A guy gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?'
he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the
woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling.
his
four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes
on!'
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe
floor.
'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a
heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring
the kids!'
A
married couple was in a terrible
accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.
The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body,
so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However,
the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have
to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested
that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very
delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with
her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d
id for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My
darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Four
married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued:
First
Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint
every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's
nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for
the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife that
I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They
continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about
what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's
the
deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that the
foundation for the new house is being poured
next Tuesday."
It's
not true that married men live
longer than single men. It only seems
longer.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was
Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it
is damned near impossible.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he's finished.
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a
divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it.
Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure
now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does
the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking
puzzled. "Oi'm always first
out of bed."
Still hopeful, the
solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are
what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not
even a window box, let alone
grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor,"
the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,
"you need a reason
that the court can consider.
"What is the reason for you seeking
this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure
it's because the man can't hold an intelligent
conversation."
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a
successful New York
contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten
Island Ferry when a car got
loose and sent him into the river where
he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in
deepest black, was
standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving
condolences and
enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of
the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble,"
offered the friend. "Did Mike
leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he
did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
"And how's yer wife, Pat?"
"Sure,
she do be awful sick."
"Is ut dangerous she is?"
"No,
she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!"
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple,
went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They
overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy
realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting
to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her
husband and
whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that
someone can
hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody
whistled to warn
me."
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we
were first married,
you took the small piece of steak and gave me
the larger. You don't
love me any more...."
"Nonsense,
darling," replied the husband, "you cook better
now."
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't
get along. One day she
said to him, "If it wasn't for my money,
that new television wouldn't
be here. If it wasn't for my money,
that grand piano wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, this
house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for
your money, I wouldn't be
here."
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one
day about Mr. Riley and his
constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I
have an idea about how to stop
him from spending so much time at the
pub. Every night he comes home
through the cemetery. One night you
should get disguised and spook him
when he comes staggering
through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she
heard her
husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said,
"Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With
that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm
married
to your sister."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not
without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest
regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and
cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie
them together, ye'll soon change yer
mind."
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom
and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom
replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this
is the
happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then
says, "Well then, why is the boy
wearing black?"
At a friend's wedding, everything went
smoothly
until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to
come down the
aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling
at the guests. When asked
afterward why he behaved so badly, he
explained, "I was just trying to be a
good ring bear."
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided
to his
wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated
on you
throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told
you I was
working late, I was with other women. And not just one
woman either, but
I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife
looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you
the
poison?"
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the
mourner at
the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured
down at the
dog and said, "My Doberman here killed
her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But...
Hmmmm...
Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The
bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and
answered, "Get in line."
Once there was a millionaire, who collected
live
alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The
millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day
he decides
to throw a huge party, and during the party he
announces, "My dear
guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I
will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full
of alligators and emerge alive!"
As
soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large
splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and
screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as
though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the
other side
with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The
millionaire was
impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it
could be done! Well I must keep
my end of the bargain. Do you want my
daughter or the one million
dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor
do I want your
daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that
water!"
A man and woman where on their honeymoon
after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide
to
take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of
Europe. As
the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
mis-steps and
jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the
man dismounts,
walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states,
"That's one." The man remounts his horse and
they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's
horse stumbles when stepping
over a fallen tree. The man dismounts,
stares the horse in the eyes,
and boldly states, "That's two!" He
returns to his saddle and they
move on.
As the afternoon sun
began to set, the woman's horse once again lost
its footing on a
mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's
horse, and
helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front
o
f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's
three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse
dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to
her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a
thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
The
newlywed wife said to her husband
when he returned from work, "I have
great news for you. Pretty soon,
we're going to be three in this house
instead of two."
Her
husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his
eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,
"I'm
glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother
moves in
with us."
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young
couple that
just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every
morning, when he
leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every
evening when he
comes homes, he brings her a dozen
roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly
know the girl."
young couple
were on their honeymoon. The
husband was sitting in the bathroom on the
edge of the bathtub
saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that
I've got really
smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've
managed to keep
it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to
find out
sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell
her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how
do I
tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very
lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's
lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell
him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to
tell his wife and so he
walks into the bedroom. He walks over to
the bed, climbs over to his
wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves
his face very close to hers and
says, "Darling, I've a c
onfession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To
which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
A
police officer in a small town stopped
a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street.
