
Who writes all his plays on the
Internet?
Will-e. Shakespeare.
Who's the chief of the
internet?
E-ronimo!
What do internet football fans sing?
E we
go E we go, E we go!
