What brings the monster's babies? The
Frankenstork.
Did you hear about the monster who went to a
holiday camp? He
won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and
he wasn't even
entered.
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
Bolt upright.
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
How did Frankenstein's
monster eat his
lunch?
He bolted it down.
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to
death?
He had a crush on her.
How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built
his monster?
On a piece rate.
Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when
suddenly
through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope
round his
neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you
doing here?"
The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this
morning so now I've
come to meet my maker."
What happened to Frankenstein's monster on
the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled
for six
months.
What does Frankenstein's monster call a
screwdriver?
Daddy.
What happened to Frankenstein's stupid son?
He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent
contributor
to Madame Tussaud's.
Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest
invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50
per
cent aspirin.
Igor: But what's it for?
Dr Frankenstein:
For monsters with splitting headaches.
Igor: Only
this morning Dr Frankenstein
completed another amazing operation. He
crossed an ostrich with a
centipede.
Dracula: And what did he get?
Igor: We don't know - we
haven't managed to catch it yet.
What
happened when Dr Frankenstein
swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein
invented
the safety match.
Igor: Yes, that was one of his most
striking achievements.
What do you call a mouse that can pick up a
monster?
Sir.
Why did the monster stop playing with his
brother?
He got tired of kicking him around.
What do you call a monster with a
wooden
head?
Edward.
What does a polite monster say when he meets
you for the
first time?
Pleased to eat you!
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
What do you call a monster with two wooden
heads?
Edward Woodward.
What does a monster do when he loses his head?
He calls a head hunter.
How did the monster cure his sore throat?
He spent all day gargoyling.
On which day do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
What kind of monster can sit on the end of
your finger?
The bogeyman.
Little monster: Mom, I've finished. Can I
leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your
supper.
First monster: I
have a hunch.
Second
monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
Did you hear the
joke about the two
monsters who crashed?
They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.
How do you address a monster?
Very
politely.
Did you hear about the monster who had twelve
arms and
no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.
HWhy did the monster lie on his back?
To
trip up low-flying aircraft.
What do you get if you cross a plum
with a
man eating monster?
A purple people eater.
Where is the monster's temple?
On the
side of his head.
How do you communicate with the Loch Ness
Monster at 20,000 fathoms?
Drop him a line.
What should you call a polite, friendly, kind,
good
looking monster?
A failure.
Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three
headed mountain monster?
Girl: Really? What kind of fur?
Boy: As fur away as possible!
How can you tell if a monster has a
glass
eye?
Because it comes out in conversation
What makes an ideal present for
a monster?
Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
Did you hear about the
monster who lost
all his hair in the war?
He lost it in a hair raid.
What did the big, hairy monster do when he
lost a hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.
Did you hear about the monster who had an
extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them?
In a handbag.
Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
What do you get if you cross
a tall green
monster with a fountain pen?
The Ink-credible Hulk.
Did you hear about the Irish monster who went
to night school to learn to read in the dark?
Why did the monster
take his nose apart?
To see what made it run.
What happened when the monster stole a bottle
of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
On her annual visit to another planet,
an
old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this
spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin
steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."
Mr Monster:
Oi, hurry up with my supper.
Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I've only got three pairs of
hands.
What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has
sixteen wheels?
A monster on roller-skates.
What should you do if a monster runs
through your front door?
Run through the back door.
How do you stop a monster digging up your
garden?
Take his spade away.
What do you do with a green monster?
Put
it in the sun until it ripens!
What does a monster mom say to her
kids at
dinnertime?
Don't talk with someone in your mouth.
What did Frankenstein's
monster say when
he was struck by lightning?
Thanks, I needed that.
What happens if a big hairy monster sits in
front of you at the movie theater?
You miss most of the film.
First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's
hanging out.
Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your
necktie!
What do you call
a huge, ugly, slobbering,
furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
Anything you like ? he
can't hear you.
The monster spent a fortune
on deodorants
before he found out that people didn't like him
anyway.
How do man-eating monsters count to a
thousand?
On their warts.
Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs
at
him?
Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.
What does the hungry monster get after he's
eaten too much ice cream?
More ice cream!
What's the difference between a dim monster
and a
birthday candle?
The candle is a thousand times
brighter!
Why did the monster put the
cake in the
freezer?
Because he had been told to ice it.
1st Monster: What is that son of
yours
doing these days ?
2nd Monster: He's at medical school.
1st
Monster: Oh, what's he studying ?
2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying
him!
First monster: That
pretty girl over there
just rolled her eyes at me.
Second monster: Well you'd better roll
them back to her, she might
need them.
What do young female monsters do at parties
?
They go around looking for edible bachelors !
Why is stupid monster
like a
jack-o'-lantern?
They both have empty heads.
Girl Monster 1: "I hear you've met the
perfect guy."
Girl Monster 2: "Oh yes, he's a bad dream come
true!"
How does a
monster begin a fairy
tale?
"Once upon a slime . . ."
