A movie producer is lying by the pool at
the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of
excitement.
"How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.
"It went
great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct
for six
million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the
whole
picture for under fifty million."
"Fabulous," says the guy by
the pool.
"There's just one catch," his partner
warns.
"What's the catch?"
"We have to put up ten thousand in cash".
How many film directors
does it take
to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two
times and when he's done,
everyone says that his last light bulb was
much better.
Q: How many
actors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I
could've done
that."
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
Q: How many Union
Lighting Technicians
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a
globe.
Q: How many Director's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one... but how do you get him in
there with the cute,
blonde?
Q: How many Director's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
Q: How many DP's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do
it.
Q: How many DP's
does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on
the truck?
Q: How many
art directors does it
take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
I've got this neat candle
holder...
Q: How many editors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to
change everything.
Q:
How many Stuntmen does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell
him how bitchin' he
looked doing it.
Q: How many Camera Assistants does it
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to
tell you how they did it on the last
job.
Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take
to screw in a light
bulb?
A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on
that!"
Q: How many PA's does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine........one to do it and eight others to
wish they'd been
asked.
Q: How many PA' does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?
Q: How many over eager PA's does it take
to
screw in a li...
A: Done!
Q: How many Executive Producers does it
take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't
screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about
anything.
Q: How many
Studio Executives does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last
longer than studio executives.
Q: How many Development Executives does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk
about the concept behind this whole "light
bulb" thing.
Q: How many Development Executives does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while
the other screws it into the
faucet.
Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
Q: How many Sound Recordists
does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHAT?
Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't
you see I'm busy!
Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
Q: How many UPM's does it take
to
screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior
we wouldn't be screwing
around with all these damn light
bulbs!"
Q: How many fire safety
guys dose it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- but it's an 8 hour
minimum.
Q: How many
absurdist/surrealist
comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: November.
Q: What did the Production Manager give
his kids for
Christmas?
A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make
it up to them on the next
one.
Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress
working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the
writer.
Q: How many screenwriters
to make
"Titanic" a good movie?
A: One more than they had.
After a difficult day a struggling actor
returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police and
fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"
"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,
assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the
ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
After a difficult day a struggling actor
returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police
and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.
Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"
"Well,"
one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,
assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the
ground."
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"
After a venerable career of endless,
stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime
and
preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he
unexpectedly dies
and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the
gate.
"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the
director. "But
God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to
direct a movie
for Him."
The great man is humbled, "God
wants ME to direct a film?"
"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And
we've arranged to have the best of
everything made available to you.
For example, the script is by William
Shakespeare."
The
director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William
Shakespeare?"
"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."
"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.
"Your Production
Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo
Da Vinci d
oing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier
and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles."
The
Director can't believe it. "This is incredible," he says. "This
will be the greatest movie ever?"
St. Peter kind of shuffles his
feet. "Well," he says, "we do have
one tiny little problem."
"Problem?" says the director. "What kind of a problem?"
St.
Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder, "Ya see," he
whispers, "God's got this girlfriend..."
The producer of a low budget film is
trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work
by
telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.
"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."
The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"
"Well, no,"
the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a
distant cousin
who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And
besides,
we've also got Redford."
"You got Robert Redford?" the director
asks.
"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and
has lots of
acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he
says
enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing
role."
"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.
"No, Elizabeth
Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a
great voice. AND
we've got Goulet."
"You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks.
"Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert
Goulet."
One
agent stops by another agent's
table to tell him the big news: "Elvis
just died!"
The
second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career
move."
Denied membership in an exclusive country
club because he was an
actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is
reported to have said "Hell,
I'm no actor, and I've got thirty
movies to prove it!"
Why was the
actor pleased to be on
the gallows?
Because at last he was in the noose.
Fred: I'd love to be an
actress.
Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for?
Fred: Then you'd be
in a cast for weeks.
An actor went to see a new agent one day
and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is
innovative.'
So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few
times and
landed smoothly on the agent's desk.
`So you do
bird impressions,' said the agent, `what else can you
do?'
What's the definition of a good actor?
Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.
Neighbour:
Haven't I seen you on TV?
Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?
Neighbour: Off.
A bit-part actor finally got his first
leading role
in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off
a high diving
board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of
the board, looked
down and promptly climbed down
again.
`What's the matter?' asked the director.
`I can't jump from that
board!' said the actor. `Do you know there's
only one foot of
water in that pool?'
'Yes,' said the director. `We don't want
you to drown, you
know.'
Why does an actor enjoy his work so
much?
Because it's all play.
Why do actors like snooker
halls?
Because that's where they get their best cues.
Fred: I met a really
conceited actor
the other day.
Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?
Fred: Well,
every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he
went to the
window and took a bow.
Producer: Would you call your leading
lady ugly?
Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio
than on TV.
Q:
How many movie directors does it
take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it
thirty-two times and when he's done
everyone thinks that his last
lightbulb was much better.
Why can't
anyone stay angry long
with an actress?
Because she always makes up.
What kind of star wears sunglasses?
A
movie star.
What is an Actor? A man who tries to be
everything but
himself
What sort of animals make the best TV
presenters ?
Gnus - readers !
What do you call a fight between film
actors ?
Star wars !
What do you get if you cross a dog and a
film studio ?
Collie-wood !
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies
toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !
