A local priest and pastor stood by the side
of
the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn
yourself
around now before it's too late!"
They planned to
hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you
religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he
sped by.
From around
the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said
one clergy
to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says
'bridge
out' instead?"
A little girl spoke to her teacher about
whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a
human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very
small.
The little girl said, "But how can
that be? Jonah was swallowed by a
whale."
Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human. "It is
physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said,
"Well, when I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah."
To this, the
teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Old Mrs.
Watkins awoke one spring morning
to find that the river had flooded the
entire first floor of her
house. Looking out of her window, she saw
that the water was still
rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation
to row to
safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied.
"The Lord will
provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.
By
evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the
roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered
to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord
will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge
atop the chimney. When a
Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she
waved it on, shouting, "The
Lord will provide."
So the boat
left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and
thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates
and demande
d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out
loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
A
priest was called away for an
emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his
rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for
him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told
him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit
and show
him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the confessional. In a
few minutes, a woman comes in and
says, 'Father, forgive me for I have
sinned.'
The priest
asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed
adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman
replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the
box, and go and sin no
more.'
A few minutes later a man
enters the confessional. He says, 'Father
forgive me for I have
sinned.'
'What did you do?'
I committed adultery.'
r
'How many times?'
'Three times.'
The priest
says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and
sin no
more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so
the priest
leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters
and says, 'Father, forgive me
for I have sinned.'
The
rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed
adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many
times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and
do it two more times, We have a special this
week, three for
$5.'
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in
dire
trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes
into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please
help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm
going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back
to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost
my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as
well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the
synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in
order???".
Suddenly there is a
blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Jacob is confronted
by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE,
BUY A DAMN TICKET"
"And how much of that stack of hay did you
steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might
as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said
Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
O'Toole
worked in the lumber yard for
twenty years and all that time he'd been
stealing the wood and
selling it. At last his conscience began to bother
him and he went to
confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last
confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard all those
years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the
priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you
have the plans, I've got the
lumber."
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the
Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in
the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew
out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got
married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the
Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury.
Q. What
kind of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Q. What kind of
motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. What kind
of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen
Beetle:
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond
movement."
Q. Who
was the greatest comedian in the
Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the
Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second.
Cain struck
out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants
and the Angels were
rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled
from the
Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that
Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised
Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his
children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out
of house and home.
Q. Who is the greatest
babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David
hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his
head before.
Q. What do they
call pastors in
Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to
Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the
most
flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10
commandments; at once.
Q. Which
area of Palestine was
especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a
chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at
ease, but he
proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of
the neck and
proceeded to smash me."
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned
in
the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Two bishops were
discussing the decline
in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife
before I was married," said one
clergyman self-righteously, "Did
you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
A
minister told his congregation, "Next
week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you
understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."
The following
Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked
for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark
17.
Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only
sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of
lying."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I
saw a man standing on
the edge, about to jump off. I immediately
ran over and said "Stop!
Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?"
he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
Church of the
Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me
too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To
which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
There's this guy who had been lost and
walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home
of a
missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
collapses on
the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back
to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for
directions to the
nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this
horse. He goes back
into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I
borrow your horse and
give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this
horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make
it
stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure,
ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse
starts
walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse
starts
trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank
God, thank God,
thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse
just takes off. Pretty soon
he sees this cliff coming up and he's
doing everything he can to make
the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop,
hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse
stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the
saddle
and says, "Thank God."
Pat and Mike were walking down the
street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here,
I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long
time'.
Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have
sinned with a married woman'.
The priest asks, 'was it Mrs
Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.
'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'?
Again the reply was 'No, Father'.
'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat
said, Father, I'll not be teling you the
lady's name!
So the
priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had
sinned
with the woman.
Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did
you do'? Pat said,
'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new
prospects'!
A drunk man
who smelled like a beer sat
down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was
stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and
a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his
newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man
turned to
the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The
priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap
wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man'
'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and
apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'
'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope
does.'
One afternoon a little boy was playing
outdoors. He used his
mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful
time until it was getting
dark.
He left the broom on the back
porch. His mother was cleaning up the
kitchen when she realized that
her broom was missing. She asked the little
boy about the broom and
he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get
it. The little boy informed his mom
that he was afraid of the dark
and didn't want to go out to get the
broom.