What monster plays the most April Fool's
jokes?
Prankenstein!
What would you get if you crossed a monster
with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!
Why did the monster get a ticket at
Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit!
What did the monster say to the
Thanksgiving turkey?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What would you get if you crossed a monster
with a redcoat?
A bigger target.
How do you stop a monster from
smelling?
Cut off his nose.
Where do you find monster snails?
On the
end of monsters fingers.
Where do space monsters live?
In far
distant terror-tory.
What's the difference between a monster
and a mouse?
A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
Did you hear
about the monster with five
legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.
What's big and ugly and drinks
out of the
wrong side of the glass?
A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
To
see if blondes have more fun.
'Here's a good book,' said the
sales
assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster.
'How To Help Your Husband
Get Ahead.'
'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's
got two heads
already. . .'
A very tall monster with several arms and
legs, all of
different lengths, went into a tailor's shop.
'I'd
like to see a suit that will fit me,' he told the tailor.
'So would
I, sir,' said the tailor. 'So would I.'
If storks bring
human babies, what bring
monster babies?
Cranes.
What do sea monsters have for dinner?
Fish
and ships.
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven
legs walked into a tailors shop.
'Quick!' shouted the tailor
to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free
Alterations" sign!'
What's big and hairy and goes 'beep
beep'?
A monster in a traffic jam.
What is a monster's favourite society?
The
Consumers' Association.
How can you tell if a monster has a
glass
eye?
When it comes out in conversation.
FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a
monster with
one hand.
SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't!
FIRST HUMAN BOY:
Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.
What do you get if you cross a bird with a
monstrous snarl?
A budgerigrrrrr!
FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I
counted
the rings under her eyes.
BERT MONSTER: That's nothing. My
sister's tongue is so long, she can
lick an envelope after she's
posted it.
FRED: Your monster was
making a terrible
noise last night.
BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks
he can sing.
Why is
the monsters' football pitch
wet?
Because the players keep dribbling on it.
FIRST MONSTER: I'm going
to a party
tonight.
SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you?
FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go
to the graveyard and dig out a few old
friends.
What do you get if you cross a monster with a
flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.
MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice
to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she
hits you.
What did the monster say to his
psychiatrist?
'I feel abominable.'
Why did the monster go into hospital?
To
have his ghoul-stones removed.
Monster: Where do fleas go in
winter?
Werewolf: Search me!
What is a monster's favourite
drink?
Demonade.
What do they have for lunch at Monster
School?
Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.
What's the
hardest part of making monster
soup?
Stirring it.
FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner?
SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.
FIRST MONSTER: I fancy
eating the city of
Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me?
SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I
can't stand Chinese food.
MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you
not to eat with your fingers?
Use the spade like everyone
else.
Little monster: Mom I've finished.
Can I
leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.
Little monster: Mom,
why can't we have
dustbins like everyone else?
Mother monster: Less talking, more
eating please.
Little monster:
Mom, Mom, what's for tea?
Mother monster: Shut up and get back in the microwave.
Mommy monster:
Don't eat that uranium.
Little monster: Why not?
Mommy monster: You'll get
atomic-ache.
What happened to Ray when he met the
man-eating monster?
He became an ex-Ray.
Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the
menu,
sir?
Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
Why did the
monster paint himself in
rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
Why was the big, hairy,
two-headed monster
top of the class at school?
Because two heads are better than
one.
What can a monster do that you
can't do?
Count up to 25 on his fingers.
What aftershave do monsters wear?
Brute.
How did the world's tallest monster become
short overnight?
Someone stole all his money.
What happened when the monster stole a
bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
Did you hear about the monster who
sent
his picture to a lonely hearts club?
They sent it back saying they
weren't that lonely!
Did you hear
about the monster who had an
extra pair of hands?
Where did he keep them?
In a
handbag.mons
A monster walked into the council rent office
with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other.
You see, he was $15 in arrears.
Did you hear about the monster with
one
eye at the back of his head, and one at the front?
He was terribly
moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with
himself.
Why did the monster take a dead man for a
drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
Why did the monster drink ten liters of
antifreeze?
So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
What's the difference
between
Frankenstein and boiled potatoes?
You can't mash Frankenstein.
Why did Frankenstein's monster give up
boxing?
Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
What kind of book did
Frankenstein's
monster like to read?
One with a cemetery plot.
What was the inscription on the tomb of
Frankenstein's monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE
REST IN PIECES.
Where does
the bride of Frankenstein have
her hair done?
At the ugly parlour.
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to
the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his
goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it
is great at chasing submarines.
What do you
call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps
on
Batman and Robin ?
Flatman and Ribbon !
Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit!
Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.
What kind of monster is safe
to put in the
washing machine?-
A wash and wear wolf
Why are monsters huge and hairy and
ugly?-
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be
M&M's
What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and
belongs to Grandpa monster?
- Grandma monster
What monster flies his kite in a rain
storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein
What's a monsters favorite play?
Romeo and
Ghouliet