"But,
officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the
officer. "I'm going to let you cool
your heels in jail until the
chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And
I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later
the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a
good mood
when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in
the cell. "I'm the
groom."
After shopping for most of the day, a couple
returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police
station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to
the
parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of
the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two
tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking
your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your
ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the
inconvenience. Here
are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks,
the
country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity
restored, the couple attend the concert and
return home late. They
find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods
have been taken
from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And,
there is
a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I
have
to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
A
dietician was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is
enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can
anyone here tell me
what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the
first row,
please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said,
"Wedding cake."
A man really
loved a woman, but he was
just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in
his years and
neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they
dated about once a
week for the past six years, but he was so timid he
just never got
around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one
day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls
her
on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you
marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
A psychiatrist visited a
California
mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What
was
the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well,
it all started when I got married and I guess I should never
have
done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my
stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my
lovely stepdaughter, then
married her. And so my stepdaughter was now
my stepmother. Soon, my
wife had a son who was, of course, my
daddy's brother-in-law since he is
the half-brother of my stepdaughter,
who is now, of course, my daddy's
wife.
So, as I told you,
when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at
once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he
also
became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since
she
is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my
r
stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's
grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my
step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby,
but
I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got
put in
this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look
on his face, the psychiatrist
replied: "Move over!"
In olden times, it is reported that
sacrifices
were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been
held there, and times haven't changed
at all!
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave
when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear
clothes today," complained Jack as he
stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the
lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
A recent survey done
by marriage experts
shows that the most common form of marriage
proposal these days
consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
Old Farmer
Johnson was dying. The family
was standing around his bed. With a low
voice he sad to his wife:
"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer
Jones."
Wife: "No,
I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you
to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a
horse deal!"
The following
conversation took place one
morning between a wife and her husband. They
were discussing
government cost cuts that they recently heard about in
the
paper.
"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like
our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military
forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged
destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure
you'll miss your mother being gone."
There was once a wife so jealous
that
when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs
on
his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on
me
with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any
perfume, she yelled again by
saying, "She's not only bald, but
she's too cheap to buy any
perfume!"
A young husband with an inferiority complex
insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The
marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish
to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
A person
receives a telegram informing
him about his mother-in-law's death. It
also enquires whether she
should be buried or burnt.
He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn
the body and bury the
ashes."
A man was traveling down a country road when
he saw a large group of
people outside a house. He stopped and
asked a person why the large
crowd was there.
A farmer replied,
"Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she
died."
"Well,"
replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope,"
said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his
mule."
It's not what you say, but the way you say
it.
On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still
when I
look into your eyes."
The girl was very
flattered.
What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would
stop a
clock."
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your
handbag to the
office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no
matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem
disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for
you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What
other problem
can there be greater than this one?"
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was
expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her
friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be
musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old
granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,
get
a TV!"
A young couple drove several miles down a
country road,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led
to an argument, and neither wanted to
concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically
asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife
replied. "I married into the family."
Some people
ask the secret of Anthony's
long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a
week: a little
candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk
home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
A fellow was very much in
love with a
beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was
her
birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for
each
year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and
ordered twenty-one roses
with instructions that they be delivered
first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the
order, he decided that since the young
man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the
bouquet.
The fellow
never did find out what made the young girl so angry with
him.
They were married, but since the argument
they had a few days
earlier, they hadn't been talking to each
other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One
evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow
morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was
9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around
he found a note on
his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6
o'clock!"
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing
their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at
me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn
off the light!
A boy is about to go on his first
date,
and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for
advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that
always
work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy
picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream
sodas
in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the
boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and
chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like
spinach?" She says "No," and the
silence returns.
After a few more
uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's
suggestion
and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you
have a
brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once
again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's
advice and
asks the girl the following question: "If you had a br
other, would he
like spinach?"
Son: How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true?