His mother smiled
and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be
afraid'. The
little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if
you're out
there, hand me the broom'.
Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at
the end
of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing
Hymns instead of Hers!
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He
only had two worms!
Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Q: Why did God
create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking
nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!
Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'
Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40
years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
A Christian man had
just died and was on
his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of
heaven he met an
angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.
'Oh that's
easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'
'What make you
think his name is Andy?' the angel asked
incredulously.
'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with
me,
Andy talks with me.'
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa
when he
heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord,"
prayed the
missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking
behind me
is a good Christian lion."
And then, in the silence that
followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he
prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I
am about to receive."
There is a story about a monastery in Europe
perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The
only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket
which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with
all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in
that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous
about half-way up as he noticed that
the rope by which he was suspended
was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who
was riding with him in the
basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment
and answered brusquely, "Whenever it
breaks."
A Catholic Priest and
a Rabbi were
chatting one day when the conversation turned to a
discussion of job
descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in
way of a promotion in your
job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well,
I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the
Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can
become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the
Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's
possible
for me to become a full Bishop." said the
Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a
bit exasperated replied, "With some luck
and real hard work, maybe
I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the
Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots
and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the
right
places at the right times and play my political games just
right, maybe,
just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and
then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest.
"What do you expect me to become,
GOD?"
"Well," said the
Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the
Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.
The
dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying
"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't
have services for an
animal in the church, but I'll tell you what,
there's a new denomination
down the road apiece, and no telling
what they believe in, but maybe
they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think
$50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick
replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic."
The little church in the suburbs suddenly
stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer
telephoned Deacon Brown to
ask why.
"I'll tell you why,"
shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be
used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted
the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them
all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some
golf pencils...each stamped with the words,
`Play Golf Next
Sunday.'"
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the
night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several
anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next
day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to
omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their
newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece
with the
following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot
be
published."
A couple had two little mischievous boys,
ages 8 and 10. They
were always getting into trouble, and their
parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons
would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in
town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed and asked to see
them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in
the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy
down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They
boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question.
"Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger i
n
the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy
screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and
dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"
The
younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG
trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
A
young lad was visiting a church for
the first time, checking all the
announcements and posters along the
walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he
asked a
nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the
pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the
service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning
service or the
evening service?"
A friend was in front of me coming out of
church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he
always is
to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled
him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the
Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you
except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in
the secret service.
It was about a month
ago when a man in
Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to
his
priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee
in
my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a
sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he
stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good
cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one
more
question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I
have to tell him the war is over?"
The two thousand member
Baptist church
was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The
preacher
was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long
black
coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of
the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other
stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their
coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle
announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet
for Jesus stay in your
seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The
deacons ran out
the door, followed by the choir director and the
assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people
left sitting in the
church. The preacher was holding steady in the
pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the
preacher, "All
right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You
may begin the
service."
A little nine year old girl was in church
with her mother when she
started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she
said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I
think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and
around to the back of the church and
throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did
you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church
and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of
the church, Mommy" the little girl
replied, "They have a box next
to the front door that says 'for the
sick'."
A man sobering up from the night before is
sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still
feeling hung over and
tired, he finally nods off.
The
priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover
and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to
make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those
wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."
The whole
room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the
preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to
find a
place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the
last part groggily stands up, only to
find that he's the only one
standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what
we're voting on
here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are
the only ones
standing for it!"
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars
like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a
penny?
God: Just a second.
God looks down and notices that Adam is all
alone
while all the animals have companions, so he decides to
create a
companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to
him, "Adam, you
are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to
create for you
the ultimate companion. She will worship the very
ground you walk on, she
will long for you and no other, she will be
highly intelligent, she
will wait on you hand and foot and obey your
every command, she will be
beautiful, and all it will cost you is
an arm and a leg." Thinking for a
few moments, Adam replies, "What
could I get for a rib?"
Sometimes
women are overly suspicious of
their husbands. When Adam stayed out
very late for a few nights,
Eve became upset. "You're running around
with other women," she
charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the
only
woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It
was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A priest and a nun are on their way
back
home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to
get
it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only
hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I
don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
sleep on
the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be
okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in
the room.
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly
cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I
don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wif
e just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get
up and get your own blanket.
