A man being mugged by two thugs put up a
tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon
finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said
"Why did
you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied
"I was
afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
A little boy
wanted $100 badly and prayed for
two weeks but nothing happened. Then he
decided to write a letter
to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to the Lord,
USA, they decided to send it
to President Clinton. The President was so
impressed, touched, and
amused that he instructed his secretary to send
the little boy a
$5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little
boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to
write a
thank-you note to the Lord. It said:
Dear
Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual,
those jerks deducted $95.
A couple was having a discussion about what
to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it
weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied,
"My
dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in
Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any
"we" in the first place."
What do you get if you
cross a sorceress with
a millionaire?
A very witch person.
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A
Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages
are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for
you?
Why is money called dough?
Because we all
knead it.
Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey
box.
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her
purse
open?
She'd read there was going to be some change in the
weather.
Fred
collected lots of money from
trick-or-treating and he went to the candy
store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred
thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You
give
the money to charity."
What happened when the cat swallowed a
coin?
There was money in the kitty.
How can a can you double your money?
By
folding it in half.
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe,
when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the
duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm
not breaking it."
"I've
spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay,"
said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."
Dad, would you like to save
some money?
I
certainly would, son.
Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a
bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so
fast.
I hate paying my income tax.
You should be a
good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
I'd like to but
they insist on money
What happened when Dumbo went
to a
mindrreader?
They gave him his money back.
The best way of saving money is to forget who
you borrowed it from.
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that
money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what
I'm afraid of!
Who dropped a wad of notes with
an elastic
band round them?
I did!
Well, here's the elastic band.
A doctor had been attending a rich
old man
for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not
long
to live.
Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to
put his affairs
in order.
"Oh yes, I've done that," said
the old gentleman.
"I've only got to make a will. And do you
know what I'm going to do
with all my money? I'm going to leave it
to the doctor who saves my
life."
Have you heard about the new aftershave that
drives women
crazy?
No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50
dollar bills.
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting
the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.
One
of the chamber members stood up and said,
"I vote that we donate
half of it to the Red Cross and then give the
other fifty dollars
to the Salvation Army."
Elmore walked into his
favorite truck stop
cafe and said to the owner,
"Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on
a raffle?"
"Whada ya win?"
"A million dollars!" said
the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for
a million years."
"How much are they each?"
"Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or
three for half a dollar!"
Three boys were walking along the beach one day
when
they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a
banknote on a
big rock when a ghostly voice calls out
'' I am
the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the
table!''
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the
same
thing happens again.
The third boy goes in ,sees the five
dollars and cries out,''I am the
ghost of David Crockett and this
five dollars goes in my
pocket!''
An English teacher asked her class to write an
essay on what they'd do
if they had a million dollars. Alec handed
in a blank sheet of paper.
'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've
done nothing. Why?'
'Because if I had a million dollars, that's
exactly what I would do
!'
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad
asked him why.
'I've lost five cents,' sobbed
Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.' Here's five more for you,'
At
this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his
dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'
William: May I have some
money for the man
crying outside ?
Mum: What crying man ?
William: The one that's
crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'
Johnny
collected lots of money from trick or
treating and he went to the candy
store to buy some chocolate. '
You should give that money to charity,'
said the
shopkeeper.
'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'
Ted
said to his friend, 'can you lend me
$10?'
'But I only have $8,' his friend replied.
That's OK, you
can always owe me the other $2!
If you found a five
dollar bill in every
pocket of your coat, what would you have ?
Someone else's coat.
A little monster was learning to play the
violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother.
'You
should be on the radio,' said his brother.
'You think I'm that
good?'
'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I
could
switch you off !
Why did your sister feed money to her cow
?
Because she wanted to get rich milk.
My sister fell in love at second
sight. When
she first met him she didn't know how rich he
was.
'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl
to the fortune-teller.
'That's very expensive,isn't it
?'
'Next!'
Visitor: You're very quiet,
Jennifer.
Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your
red nose.
'I can't find my dollar bill,' Jane
sobbed.
'Don't worry,' her Counselor said. 'A dollar doesn't go very far
today.'
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands
and knees.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm looking for
my dollar bill,' Max replied. 'I lost it down the
road.'
'Why
don't you look for it there?'
'Because the light's better
here!'
Martin ended a letter to his
dad with this
question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar
bill?'
His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?'
Martin
answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen
one!'
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged
you?
Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.
Why did Robin Hood steal from the
rich
?
Because the poor didn't have any !
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from
the electric company?
He was shocked.
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the
Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The quarter,
because it has less sense (cents).
If you want to get
rich, why should you keep
your mouth shut?
Because silence is golden.
What did the man do when he got a big gas
bill?
He exploded.
Where can you always find money?
In the
dictionary.
How can you double your money?
Look at it in
a mirror.
What kind of money do monsters use?
Weirdo
(weird dough).
Why are diapers like $10 bills?
Because you
have to change them.
Why is the moon like a dollar?
It has four
quarters.
Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it
used to be?
Because the dimes (times) have changed.
Why did the man throw away all the new pennies
he had?
Because they were a nuisance (new cents).
How can you get rich by
eating?
Eat
fortune cookies.
When does a female deer need money?
When she
doesn't have a buck.
Why is a cat like a penny?
Because it has a
head on one side and a tail on the other.
How can
you make money fast?
Glue it to
the floor.
Where do Eskimos keep their money?
In
snowbanks.
Where do hogs keep their money?
In piggy
banks.
Where do trees keep their money?
In branch
banks.
Why did the hippie put his money in the
refrigerator?
He liked cold cash.
Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because
money talks.
How can you be sure you have counterfeit
money?
If it's a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.
If you take half from
a half dollar, what do
you have?
A dollar.
What lands as often on its tail as it does its
head?
A penny.
Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new
one?
An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.
How did rich people
get their money?
They
were calm and collected.
If you had a million dollars and gave away one
quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much
would
you have left?
A million dollars minus 75 cents.
Who makes a million dollars a day?
Someone
who works in a mint.
Why was the skunk arrested for
counterfeiting?
Because he gave out bad scents (cents).
If George Washington were
alive today, why
couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac?
Because a
dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.
What dog has
money?
A bloodhound, because
he is always picking up scents (cents).
Why is someone who borrows money but does not
pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives
you a quarter back and sometimes a half
back.
Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in
your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose
your
money.
What is the quickest way to double your money
?
Fold it in half !
How do thunderstorms invest their
money?
-In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets
What did the pay
phone say when the quarter
got stuck inside it?
Money's tight these days!
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and
asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"What's the
problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked
me how much
I was willing to spend on her education."
A couple was having a
discussion about
family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it
weren't for my
money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied,
"My dear, if
it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
Mother:
Why did you just swallow the money I
gave you ?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !
Why was the struggling
mange seen shaking
the club cat ?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty !
Q: What do you call
counterfeited German
currency?
A: Question marks.
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment
banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He's so happy that
he's giving some serious thought to paying back
his student loan.
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband
told
his wife the good news:
"Honey, we've finally got enough
money to buy what we started saving
for in 1979."
"You mean a
brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a
1979 Cadillac."
Q:Why did the man put
his money in the
freezer?
A:('He wanted cold hard cash!')