Dad, I heard that in
ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until
he
marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Old Man On A Bench
An old man of ninety
was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman
noticed this and
asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just
got married to a twenty-five
year old woman. Every morning she makes
me a wonderful breakfast, and we
have then have fun together
laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she
makes me a wonderful lunch
and then we make fun together laughing and
relaxing again. At dinner
time she makes me a wonderful supper and then
we relax more and
enjoy ourselves."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You
shouldn't be
crying! You should be the happiest man in the
world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't
remember
where I live!"
The man approached the very beautiful woman
in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife
here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman
my wife appears out of
nowhere."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after
folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I notice a
remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she
replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured
this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
A
biologist phones his wife from his
office and says, "Honey, something has
just come up, I realize its not
my field season, but I have to visit my
field site for a week. So,
would you pack my clothes, my field
equipment and my blue silk
pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."
A week later he
returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife
asked.
"Oh, it
was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he
exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I
didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field
equipment!"
A mother and her child were at a wedding.
A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl
wear
white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white
because she's happy and this
is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy
wearing black?"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when his
attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The
man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have
to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I
don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment
to collect himself, then replied, "My
wife's first husband."
A woman accompanied her husband to the
doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife
into his office alone. He
said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions
carefully, your husband will surely
die.
"Each morning, fix
him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him
a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for
him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him;
it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.
Most importantly,
make love to him regularly.
"If you can do
this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked
his wife, "What did the doctor
say?"
"He said you're going
to die," she replied.
Marriage is a three
ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
During the wedding
rehearsal, the groom
approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look,
I'll give you
$100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me
and the
part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if
you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman
the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and
the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where
the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for
the groom's vows,
the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says,
"Will you promise
to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish,
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and
swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even
look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
Th
e groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a
deal."
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered
back, "She made me
a much better offer."
Never before had Sue looked in the box that
her
husband kept under their bed.
The box had been there for the past 20
years of their marriage but she
had never invaded his privacy. One
day, while cleaning, she decided to
take a look in the box. She
didn't figure it was anything he was
hiding since she could have
looked at it any other time but hadn't.
In the box she found 3
eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very
strange so she went to
Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box
under our bed?"
He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg
in
the box." Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful
but
she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married
for over
20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
"But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked.
"Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it."
"Honey," said this
husband to his wife,
"I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The
house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all
the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because
the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking
care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, she
stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer.
As she
sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support
me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost
the house, you gave me support. When
my health started failing, you
were still by my side.
"You
know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I
think you bring me bad luck."
A young couple got married and
left on
their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called
her
mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum,"
she
replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly
she
burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started
using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean,
all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take
me
home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm
down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!"
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able
to do
all the things around the house that he used to do. The
doctor started
a long and thorough examination, but finally found
nothing wrong with
the man.
When the examination was complete, he
said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is
wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,
"you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the
medical term so I can tell my
wife".
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town, and on
this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter
paid them a visit. He
inquired as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage.
"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back
to our honeymoon.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down
to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule."
"We hadn't gone
too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife
quietly said
'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule
stumbled
again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We
hadn't
gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife
promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and
shot the mule dead."
"I started to protest over her
treatment of the mule when she looked
at me and quietly said, 'Thats once.'"
One night, Peter was home
watching TV
when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died,
would you
remarry?"
Peter thought for a second then said "Yeah I guess I
would".
Then his the wife asked, "well would you have her as your
golfing
partner?"
Peter replied, "yep I probably would do that
too".
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!", she
cried.
Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, shes left handed."
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A.
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the
time they don't work.
Q. What should you do if you see your
ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
What's the best way to get a man to remember
your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
What is the one thing that all men at
singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Personally I think one of the greatest things
about
marriage is that
as both husband and Father, I can say
anything I want to around the
house.
Of course, no one pays the
least bit of attention.
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife
were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for
fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's
not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her
and asked. "Is he
your husband?" "Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels
for
her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence.
Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left,
the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long
to answer, to which the
husband replied, "I was trying to figure
out how to get 100
camels back home."
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a
gallant
driver saw
a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat
tire, and
couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for
her,
and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There,
little
lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake
up my
husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."
A little girl
and a little boy were at
day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy,
wanna play
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to
do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your
thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what
that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be
the
husband."