A
preacher, who shall we say was "humor
impaired," attended a conference
to help encourage and better equip
pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well
known and dynamic speakers. One such
boldly approached the pulpit
and, gathering the entire crowd's
attention, said, "The best years of
my life were spent in the arms of a woman
that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by
saying, "And that woman was
my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and
delivered the rest
of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the
pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try,
and use that joke in
his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that
sunny Sunday,
he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly
seemed a bit
foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The
greatest years of my
life were spent in the arms of another woma
n that was not my wife!" The
congregation inhaled half the air in
the room. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds in the stunned
silence, trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the pastor
finally blurted out, "...and I can't
remember who she was!"
A preacher was completing a temperance
sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater
emphasis
he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take
it and
throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and throw
it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very
cautiously and announced
with a smile, "For our closing song, let
us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We
Gather at the River."
The preacher was wired for sound with a
lapel
mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking
the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it
again. After several circles and jerks, a little
girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he
gets loose, will
he hurt us?"
This minister just had all of his
remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first
Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached
only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25
minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he
responded this
way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it
hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a
lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...
and I
couldn't stop talking!
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home
and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her
charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I
wish to draw your attention
to the terrible plight of a poor family
in this district. The father is
dead, the mother is too ill to
work, and the nine children are
starving. They are about to be turned
into the cold, empty streets unless
someone pays their rent, which
amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.
"May I ask who you
are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his
handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm
the landlord," he sobbed.
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message
for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his
home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his
bedroom. As they entered
the room, the preacher held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit
on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped
their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said
anything.
Both the banker and lawyer
were touched and flattered that the preacher
would ask them to be
with him during his final moments. They were also
puzzled; the
preacher had never given them any indication that he
particularly liked
either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable
sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour
that
made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said,
"Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustere
d up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus
died between two
thieves, and that's how I want to go."
It seems that there was a little old church
out in the countryside: painted white and with a high
steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He
checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he
went
into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out
to the
church and began the job.
He got done with the first
side. It was looking great. But he noticed
he had already used a
half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town
and being the
creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner
in the shed out
back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He
finished the remaining three sides with that
last half gallon of
paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he
stepped
outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that
the first side
was looking great, but that the paint on the oth
er three sides had
washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky
in anguish and cried out, "What shall I
do?"
A voice came
back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no
more!"
The Baptist preacher just finished his
sermon for the day and
proceeded toward the back of the church for his
usual greetings and
handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult
hands he came upon the seven year old son
of one of the Deacons of the
church.
"Good morning,
Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to
shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's
hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said
Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for
you!"
"I
don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan
continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had
and
I want to help you."
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically
he
was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work
had
given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked
a woman
co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he
decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He
began attending
aerobics classes. He started working out with
weights. He changed his
diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant.
In six months, he was a
different man. Again, he asked his female
co-worker out, and this time she
accepted.
There he was, all
dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever
had. He stood
poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of
lightning
struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying,
he
turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now?
After
all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"
Fr
om up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize
you."
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it
important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they
went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog they liked
quite a lot. When they asked the dog to
fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with
dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home
(piously, of
course). That night they had friends over. They were
so proud of their
new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called the dog and
showed off a little. The friends were impressed,
and asked whether the dog
was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the
couple cold, as they hadn't thought
about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this
out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearl
y pronounced the
command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog
jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in
concentration, and bowed his head.
The Reverend
Billy Graham tells of a
time early in his ministry when he arrived in a
small town to preach a
sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a
young boy where the
post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham
thanked him
and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you
can hear
me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll
be there," the boy said. "You don't even know
your way to the post
office."
There's this cathedral that's still being
worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so
they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A
characteristic
of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be
closed
manually for them to be "called" to another floor.
One
day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the
top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the
sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the
sexton
rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up
for the
worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the
cathedral were
treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head
tipped up, yelling
up to the heavens:
"Peter! CLOSE THE
GATES!!!"
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman
to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he
asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law
says we should
stone her!" one of the crowd
responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first
stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked
the woman
on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus
cried, "I'm trying to make a point
here!"
A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing
golf. Sarah misses a 3
foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the
bugger!" and the nun says,
"If you keep saying that then God will
punish you." Next hole Sarah
misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn
it, missed the bugger!" and the
nun says, "ONE more time Sarah, and
God will punish you!" Then Sarah
misses a neoot putt and says "GOD
DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"
Suddenly clouds form overhead. God
comes down from Heaven and strikes the
nun dead with a bolt of
thunder.
