Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during
the
holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the
street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on
their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap
them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let
their kids open all the
gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until
Christmas morning.
When
toasting the holidays, Republicans
ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a
catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late
night
television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at
Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have
no problem
buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why
their kids pretend to shoot each
other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and
hours of
work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas
displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at
night to look
at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is
"Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is
"It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite
Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off
expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags
off pricey gifts ... and reposition
them to make sure they are
seen.
Democrats wear wide red ties and green
sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all
year round.
Most Republicans try, at least
once,
enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their
families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats
usually discourages them from doing it
again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is
"Deck the Halls."
Young Democrat's favorite Christmas carol is
"Grandma Got Run Over by
a Reindeer."
Republican's favorite Christmas
carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas
carol is "White
Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial
Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait
until the week
before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it
after
New Years.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting
their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't
either, as long as the Indians win.
Republicans
first began thinking like
Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa
Claus.
Democrats
became Democrats because they never stopped believing in
Santa
Claus.
Democrat men like to watch football while
the women fix
holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full
agreement.
Q: How many republicans
does it take to
disarm the law abiding public so that the government can
enforce
totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The
Sociali--Democrats do that
Q: How many republicans does
it take to
raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill
Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to
destroy
a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the
taxpayers.
"Are you a
member of any organized
political party?"
"No. I'm a Republican."
Two opposing county chairman were sharing
a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass
up
a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a
cab, I
give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it
doesn't cost
me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I
leave, I also
say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
A Republican and a Democrat
were walking
down the street when they came to a homeless person. The
Republican
gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come
to
his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his
pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very
impressed, and when they came to another homeless
person, he decided
to help. He walked over to the homeless person and
gave him
directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the
Republican's
pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
It has been said that the United States has
the best
congressmen money can buy.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal
who's been mugged.
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal
who made it through adolescence.
Q: Why do liberals
travel in
threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both
intellectuals.
Q: What is the only thing worse than an
incompetent
liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal
and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: What do a Wendy's
Hamburger and the
Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy
named "Dave".
Q: Why are there
more jokes about Waco
than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: Why did the
Davidians commit
suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: How many
helicopters does it take for
White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many
were photographed.
The major difference between death and taxes
is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.
Q: What's
the difference between Janet
Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the
kids out.
Q: You know what the
problem with
political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets
treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A:
Coffee.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al
Gore's life?
A: Grade six.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of
secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What is the basement where White House
staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A:
T-A-T-E-R.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really
dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: What's the difference between
Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian
problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Three boys were heading home from school
one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal
one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw
a
90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it
just
after it crosses the plate!"
One of the other boys
said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow
from his bow and run to
the target and hold it up to make sure the
arrow hits the bulls
eye!"
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to
being faster
than mine. My dad works for the government, and even
though he works
every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
Q: How can you tell if it
was a shared
computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the
White-out.
Q: Why do they always fly
around a live
turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
What is the difference between the
government and
the Mafia? One of them is organized.
A political man to a woman, "You look
beautiful today!!!!"
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I
could not say the same
about you."
"Sure you could!!" said the
political man, "if you could lie as well
as I do!"
I don't think this whole White House
scandal is good for
parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie,
and he
said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town
Meeting."
When
that fool Reagan said that the
Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history,
I knew he was a
demagogue.
When that fool Reagan said that the
Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous
kook.
When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War
by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored
nuclear
annihilation.
When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past,
I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had
nothing to do with it.
Because if that fool Reagan was right all
along...
...what kind of fool am I?
Definition:
Politics Poli (Poly):
Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures
A
redneck calles up the White House and
tells the receptionist:
"I'd like to become the next President of
the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an
idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do
all Fairy Tales begin with Once
Upon A Time?"
And he replied,
"No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin
with 'If
Elected I promise...'"
Three Republicans walk into a bar.
The
bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here."
The Republicans
say, "That's OK...We don't serve you either.
Two
men were stopped by a TV newswoman
doing street
interviews about the upcoming presidential primary
election.
"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man
said. "I
don't know any of them."
"I feel the same way," the
second man said. "Only I know
them all."
The politician was sitting at his campaign
headquarters
when the phone
rang. He listened intently, and
after a moment his face brightened.
When
he hung up, he immediately
phoned his mother to tell her the good
news. "Ma," he shouted, "the
results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The
politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a
time
like this?"
One day a boy and his father were at the
dining room
table
working on the boy's Social Studies homework,
the chapter
about government. The boy turns to his father and
asks,
"Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"
The father
replies without hesitating, "Oh, about ten percent."
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask
jumped into the path
of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in
his ribs. "Give me your
money", he demanded.
Indignant, the
affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United
States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
If the
State of the Union is really "the
best it's ever been"
Why do we "need" dozens of new government
programs to fix it!
Q:
How many US Presidents does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only
Congress can screw in light
bulbs, so only Congress is responsible
for the dark, which is why we need
a Constitutional ammendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can
handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many senators does it take
to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a
quorum.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the
chandelier. A: None, they
only screw the poor
Q: How many politicians does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to
change it back again.
Q:
How many politicians does it take to
change a lightbulb ? A: Four, one
to change it and the other three
to deny it.
