A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The side that pays
your fee," replied the doctor.
A defendant was
on trial for murder. There
was very strong evidence indicating guilt,
but no corpse had been
found. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that
his client would probably be convicted, decided to
try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the
person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all
looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you
that
there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone
was killed
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few
minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw
all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman
replied. "We all looked - but your
client didn't!"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a
lawsuit filed
by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull
was missing from
the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
peace
in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
attorney
for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get
him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check,
the
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his
success,
telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old
man, but I
put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the
case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the t
rain went through your ranch that morning. I
didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a
little worried about
winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this
morning."
If two lawyers were drowning,
and you could
only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
The bartender asks him
"What'll you have?".
The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the
drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What
are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for
this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then
says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original
offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there
was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed,
but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't
ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day, same guy
walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in
here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To
which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend
asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an
honest man, and a lawyer." The
inscriber insisted that
such an
inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to
think
that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an
alternative: He
would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both
honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone
walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's
Strange!"
A local United Way office realized that it had
never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at
least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over
for a moment and
replied, "First, did your research also show that
my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that
are several times her
annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep
mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began
to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "-or that my
sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in
indignation,
"leaving
her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I
had no idea..." On a roll, the
lawyer cut him off once again: "-so
if I don't give any money to
them,
why should I give any to
you?"
Why don't lawyers play
hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
What's the difference between a lawyer
and
a
trampoline?
You should take your workboots off
before
you jump on a trampoline.
What is the proper weight for a
lawyer?
About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!
It seems that a devout, good couple was about
to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When
they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it
and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred
years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a
simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they
determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy
forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St.
Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to
marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"
What is black and brown and looks
good on a
lawyer? A Doberman.
A guy walks into a post office one day
to
see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts
all
over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over
them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man
and
asks him what he is doing. The
man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess
who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer,"
the man replies.
An old man was critically
ill. Feeling that
death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer.
How much is
it or the express degree you told me
about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why
do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the
course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His
lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be
paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was
clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned
over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you
wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a
faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less
lawyer . . ."
A man walks into a friend and sees that his
friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass,
branches,
dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your
car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a
lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to
chase him all through the park."
A tough case was being argued in court. The
defense attorney,
feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a
bottle of
hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be
tied.
"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're
dead!"
"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the
other lawyer's name!"
"You seem to have more than the average
share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer
at a witness on the stand. "If I
wasn't under oath, I'd return
the compliment," replied the
witness.
A person is in the hospital and asked his
doctor how much time does
he
have left to live. The doctor did not
want to lie so he told him that
he
wouldn't make it through the
night. So the person calls for his lawyer
and
asks him to come
and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the
lawyer asks
him why did he want him next to him. The dying person
replied,
"When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same
way."
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the
headlights
broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of
the
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note
stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your
Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at
me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other
particulars. But I'm
not."
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An
oxymoron.
The first lawyer questioning a panel of
prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he
came to
his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they
stiffened and hesitated.
Before the pause became too long,
the judge announced, "I do."
A
woman was being questioned in a court
trial involving slander. "Please
repeat the slanderous statements you
heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the
lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person
to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just
whisper them to the judge."
A
persistent job-seeker once appeared
before President Lincoln and demanded
an appointment to a judgeship. He
was informed that there were no
vacancies. The next day, while
walking along the river, he saw a drowned man
being pulled out, and
recognized him as a federal judge.
He ran back to the White House
and demanded the position. "Sorry,"
said the President, "but the
lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you
here by a good five
minutes."
"Excuse me," a young fellow said to
an
older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town
has
any criminal lawyers."
"Well," replied the librarian, "I have
lived here all my life and
all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we
do, but no one has been able
to prove it yet."
A convicted con man was recently found to be
impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked,
"I
should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so
punctual and
polite."
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different
deck chair on the Titantic.
Did you hear that the Post Office had to
recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were
confused about which side to spit on.
First person: Do you know how to
save five
lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person:
Good!
Have you seen the current remake of the movie
"Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge
against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom
do you
root for?
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut
the rope.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a
combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
How many lawyers does it take
to stop a
moving bus?
Never enough.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both
drowning, and
you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or
read the
paper?
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how
many orchards does it
take for a lawyer?
If I had but one life to give for my country,
it
would be a lawyer's.
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head
to foot around the Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it,
that's not a bad idea.
In the construction
field, it is often
noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However,
a couple of years
ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were
always his
favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of
having lawyers as
clients he replied, "I only build coffins
now."
What's the
difference between a lawyer and
an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to
walk
onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they
might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Why is
it that if you give a child an
encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the
third thing they look
up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is
"snake."
And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic
waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had
first choice.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger,
a
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What
should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other
lawyers look interested.
How many lawyers does it take to
change a
lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Lawyer: "Let me
give you my honest
opinion."
Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted,
will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After
hearing your amazing argument in court this morning,
I'm beginning
to think I didn't."
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie
still.
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing
golf?
Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying
involved.
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with
his family. Suddenly,
he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and
fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he
came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers
everywhere."
Why
didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the
lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that
small!
What kind of clothes do lawyers
wear?
Lawsuits.
Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?
In
a brief case.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man,
and a
lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered
everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out
the window, saying,
"Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I
come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of
the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I
come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the
window, saying...
At a
convention of biological scientists
one researcher remarks to another:
"Did you know that in our lab we
have switched from mice to lawyers
for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied,
"Why did you switch?"
"Well, for four
very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far
more plentiful,
second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, third
there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth
sometimes it
very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A
judge in a small city was hearing a
drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a
reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was
nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury
would take time, so the judge
called a recess and went out in the hall
looking to impanel anyone
available for jury duty. He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby
and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers
thought this would
be a novel experience and so followed the judge back
to the
courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear
that the
defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the
judge
started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After
nearly three
hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the
jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff
returned, the judge said, "Well have the
y got a verdict yet?" The bailiff
shook his head and said,
"Verdict? Hell, they're still doing
nominating speeches for the
foreman's position!"
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to
her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear
woman," lawyer replied,
"Ever since the Phoenicians invented money
there has been only one
answer to that easy question."
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why
don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have
broken
noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