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his
wife, called the
insurance
company ...
Susan: We had that
barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there
just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like
that.
We will
ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new
one
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband.
A
man was walking in the street when he
heard a voice: "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a
brick will fall down on your head
and
kill you."
The man stopped
and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the
road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more
step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he
was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the
corner,
barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are
you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man
asked..."And where were you when I got married?"
A man called
the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury
my
wife."
"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.
"I
got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," said the undertaker.
"Congratulations."
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing
his wife when
he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why
he shot
her instead of her lover, he replied,
"Ah, m'sieur, is it
not better to shoot a woman once than a
different man every
week?"
Husband: What do you love most, my
natural beauty or my body?
Wife: Your sense of humor.
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his
last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of
luck. He stumbles out of the
casino
and finds a pay phone. He
calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your
bags.
I just won over a
million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What
should I pack for...Europe, the
Carribean?"
He says, "I don't
care, just be gone when I get home."
An explorer
goes into an undiscovered
tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp.
So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out
came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person
you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife.
Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever
you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I
wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two
billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and
tennis
courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is
your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to
the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to
beat me half to
death."
A little kid comes running into the
backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you
know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It
was on this day two years
ago that I lost my dear wife and
children.
I'll never forget that game of cards...
A guy runs out of a Las
Vegas hotel and
says to a stranger, "Can you
loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a
terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred
dollars, what are you
using to gamble with?"
The guy replies,
"Oh, I've got gambling money."
A husband and wife
went to the
fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on
the Ferris wheel, but the husband
wasn't comfortable with that. So the
wife went on the ride by
herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown
out
and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you
hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times
around and you
didn't
wave once!"
A man has six children and is very proud of
his
achievement. He is so
proud of himself that he starts calling
his wife "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.
One
night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home,
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His
wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts
back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A journalist had done a
story on gender
roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted then
that women customarily walked
about 10 feet behind their
husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked
several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of
the women for an explanation. "This is
marvelous," said the
journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve
this reversal of
roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
After the third day of a really torrid
honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked
into
the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came
over to
get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and
said, "You
know what I really feel like honey ?" "Well sure," she
blushed, "But
we gotta eat sometime !"
Lee was known among his friends for the
punctuality with which he sent
his wife her alimony payment each
month. When he was asked the reason
for his haste he shivered and
replied: "I'm afraid that if I should
ever fall behind in the payments to
that witch, she might well try to
repossess me."
A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a
party, and
after a few drinks,
he suggested that they might have
another try at marriage. His ex-wife
sneered in reply, "Over my dead
body !"
He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you haven't
changed one
little bit."
Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his
wife at a
party and
sneered, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you."
The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I
know, but I was in
love and didn't really notice."
Returning from her vacation, the
young
secretary was telling anyone
who would listen about what a fun time
she had. She then asked for two
weeks leave in which to get
married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you
get
married then ?"
"What and ruin my vacation ?" she
whined.
A few moments after the daughter announced
her engagement, her Father
asked, "Does this fellow have any money
?"
The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are
all
alike."
sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he
asked me about
you."
A student engineer in the office got engaged
some time ago. At
her
wedding, I was reminding her of the first
day she wore her ring. None
of the other women in the office even
noticed.
Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy
!!! It's so
warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."
A lady with a
large flowery hat was
stopped at the church door by the
usher. "Are you a friend of the bride
?" he asked.
"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's
mother."
I know
a husband and wife who have
separate bedrooms, drive different
cars, take separate vacations, work
different shifts, have their own
computers, and even have their own
ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and
Home Pages. They say they're doing
everything they can to keep their
marriage together.
There were three guys in a bar. Two are
talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives. The
third remains
silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the
third and sez
"Well... What about you, what sort of control do you
have over your
wife ?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my
wife came to me on
her hands and knees." he bragged and took
another sip of beer.
His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?"
they asked, almost
in
unison.
"Well, then she said, 'Get
the hell out from under that bed and fight
like a man !' " he
admitted.
We have a young married couple in the
neighborhood who are truly
inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard
County Policemen and a
dog.