God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"
God created the donkey &
said to him : "
You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens
on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no
intelligence &
you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. " The donkey answered: "
I will be a donkey,
but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only
20 years. God granted his
wish.
God created the dog and said to
him: "You will be a dog. " You will
guard the house of man. You
will be his best friend. You will eat the
scraps that he gives you and
you will live 25 years. You will be a dog.
" The dog answered: "
Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me
only 10 years. God
granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to
him: " You will
be a monkey. " You will swing from branch to branch
doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will
be a monkey.
" The monkey answered: " Sir, to live 20 years is too
much
, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God
created the man and said to him: " You will be a man, the
only
rational creature on the face of the earth. " You will use your
intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the
world
and you will live 20 years. Man responded: " Sir, I will be a man
but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the
donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years
the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives
20
years as a man, he marries and spend 30 years like a donkey,
working and
carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his
children are gone,
he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house
and eating
whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can
retire and live 10
years like a monkey, going from house to house,
from one son or
daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse
his grandchildren.
The Reverend
Francis Norton woke up
Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and
sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play
golf. So.... he
told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him
to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the associate pastor
left the room, Father Norton headed out
of town to a golf course about
forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on
the first tee, he was
alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and
everyone else was in
church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking
down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get
away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said,
"No, I guess
not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and
it shot straight towards the
pin, dropping just short of it,
rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS
A 420 YARD HOLE IN
ONE!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did
you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who's he going to tell?"
The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a
meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table
in
the Pope's private chambers. "What's that phone for?" he asks.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies.
The
Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and,
indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while.
After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is
great!
But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The
Pope
doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks
the counter
and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which
the Rabbi
gladly pays.
A couple of weeks later, the Pope is
in Jerusalem on an official visit.
In the Rabbi's chambers he sees
the identical phone he has with a
direct line to the Lord. The Pope
asks if he could use it, because there
were some urgent matt
ers he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly
hands him the
phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he
says: "Now I
also want to pay for my charges on your phone." The Rabbi
looks on
the counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised:
"Why
so cheap!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
Johnny was asked
by his mother what he
had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, mum, our teacher told us
how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea he had his
engineers build a pontoon
bridge and all the people walked across
safely. Then he used his
walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow
up the bridge and saved the
Israelites."
"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher
taught you?" his
mother asked.
"Well, no, mom, but if I told
it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it."
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary
Vincent,
are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing
in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of
nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at
them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary
Agnes, "What should we
do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on.
That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Mary
Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock
the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I
filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican," replies Sister
Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer.
The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs
on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sis
ter Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary
Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She
then
opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"
Three
Reform Rabbis were in a terrible
auto wreck. None
survived.
One minute they were driving
along the highway, talking and
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM!
they were before the
Creator of all.
Shaking his head, The
Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But
where will it end? You!
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My
people could
smoke while the Torah was being
read???"
Goldblum shuddered.
God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak,
but the Word
is strong!"
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but
really:
serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple
during Yom
Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can
allow to pass, even with the eating of that
which is not Kosher. I'm
not pleased at all with the playing fast
and loose with my peo
ple, but I can accept these
indiscretions."
Bauman also
heaved a sigh of relief.
Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and
says, "You, Rabinowitz,
have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No,
you flaunt
the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh
Hashana and
Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....
"Closed
for the Holiday !!!"
A very religious man lived right next
door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out,
and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the
atheist never even
looked twice at a church.
However, the
atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife,
and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious
man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was
getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the
day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honour you every day, I
ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin.
Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly
never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor
and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice w
as heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE
TIME!"
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many
years ago was
stranded late one night at a fashionable resort -
one that did
not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his
book and said, "Sorry, no
room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady
said, "But your
sign says that you have vacancies." The desk
clerk
stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews.
Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg
stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you
know I converted to your
religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little
test.
How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to
a virgin named Mary
in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very
good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied,
"He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk.
"And why was he born in a
manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly
, "Because a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish
lady a room for the night!"
There's
this old priest who got sick of
all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One
Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came
up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say
they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things
went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week
after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something
about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional,
they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to
laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code
word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're l
aughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
A mother was teaching her three
year old
daughter The Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she
repeated it after
her mother. One night she said she was ready to
solo. The
mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated
each
word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation",
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
When the airline
Captain announced they
were flying over Salt Lake
City, Utah, a woman
told the man
sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the
Mormon
religion
where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife."
