Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by
eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a
child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by
eleven."
With four
daughters and one son always
dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, our schedule was
hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household
supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any
item by writing it down on a note pad on the
refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT
DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I
found the
following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF
IT."'
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you
idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
A man
and his wife were making their first
doctor visit, the wife being
pregnant with their first
child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and
stamped
the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was
curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got
home, the
husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it
was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come
back and see me."
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came
out of
his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness
and
asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was
enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for
the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out
with
the lawn mower."
When our second child was on the way, my wife
and I
attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the
news to the older
child. It went like this:
"Some parents,"
she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so
much we decided to
bring another child into this family.' But think
about that.
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love
you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the
women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
On a
flight to Florida, I was preparing my
notes for one of the parent-education
seminars I conduct as an
educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me
explained that she was returning
to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18
grandchildren and ten
great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a
living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional
advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,
"If there's
anything you want to know, just ask me."
For two solid hours, the lady
sitting next
to a man on an airplane had told him about her
grandchildren. She
had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of
the
children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire
conversation on
her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the
talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you
certainly have something to
say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my
grandchildren?"
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed
the
wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you
have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well,
no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and
eleven
children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't
think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want
to
get."
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest
questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok
ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the
doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or
does the
doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to
doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his
first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was
expected
at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel
the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his
teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the
boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby
brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into
tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Four
expectant fathers were in a
Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in
labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations
sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man
said with some obvious pride. "I work
for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the
second man,
"You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow,
that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I
work for
the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live
this
one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing
cigars around, the
nurse came back. This time, she turned to the
third man, who had been
quiet in the corner. She announced that his
wife had just given birth to
quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could
reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
r
After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't
believe it,
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing
this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy,
who had just
fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
and,
after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse
asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k.
now. I just had a shocking thought. I
work at the 7-11 Store."
There was a woman who was pregnant with
twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into
a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached.
While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person
around
to name her children was her brother.
When the mother
came out of her coma to find she had given birth and
that her
brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he
wasn't
a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something
absurd
or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the
twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What
did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh,
wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The
second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name
him?"
Brother: "Denephew."
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks
to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived,
no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child
to hold a lantern high so he could see,
while he helped the woman
deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a
little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to
get him to take his first
breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the
baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!"
There was this little kid who had a bad
habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he
didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his
mother had her friends over for a game of bridge.
The boy points to
an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I
know what you've
been doing!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The
bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In
a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her
sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was
wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and
said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to
insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back
up there and give
him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good
idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your
monkey."
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
with a three year old
girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie
section, the child asked
for cookies and her mother told her "no."
The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother
said quietly, "Now Ellen, we
just have half of the aisles left to go
through; don't be upset. It
won't be long."
He passed the
Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little
girl began
to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any,
she
began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry.
Only
two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The
man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where
the
little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a
terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this ch
eck out
stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a
nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how
patient you were with
little Ellen..."
The mother broke in,
"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm
Ellen."
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young
son stop urinating
in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother
lectured him, "that from time to time,
young children will urinate
in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving
board!?!?"
Martin had just received his brand new drivers
license. The family troops
out to the driveway, and climbs in the
car, where he is going to take
them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately heads for the back
seat, directly behind the newly
minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of
scenery after all
those months of sitting in the front passenger
seat teaching me how to
drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the
back
of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me
all these
years."
A very successful businessman had a meeting
with his new
son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family,"
said the man. "To show you how much we care for
you, I'm making you a
50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory
every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll
work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
out."
A small boy is sent to bed by his
father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had
your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of
water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of
water?"
Q: How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?
A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
What do young ghosts
call their parents?
Deady and Mummy.
When is a parent like a child?
When he's a
miner.
What's another name for an parent?
Someone
who's stopped growing except around the waist.
Why are parents boring?
Because they're
groan-ups.
What didn't Adam and Eve have that
everyone else has?
Parents.
We spend the first twelve months of our
children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four
years telling
them to sit down and shut up!
When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he
let
out a few choice words. Shocked by her son's outburst, his mother
said, "Don't you dare use that kind of language in here." "William
Shakespeare did," replied Ben. "Well, you'd better stop going around
with him," said Mom.
NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and
two days later sent him home with a ransom note.
His parents
immediately sent the kid back with the money.
Tad looked up from the book on ancient history
he was reading and asked his father, "Pop, what's a millennium?"
"Well," he muttered, "I think it's something like a centennial,
only it has more legs!"
Son: Where are the Himalayas?
Father: If
you'd put things away, you'd know where to find
them.
"Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?"
asked Rupert.
"Okay," replied his father, "but don't stand too
close."
Father:
Don't you think our son gets his
brains from me?
Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
Young Bobby was
being fitted for glasses,
and his father, standing beside him, said,
"Now, remember, son.
Don't wear them when you're not looking at
anything."