But let's get real here guys, I mean who
exactly are we kidding
? A
husband controls his wife in much the
same manner as a barometer
controls the weather.
A recent study showed that the average
husband
only actually speaks to
his wife about thirty-seven minutes
each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long
does it take to
say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
You know the
honeymoon is pretty much
over when you start to go out with the boys on
Wednesday nites, and so
does she.
A henpecked husband was advised by a
psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully
you," he said. "Go
home and show her you're the boss."
The
husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed
the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, "From
now on you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and
when you get it on the table, go upstairs
and lay out my clothes.
Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home
where you belong. Another
thing, you know who is going to tie my
bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the
undertaker."
I've got trouble with the wife again - she
came into the bar
looking for me and I asked for her number.
Not that my wife's the
jealous type or
anything, but one day at work, I had taken this
temp who was filling
in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an
outstanding job
on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife
waiting in the
office for my return. The temp, who was truly a
ravishing beauty said,
"Oh, Mrs. Moore,
I'm so happy to meet
you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart
beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ?
Were you ???"
A jealous husband hires a private detective
to check up
on his wife. The husband tells the
detective, he
wants both a written account and as many videos of her in
any kind of
compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later
the detective calls the man and tells him he has all
the evidence
he needs.
They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them
are sitting
there watching the videos.
The man sees his wife
meeting another man, then the two of them are
walking in the park
laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and
dancing. All together, he
watches a dozen or so different
activities, each with a different man,
each time both she and
the man
are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked
husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't
believe it."
"What can't
you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right
there for
you to see, plus I
have all the times and dates in my
log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't
believe my wife could be that
much fun."
This man was sitting quietly reading his
paper one
morning, peacefully
enjoying himself,
when his wife
sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
head with a
huge
frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that
piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written
on
it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the
horse races?
Marylou was
the name of one of the horses I bet
on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the
house.
Three days later he is
once again sitting in his chair reading and
she repeats the frying pan
swatting.
Man: "What the hell was that
for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
An old man and woman were married for
years even though
they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation,
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A
constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the
man the
most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the
grave to come
back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he
practiced black magic and was responsible
for missing cats and
dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He
was feared and enjoyed the
respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances
and the funeral
had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife
went straight to
the local bar and began to party as if there was no
tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while
her
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are
you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who
practic
ed black magic and stated when he died he would dig
his way up and
out of the grave to come back and haunt you for
the rest of your
life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard
dig.
I had him buried upside down."
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked,
"Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you
gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will
you come home with me so my wife can
see what happens to a man who
doesn't drink or gamble?"
A wife was
berating her husband. He
motioned for her to quiet
down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in
me."
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women,
'dear',
I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
"You and your husband
don't seem to have
an awful lot in
common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on
earth
did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business
of 'opposites attract',"
was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I
was."
A man brings his
wife a glass of water
and two aspirins. She
looks surprised and says, I don't have a
headache!"
He says, "Aha!"
Wife: "Do you think of me when you're away
darling?"
Husband: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."
Two men are having an awfully slow round
of
golf because the two ladies in front of them
managed to get into
every sand trap, lake, and
rough on the course, and they didn't
bother to
wave the men on through, which is proper
golf
etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man
said, "I think
I'll walk up there and ask those
gals to let us play through." He
walked out to
the fairway, got halfway to the ladies,
stopped,
turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't
do it. One of those
women is my wife and the other
is my mistress. Maybe you'd better
go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, go
halfway
there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,
turned
around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small
World!"
A man calls his
family
doctor:
man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a
rabbit.
doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.
man:
Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.
A man comes home and
hears hard breathing
female noises from
inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his
wife on the floor
of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I
am having
a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to
call the
doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy,
daddy,
there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the
closet
door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn
it,
my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare
the
kids"!!!
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for
men who
are married.
Every month the centerfold is the
exact same woman.
After she woke
up, a woman told her
husband, "I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight."
he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave
it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book
entitled
"The meaning of dreams"
A guy is dating three women and can't decide
which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can
manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The
second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one
puts the
whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up
marrying? The most
beautiful one..
An Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he
decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately,
he
missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly
woman
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving
widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a
piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her
family rushed into the room and saw this note on
the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to
whine at you,
what have you usually done wrong?