Q: How many believable,
competent, "just
right for the job" presidential candidates does it
take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many MP's
does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a
fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.
Q: How many Labour Party
members does it
take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on
that.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates
representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
A:
Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from
jerking.
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are
already part of
the environment.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take
to change
a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well it's not really a
question of should we change it or
should we not change the lightbulb,
but more a question of...(blah blah
waffle)"
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw
in a light
bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to
hand out leaflets.
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to
realize that the old one has
burnt out.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to
change a light
bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on
the merit of the previous
bulb.
A reporter heard Bush and one of his
underlings talking in the
hallway:
"Mr President, how do we know
for sure Iraq has weapons of mass
destruction?"
Pres says:
"You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the
receipts!!"
I want to become a politician when I grow up
so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but
I've
only come up with one: Lying.
A reporter cornered George W.
Bush at a
press conference:
"Many say the only reason why you would be
elected for President is
due to the enormous power and influence of
your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It
doesn't matter
how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"
A cargo plane is in
mid-flight over the
ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to
reveal an
armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot,
navigator, and a
passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?}
Maybe,
he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South
America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said,
"Take
this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the
place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and
said, "Look
buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the
sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."
The
hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head
and
said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all
over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said,
"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart
and he could keel over at the
shock of my being killed. So if you
shoot me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it
for a moment and then held the gun to the
navigator's head and
repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all
over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said, "I
wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other
two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag
much less get this plane to Iraq. So
if you shoot me, this plane will
still crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought
some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to
the passenger's
head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."
No one said a word, at first,
then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator
all brust into laughter.
"He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He
doesn't have any
brains!"
The President is running down the street one
day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her
dog
just had.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl,
I think that it's
wonderful that you're doing such a good
thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a
puppy?
They're Democrats."
Bill declines and jogs onward.
The next day Billy jogs past the same
girl and decides to talk to
her again. "You know what, little girl? I
think I'll take one of
those puppies after all, seeing as how they're
Democrats."
The
girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any
more. They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you
know? As a matter of fact, how did
you know that they were
Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were
born they were Democrats, but
now their eyes are open."
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown
Washington, DC.
He saw a man standing near the curb, and
asked, "Listen, I'm going to
be only a couple of minutes. Would you
watch my car while I run into
this store?"
"What?" the man
huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States
Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But
listen,
I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you
anyway."
An aircraft is about to crash. There are
five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The
first
passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA
basketball
player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I
died." So he
takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second
passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the
former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman
in the
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future
President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third
passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I am the President of the
United States
of America. I have a huge responsibility in world
politics. And
apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the
history of
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to
die."
So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, th
e Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year
old schoolboy, "I
am already old. I have already lived my life, as a
good person and
a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies
"No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute
for you.
America's most intelligent President has taken my
schoolbag."
A first grade teacher explained to her class
that she is a liberal
Democrat. She asks her students to raise
their hands if they were
liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing
what a liberal Democrat was, but
wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands flew up into the air.
There was one exception. A girl
named Lucy had not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her
why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal
Democrat."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"Why
I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.
The
teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy
why she is a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to
trust in myself instead of relying on an
intrusive government to
care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and
Mom are
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican
too."
The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if
your
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be
then?"
The teacher paused and smiled.
"Then," Lucy said,
"I'd be a liberal Democrat."
A small boy was
asked by his teacher,
"What is the size of the Democratic Party?"
"About 5 feet 2 inches,"
he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the
teacher.. "I mean, how MANY
members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2
inches?" "Well,"
replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and
every night he puts his
hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to
HERE with the
Democratic Party!"
Why is Congress like a cold?
Because
sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's
(nose).
Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want
Gore in 2000.
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was
addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a
statue."
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people
of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly
am."
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you
have a pigeon on your head."
Two political candidates were having a
hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other,
"What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
And the
other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of
this!"
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are
having a conversation via Al
Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George
Bush, "There is no point of
engaging in further war. I can see
total peace in the future!"
George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell
me what you see?"
Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new
great buildings on one
side and beautiful new buildings on the
other side, and everything is
peaceful and wonderful."
George
Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I
see
for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there,
a small building here and small building there, but there are signs
hanging in the middle of the street."
Osama asks, "And what
do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't
read Hebrew!"
A
Japanese man was boasting about how
his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, "We take
the lungs out of a man, perform an
operation, put the lungs back in,
and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for
work."
An Englishman
said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take
the heart out
of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in
just 3
weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney
out of a
man, put into another man's body and have them looking
for work in 2
weeks."
The American says, "Well hell, that's
nothin'. We had an idiot taken
out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse
and now half the country is
lookin' for work!"
Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a
war going
on between India and Bharat?
Another madman said,
"Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan."
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If
you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you
too!
QUESTION: How long does a United States
Congressman serve?
ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976
presidential race.
ANSWER: The American people.
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a
party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister
asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's
insignificant,"
replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?" lawyer asked.
"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day
I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I
said
'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go,"
minister
replied.
A Congressman was once asked about his
attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the
mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames
sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas
cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable potion that
puts needed funds into public
coffers to comfort little crippled
children, then I'm for it."
"This is my final position, and I will not
compromise!"
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of
its own revolution.
Q:
What has dual airbags and has lots of
room?
A: The White House.