"Papa, who was Hamlet?"
"You birdbrain!
Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he
was."
"Dad, do you believe in Buddha?" "Why, of
course, but I think
margarine is just as good."
"Dad, why do you write so slow?" asked
Dennis. "I have to," replied his father. "I'm a slow reader."
Son:
What is an autobiography?
Father:
Er, the story of an automobile.
Talbot and his son James were
called to
Mrs. Cren-shaw's classroom.
"Mr. Talbot," said the teacher, "I
asked James 'Who shot Abraham
Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't
do it!"
"Well, teacher," said Talbot, "if my kid said he
didn't do it he
didn't do it!"
Father and son left the school,
and on their way home Talbot turned to
the boy and asked, "Tell me,
son, did you do it?" '
An irate father stormed into the principal's
office. "I demand to know," he screamed, "why my son Winslow was
given a zero on his English examination."
"Now, don't get
excited," said the principal. "We'll get your
Winslow's English
teacher in here. I'm sure she has some explanation."
A few minutes
later, the English teacher arrived.
"Why did you give Winslow a
zero on his English final?" demanded the
father.
"I had no
choice," said the schoolmarm. "He handed in a blank paper
with
absolutely nothing on it."
"That's no excuse," shouted the father.
"You could have at least
given him an 'A' for neatness!"
"What are you reading?" demanded
the father
of his seven-year-old.
"A story about a cow jumping over the
moon," was the reply.
"Throw that book away at once," he
commanded.
"How many times have I told you you're too young to read
science
fiction?"
At dinner, Seth said to his father,
"Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your
fault."
"How's that?" asked the master of the house.
"Remember I asked
you how much $500,000 was?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"Well,
'a helluva lot' ain't the right answer."
Down at the
office Bostwick boasted to one
of his buddies,
"My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham
Lincoln.
Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten
years old.
Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty!"
"Honey," said Mrs.
Beldon to her
husband,
"Lester's teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia."
"Encyclopedia, my eye!" exclaimed Beldon.
"Let him walk to
school like I did."
"Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions,"
said the father. "I'd like to know what would have happened if I'd
asked as many questions when I was a boy."
"Perhaps," said
the boy, "you'd've been able to answer some of
mine."
Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip
and asked her
husband,
"How did Greg do on his history
exam?"
"Oh, not so good," he replied.
"But it wasn't his
fault. They asked him about things that happened
before he was
born!"
"Dad," said Rickey, "what is electricity?"
"Uh," replied his father, "I don't really know too much about
electricity."
A few minutes later the boy said, "How does gas
make the engine go?"
"Son, I'm afraid I don't know much about
motors." "Dad," said the
boy, "what is anthropology?"
"Anthropology?"
The father frowned. "I really don't know."
"Gee,
Dad, I guess I'm making a nuisance of myself." "Not at all,
son. If
you don't ask questions, you'll never learn
anything."
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at
the dinner table when the boy
suddenly blurted out,
"Gee,
you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything."
"Now, son," scolded
Bentley, "you musn't be picky about your
mother's little
faults."
During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young
girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.
As they
sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed
a
baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then
turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it
turned again and came back.
"Do you see that baseball cap?"
said the girl. "First it goes
downstream, then turns around and
comes back."
"Oh, that's my dad," replied the boy. "This morning
he said that
come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass
today."
Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's
father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage.
"Sir,"
he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and
"
"See here, young man," interrupted the parent, "when my daughter
needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."
Mrs. Ellis came home from
work one evening
to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She
raced into
the kitchen where her husband was making dinner.
"Hey!" she
announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Matthew
lighting a cigar!"
"You put a stop to that right now," he shouted.
"That
kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"
Did
you hear about the little boy who was
named after his father ?
They called him Dad !
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad
?
Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after
Christmas !
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to
his father's
annoyance.
'Teddy,' he called, 'how many more
times have I got to tell you to
come down the stairs quietly? Now,
go back up and come down like a
civilised human being.'
There
was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
'That's
better,' said his father. 'Now will you always come down
stairs like
that?'
'Suits me,' said Teddy. 'I slid down the bannister.'
Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you
to eat all your sister's birthday chocs.
It's all right Dad, I
know how !
Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My
sister's
fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads.
Dad: No, I'm not
coming out. She's going to have to learn to look
after herself.
Father: I want to take my girl our of this
terrible math
class.
Teacher: But she's top of the
class.
Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.
What do you
call a small parent?
A
minimum !
Girl: Mom, mom a monster's just bitten my foot
off.
Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I've just washed the
floor.
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used
be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..
Son: Dad, at
your age, he had become the Prime Minister of
England.
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143
from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your
car is missing.
Father:
" I know the answer to your bad
grades. You're spending too much time
watching television."
Son:
" I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a
question."
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly
being asked to
look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time
these items were
directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration
over this when it
happened yet again, one of her sons remarked:
"It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision:"