Made her
chain too long.
The sailor came home from a secret two year
mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was
determined
to track down the father to extract
revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife
replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she
said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did
this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my
own?" she snapped.
Mrs.
Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh
Marie," she said to her maid, "I
have reason to suspect that my
husband is
having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't
believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just
saying that to
make me jealous !!!"
I've never been much on fashion, but got
quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day.
My
secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a
surprise
from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there
it
was, on the back of a kitchen chair.
A man comes home early from work
and
finds his wife and his best
friend in bed. The man throws up his hands
in disbelief and says, "My
God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to',
but YOU ???"
A friend of
mine told me he had signed up
with one of these on-line
dating services. I asked him the other day
if he had had any luck and
he said he'd quit -- seems they'd
matched him up with his wife.
My
wife and I were watching some TV show
the other nite where the wife
hired a private detective to follow
her husband and see if he were in
fact "cheating" on her. I asked my
wife if she would ever do that.
She said, "Well not so much to
find out who the other woman was, but
to see if I could find out what
she saw in ya."
The newlyweds
arrived at the front desk
of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South
Carolina,
looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy
their two week
vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well,
hi
Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty
silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once
inside, the
piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman
?!?!?"
The
groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please !
I'm
going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."
The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for
over a month. He
took her to fancy restaurants and expensive
resorts. Finally, he
proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have
enough money
to provide you with anything your little heart
desires."
"Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down
yet.
And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I
might see my way clear to rent you some."
I overheard a friend
telling his pal, "I
can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the
morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me
to get home."
Attorney to witness: "What was the
first
thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?"
Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: "And why did that upset
you?"
Witness: "Because my name is Susan."
A concerned husband went to a
doctor to
talk about his wife. He says to the
doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife
is deaf because she never hears me
the
first time and always
asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor
replied, "go home and
tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
something to her. If she
doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say
it
again. Keep
doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of
her
deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as
instructed. He
starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen
as she is
chopping
some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for
dinner?" He hears no
response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and
asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet
closer. Still no reply. He
gets fed up and moves right behind her,
about
an inch away, and
asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the
fourth time, vegetable stew!"
A father came
home from a long business
trip to find his son
riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where
did you get the
money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on,"
the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the
boy replied. "Every night you were gone,
Mr. Reynolds from the
grocery store would come over to see
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and
tell me to take a hike!"
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if
he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40
years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me
the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old
man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".
The local courtroom was packed
as
testimony began in the
sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering
her
husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defense
attorney knew he had his work cut out for him
trying to make his
client appear more sympathetic to the
Judge, especially since she had
been so "matter-of-fact"
about the whole thing all during the
trial.
"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that
morning
where you felt pity for your husband ?"
"Well... yeah... I guess..."
she replied.
"And when was that?" pressed the
attorney.
"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."
"I
bet you don't know what day this is",
said the wife to
her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick
thinker:
"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,
he turned
and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell
rang and when the woman opened the
door, she was handed a box
containing a dozen long stemmed
red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped,
two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique
delivered a designer
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband
to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work,
satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very
bad
situation.
His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then
the
chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've
never
had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
After the fall in
Garden of Eden, Adam
was walking with his sons Cain and
Abel. They passed by the ruins of
the Garden of Eden. One of the boys
asked, "What's that?" Adam
replied, "Boys, that's where your
mother ate
us out of house and
home."
A funeral service is being held in a
church for a woman
who has just passed away. At the end of the service,
the
pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally
bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
still alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held
at the same church and at the
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers
are again carrying out
the casket. As they are walking, the husband
cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
"Get this." said the bloke to his mates,
"Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke
into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a
broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was
me
coming home drunk."
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his
money and his best friend, he
got so depressed that his doctor
sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his
troubles and said, "Life isn't worth
living.
I think I'm gonna top
myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran
off and
left
me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked
Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally
submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what
work
do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
A man was complaining to a
friend.
"I
had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a
beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the
friend.
"My wife found out."
"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a
wife like me?"
she said looking lovingly into her husbands
eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."
A man
answers the phone and has the
following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has
been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is
hard.
