The cross eyed judge looked at the three
defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you
plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you"
the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant
replied.
The defendant
stood up in the dock and said
to the judge, "I dont recognize this
court!"
"Why?" asked the
Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was
here."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced
the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by
both of you, with a
bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You,
attorney Leon, gave me
$15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me
$10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it
to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and
we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits."
A red-faced judge convened court
after a long
lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving who
claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your
honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you
understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you
understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said
the witness. "My side will win."
The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do
you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?"
"I do."
"Now what do you say to
defend yourself?"
"Your Honor, under those limitations...
nothing."
The judge said to
his dentist: "Pull my
tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the
tooth."
Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a
thousand
dollars?"
Defendant: "Yes, it's true."
Judge:
"Then, why don't you just pay him back?"
Defendant: "Because it
wouldn't be true anymore."
People who love
sausage and respect the law
should never watch either being made.
A
young woman was appearing in court to face
a public disorder charge. The
charges were read out, and she was
asked how she pleaded. "Not
guilty," the woman answered
emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is
it
true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an
act of
gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a
union jack - on
the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph
through the center
of London, in a blizzard?"
The woman
composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council
and calmly
said: "What was the date again?"
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why,
yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a
young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot
when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and
asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She
again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the
entire state. Yes,
I know him."
At this point, the judge
rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you
asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
contempt!"
Prosecutor: Did you kill the
victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for
perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better
than the
penalty for murder.
Judge: All your responses to the questions must
be
oral. Do you understand?
A: Yes
Judge: What school did you
attend in the fall of 1995?
A: Oral.
Judge: Are you married?
A. No, I'm
divorced.
Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.
A lot of things I didn't know about.
Judge: Your first marriage
was terminated by
death?
A: Yes, by death.
Judge: And by whose death was it
terminated?
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to
the basement, is that correct?
A: Yes.
Judge: And these same
stairs, did the also go up?
Judge: What is your
relationship with the
plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Judge: Was she your daughter on
February 13, 1979?
Judge: Doctor, how
many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Jury: Twelve men and women
trying to decide
which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your
favor.
How many judges does it take to
change a
light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves
around him.
Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do
it.
Mr. Schneider stood up in court.
"As God is
my judge, I do not owe my
ex-wife any money."
Glaring down at
him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You
do."
Judge to witness: "And where was the location of
the
accident?"
Witness: "Approximately milepost
499."
Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway
between milepost 498 and milepost
500."
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve
as a juror in
this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away
from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at
work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
A lawyer passed on and
found himself in
Heaven,
but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained
to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to appeal his
assignment. The
lawyer immediately advised that he intended
to
appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting
at least three years
before his appeal could be
heard. The lawyer protested that a
three-year wait
was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf
ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who
told him that he
would be able to arrange an appeal
to be heard in a few days, if the
lawyer was willing
to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: "Why
can
appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"
The devil answered: "We
have all of the judges."
At night court, a man was brought in and set
before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"
Who is the most powerful ghoul?
Judge
Dread.
When is an English teacher like a judge?
When she hands out long sentences.
A red-faced judge convened court
after a
long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving
who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are,
your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too
much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the
other
car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a
lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble.
I'm a judge."
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to
the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to
have a jury of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What
are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you your
equals."
"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a
bunch of thieves."
What did the judge say when a skunk entered the
courtroom?
Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!
How is a judge like an English
teacher?
They both hand out long sentences.
