Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a
mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so
the
saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a
perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and
one
says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last
night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my
fife."
Q:
What is the difference between a saxophone
and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower
and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's
neighbors don't mind if
you don't return the sax when you borrow
it.
Q: How many alto sax
players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to
contemplate how David Sanborn
would've done it.
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you
trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune
tenor
sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player!
You were hallucinating the other
two.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Q: How do
you make a trombone sound like a
french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong
notes.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and
a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: There is a frog driving
east and a
trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's
probably on its way to a gig.
Q: How many lead trumpet
players does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to
stand around and say, "I
could do that better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth
control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet
soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet
players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature
and earn money.
Q: How do you
know when a trumpet player is
at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty
yards if you've got a good arm.
Tuba Player: Did you hear
my last
recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a
"tuba glue."
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton
viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a
trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the
trampoline.
Q: What
is the difference between the first
and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you
please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure
numbers.
Q:
What do you call a person who plays the
viola?
A: A violator.
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an
optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just
that the
viola player's heads are so small.
Q: What do you call the
folks who hang
around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a
viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why can't you hear a
viola on a digital
recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced
level of
development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: What is the definition
of a major
seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Q: How is lightning like a violist's
fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: Which positions
does a violist use?
A:
First, third, and emergency.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions
only
twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Q: When a 16-inch
viola and a 17-inch viola
are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story
building, which one hits
the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play
spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
A violist and a cellist were standing on a
sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't
swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
A violist comes
home late at night to
discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking
crater where his house
used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him,
"While you were
out, the conductor came to your house, killed your
family, and burned
the house down."
The violist replied,
"You're kidding! The conductor came to my
house?"
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of
tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a
viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: How do you make a violin sound
like a
viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a
viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a
violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit
have in
common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Why is a violinist
like a Scud
missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: What is the difference
between a violist
and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A:
Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why shouldn't violists take
up
mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone
notices that
they're missing.
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed
an
autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a
concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I
write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following
helpful hint,
"Write your repertoire."
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies
first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is
like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to
make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe
this worked! So what is it like in
Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well,
it's great, but I've got good news, and I've
got bad news. The
good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up
here, and in
fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece,
tomorrow
night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies,
"Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
"Haven't I
seen your face before?" a judge
demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your
Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son
violin lessons
last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at
the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to
come in.
Q: What
is the missing link between the bass
and the ape?
A: The baritone.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian
soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really
stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right
while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult
to hit a moving target.
Q: Mom,
why do you always stand by the
window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
A: I don't want the
neighbours to think I'm employing corporal
punishment, dear.
When a young hotshot conductor was making his
debut at
the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how
well he knew the
music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during
rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to
the other,
impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his
stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how
flat his high E was at the end?"
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet
String
Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Q: What do
you do with percussionists that
lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and
tell them to wave their
arms!
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for
transplants?
A: They've had little use.
A musician calls the orchestra office,
asks
for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician
calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from
receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear
you
say it."
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song
backwards?
A: A new age song.
Q: What happens if you sing country music
backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
Q: How can you tell someone
is a true music
lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom
keyhole.
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse,
but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach
in the saddle again.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it
take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to
complain that it's
electrified.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and
17 to be on
the guest list.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to
change a
light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to
sing about how good the
old one was.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is
buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a
supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is
reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three
men and a tenor.
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a
recital
in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost
and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are
we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
A tourist is sightseeing in
a European city.
She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins
reading the
commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching
noise, as
if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a
passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local
person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's
decomposing."
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A:
An accordion player with a pager.
Q: What's the range of an
accordion?
A:
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: What's the difference
between an onion
and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: What's the
definition of perfect
pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching
the
sides.
Q: How do you protect a valuable
instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning
how to fold a map.
Q: What's the difference between a
chainsaw
and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have
a
half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace
themselves in parades.
Q: Why do bagpipers
walk when they
play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a
bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect
pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
any of the
ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a
javelin
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get
people's attention.
Q. Why
did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. What's the difference
between a
lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's
neighbors are upset if
you borrow the lawnmower and don't return
it.
Q. If you were lost in
the woods, who would
you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe
player, an out of tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player.
The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their
dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What's the definition
of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
Q. What's the difference between a
dead
bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The
country singer may have been on the way to a recording
session.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and
a Rolling
Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of
my cloud!", while a
Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my
ewe!"
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it
overboard.
Q: Why
do so many fishermen own
banjos?
A: They make great anchors!
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the
banjo?
A: They make good paddles.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo
and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Q: What is the difference between
a banjo
and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the
other is a bird.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo
right
off?
A: Saves time.
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's
best
friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated
instrument on
earth.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all
the banjo songs?
A: By their names.
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the
timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which
one.
Q:
How many bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him
first.
Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the
lead guitarists who are
hogging the light.
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his
keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass
player out.
Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his
left hand.
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through
about 5 bulbs before
they find one that suits this particular room
and situation.
Q: What
is the difference between a cello
and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: How do you get a
cellist to play
fortissimo?
A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A:
Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Q: How do know a
clarinet player is playing
loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play
louder?
A: You can't!
Q: What's the difference between a violist and
a
dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Q: What will you never say about a
banjo
player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
Q: What's the inscription on
dead
blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Q: Why do drummers always
have trouble
entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your
door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: How many drummers does it take
to change
a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bach !
Bach
who ?
Bach to work!
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bass !
Bass
who ?
Bass the salt and pepper please !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bassoon
!
Bassoon who ?
Bassoon things will be better !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Beethoven
!
Beethoven who ?
Beethoven is too hot !
What do you call a mammoth who conducts an
orchestra?
Tuskanini.
When is the water in the shower room musical?
When it's piping hot.
Why did the music student have a piano in the
bathroom?
Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.
What is musical and
handy in the
supermarket.
A Chopin Lizst.
Why did they arrest the musician?
He got
into treble.
Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed
wire fence miss his music lesson?
Because he'd already done
the sharps and flats.
What's musical and
holds gallons and
gallons of beer?
A barrel organ.
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three
piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Do you think, Professor, that my
wife should
take up the piano as a career?
No, I think she should put down the
lid as a favor.
Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a
violin?
A: You get light music.
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to
chorus?
A: He wanted to sing higher!
One day the bass player hid one of the
drummer's sticks.
The drummer said, "finally! After being a drummer for
so long,
now I am a conductor!"
A down and out musician was playing his
harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman
asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one,"
confessed
the musician. "In that case, you'll have to accompany
me."
"Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"
1st
man: "My neighbors were screaming and
yelling at three o'clock this
morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake
you?"
1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was
not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a
sign
on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
Hey buddy.
How late does the band
play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is
happy when the case is closed.
An eight-year-old kid says
t his dad, "When
I grow up, I want to be a musician."
The dad says, "I am sorry --
can't have it both ways."
How do you
make a bandstand?
Take away
their chairs
Q.How is a heart like a musician?
A.They both
have a beat :)