Well, you know how she is.
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I
remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my
life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
"You were
perfectly right.
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up
from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
His breath stunk of
alcohol and his face was plastered with
lipstick. "I assume," she
barked, "there is a very good reason for you to
come drifting in
at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he
replied, "Breakfast."
One of the bachelors in the
apartment
development sneaked up
behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his
hands, and said,
"I'm
going to kiss you if you can't tell me
who I am in three guesses."
She quickly answered, "George Washington!
Thomas Jefferson!
Abraham Lincoln!"
The young immigrant couple had just left the
courthouse after being sworn
in as American citizens.
"It is
wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens
at
last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you
male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook
dinner!"
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond
ring for
Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted
one of those sporty
4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he
replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find
a fake Jeep?"
A young lady came home and told her Mother
that her
boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down
because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or
Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the
two
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."
Miles Dobson was away from home on business
in another city. When he
called home, his wife told him, "Miles,
they had your name in the
obits
today."
"What! In the
obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad
journalism. I'll
sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously,
"wh...wh...where are
you
calling from?"
A woman got a problem with her closet door -
it was
felling every time a
bus was passing by. So she called a
repair man. The repairman comes and
sees that indeed, the door
falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is
going on, just close the door behind me"
and
he stepps into the
closet. At that time the husband comes from work,
opens the closet
and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing
here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am
waiting for
a
bus!"
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the
woman's home,
when
all of a sudden, they hear the front door
open and close.
"Oh, no, it's my husband!"
The man says, "Where's
your back door?"
"We don't have a back door" says the woman.
The
man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"
Wife: Who
was that on the
phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather
bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
Night. A sleeping couple
is lying in a
bed. Door bell rings. A couple
wakes up.
Woman: "Quick! My husband
is back!"
Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to
think: "Shit!
But I
am the husband!"
The couple was dining out when the wife
noticed a familiar face at the
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do
you see that man downing
bourbon at
the bar?"
The husband
looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued,
"he's
been
drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The
husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's
not
worth so much celebrating!"
Moe: My wife converted me to
religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in
hell.
Married life
is very frustrating. In the
first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and
the
man listens. In the
third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.
NOVICE: Do clever men make good
husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
A couple came upon a wishing
well. The
husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife
decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned
over too much, fell into
the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled and said, "It really works!"
An English professor wrote the words, "woman
without her man is a savage"
on the blackboard and directed his
students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman,
without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her,
man is a savage."
How do you
turn a Fox into a Pit
Bull?
Marry her !
"I was in a very generous mood today," a
woman says to
her friend.
"I gave a poor beggar $25."
"Thats a
lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your
husband
say?"
"He said, 'Thank you'. "
A woman entered the hospital to deliver
her 15th child. "Congratulations,"
said the nurse, "but don't you
think this is enough?" The woman
replied,
"Are you kidding? This
is the only vacation I get each year."
A
child at a Christian school was
studying the early days of Mormonism in
his class. He wrote on his
paper,
"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is
called
polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is
called
monotony"
"Will the father be present during the
birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the
mother-to-be,
"He and my husband don't get along."
A family was having dinner on
Mother's
Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the
husband asked
what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not
buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really
want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed
the kids for 15 years and on Mother's
Day, you don't even tell me
so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15
years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm
their real mother."
On his way out of
church, Frank stopped
at the door to speak to the
minister. "Would it be right," he asked,
"for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In that case," said the young man, "I
wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you
to marry my wife and me
last July."
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me
in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started
doing
the same thing to them at
funerals.
For their 25th wedding
anniversary, a man
decides to take his
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks
touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America.
While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and
says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our
25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for
our
50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the
cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
A wealthy man sat in his attorney's
office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
the lawyer
asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture
worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked
incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's
of you and your mistress."
Sarah was reading a newspaper,
while her
husband was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out
laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here
where a
guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the
stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why
not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
The room was full of
pregnant women and
their partners. The Lamaze class
was in full swing. The instructor
was teaching the women how to breathe
properly, and informing the
men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the
plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking
is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you
to take
the
time to go walking with your partner!"
The room
was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group
raised
his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she
carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The
child was a typical four-year-old
girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed
difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to
pull out his wedding photo album,
thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the
reception,
etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think
so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for
us?"
Two men were changing in the locker room
after a game of tennis. One
notices the other one is putting on pair of
stockings and suspenders.
He says "When did you start wearing them?"
To which the other man
replies "Since my wife found a pair on the
back seat of the car."
A man took his wife to the doctors.
After
a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has
completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.
She's
been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25
years!"
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried
to change me. She
got me to
stop drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how
to invest in the stock market," said the
man.
"Sounds like
you may be bitter because she changed you so
drastically,"
remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she
just isn't good
enough
for me."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting
with some
friends when the
subject of marriage counseling came
up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great
relationship,"
the husband explained. "She was a communications major in
college and
I
majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She
communicates well and I
act
like I'm listening."
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8
men and 4 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my
plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to
change your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not
Guilty I didn't know
there would be women on the jury. Since I
can't even fool my
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women
jurors."
What's
the difference between an Irish
wedding and an Irish
funeral?
One less drunk.
What happened at the cannibal's wedding
party?
They toasted the bride and groom.
Two men were remembering their
wedding
days. "It was dreadful," said Fred. "I got the most terrible
fright."
"What happened?" asked Harry.
"I married her," replied Fred.
Today is my twenty-fifth wedding
anniversary.
Really?
Yes, I've been married twenty-five times!
A woman was in court
charged with wounding her
husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred
times?" asked the judge.
"Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant,
"I didn't know how to
switch off the electric carving knife."
Young
Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just
got my first part in a play. I play
the part of a man who's been
married for 30 years.
Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day
you'll get a speaking
part.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring...
Wedding ring...
Suffering!!!
Why is a bride always out of luck on her
wedding day?
Because she never marries the best man.
Why did the 280-pound girl
marry the
400-pound man?
She wanted a big wedding.
Why was the broom late ?
It over swept
!
She was two thirds married once.
What do
you mean ?
Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom
didn't !
Hey, you just shot my wife.
I'm so sorry,
have a shot at mine !
Where did the burgers go after
their
wedding?
On a bun-eymoon!
Q: How do you know when you're at a
hillbilly
wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the
church.
Q: How is a
marriage like a hot
bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Before we got married,
I caught her in my
arms.
Now I catch her in my pockets.
BARTENDER: I think you've had enough,
sir.
DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy!
BARTENDER: Well, it must be
hard losing a wife....
DRUNK: It was almost impossible!
Both of my marriages have been
disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.marr
Q:
What do you call two spiders who just
got married?
A: Newlywebs.
John: "I'm a man of few words."
Bill:
"I'm married, too."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He
didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she
didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his
father and said, "I've
found a woman just like mother!" His
father replied, "So what do
you want from me, sympathy?"
The wedding was over, and the reception
was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great time with other
members of the wedding party. His wife, Betty was not.
"Don't be
to mad at Dave," a friend told her. "He did a terrific
job. I'd be
glad to have him usher at my wedding."
"Yeah," Betty replied, "I
wish he had been an usher at
mine."
Wife, opening mail, to spouse: "The bank says
that this is our last
notice. Isn't it wonderful that they're not
going to bother us
anymore?'
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian
told his best friend
Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your
life, and have an affair?" his
friend suggested.
"But what
if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, we are almost on the begining of
the 21st centrury, Brian. Go
ahead and tell her about it!"
So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us
closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that
many times - it never
worked."
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the
artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald
bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not
wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I
should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away,
and I want his new wife to go nuts
looking for the jewelry."
My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that
if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd
be
fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.
QUESTION: What is
honeymoon? ANSWER: That
brief span of time between, "I do" and
"You'd better!"
QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six
days?
ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.
QUESTION: Do you know what
is honeymoon?
ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and
debting.
Two ladies were hanging out together and one
was depressed.
"What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied,
"I've been married four times and everyone
of my husbands has passed
away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The
depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire,
the
second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth
was a mortician."
And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for
the show, three to
get ready, and four to go."
Marriage is nature's way of preventing
people from fighting with strangers.
When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he
couldn't sleep.
"She took the bed!"