That's
true," he replied, "as
a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon
myself and have nine wives."
"How
disgusting,"she said,"you
should be ashamed of yourself, such
practices should be against
the
law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said,
"Yes,
mam I am."
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After
not hearing anything
for a while the
Priest knocked on
the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no
paper in here
either.
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to
heaven. He's met by the
reception committee, and
after a whirlwind
tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad
recreations
available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original
text of
the Holy Scriptures, and
spends the next eon or so learning
the languages. After becoming a
linguistic master, he
sits down
in the library and begins to pore over every version of the
Bible,
working back
from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original
script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels
come
running to him, only to
find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying
to himself, and muttering,
"An 'R'! They left out
the
'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the
problem
is. After collecting
his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the
letter 'R' ... the word
was
supposed to be
CELEBRATE!"
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he
had lost his
favorite hat.
Instead of buying a
new one, he
decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule. When
he
got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a
pew
where he had to sit
and listen to the entiresermon on "The
Ten Commandments." After
church, the man met
the preacher in the
vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
told him "I want
to
thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to
steal
a hat and after
hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall
not steal' changed your
mind?"
Old Man: "No, the one about
adultery did.
As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old
hat!"
Moses,
Jesus and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to
the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and lands
in the water trap. Moses parts the water and
chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits
the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water
trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The
old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing
over
the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it
falls
into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the
fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops
down and
grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green
where a
lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the
ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in
-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't
stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
After church on
Sunday morning, a young
boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm
going to be a
minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us,"
the mother said, "But what made you
decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than
to sit still and listen.
A pious man who had reached the age of 105
suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old
fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi
asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at
services
anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice.
"I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I
expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100,
then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten
about
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
The Pope took a philosophy professor (an
atheist at that) out fishing on
a large lake. As they drifted on
the still lake, the philosopher
accidentally dropped an oar and
watched it float away. The pontiff
stepped out of the boat, walked across
the water to the oar, grabbed it
and walked back to the boat. The
next day at the university, a
colleague
asked the philosopher if
he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was
okay, but would you
believe that guy can't swim?"
What do you get
when you cross Holy
Water with castor oil?
A religious movement!
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together
on a
train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can
you advance in your
organization?"
The Priest says "If I am
lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any
higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works
are seen in a very good light that I might
be made an ArchBishop"
said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might
go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I
could be made a Cardinal"
"Could you be anything higher than a
Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest
said "I supose that I could be
elected Pope, but..."
So the
Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?,
is there any
way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the
Messiah himself!?!"
The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of ou
r boys made it."
A man is
struck by a bus on a busy
street in in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of
spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!"
the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no
minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man
says again. Then out of the
crowd steps a little old Jewish man of
at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even
a Catholic. But for fifty years now
I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue,
and every night I'm listening
to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be
of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought
the octogenarian over to where
the dying man lay. He kneels down,
leans over the injured and says
in a solemn voice:
"Under the B,
4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.
Under the G, 54. Under th
e O, 72. . ."
Did you hear about that guy
who was
asked to be a Jehovah's witness?
- He refused becuase he hadn't
seen the accident.
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an
accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in
his
book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked
it up in his
book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I
will show you your
eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They
walked along the clouds and came
to a huge mansion with all
sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter
turned to the lawyer
and told him this was to be his house. The Pope,
knowing how
important he was to the church could hardly imagine what
his
house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to
a
small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that
this would
be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to
St. Peter, "Just a
minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he
gets a mansion. I was the head
of the Roman Catholic church,
and this is all the reward I g
et?" St. Peter looked at the
Pope and said "True, you have done
great things. But
we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the
first
lawyer ever to make it up here."
One Sunday morning the pastor
noticed
little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung
in the foyer of
the church. The young man of seven had been staring
at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good
morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking
his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny
asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service",
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the
large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence
when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
A priest and a
rabbi operated a church
and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their
schedules
intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So
they did. They drove it home and parked it in the
street between
their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out
and saw the
priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't
need
a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was
doing.
"I'm blessing it" the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then
he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later
with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the
tailpipe.
There was an old
woman on a plane,
sitting next to
the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane
was
being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this
kindly old lady
looked upon Death's door, and said
to her papal neighbour. 'Father,
surely you can
do something about this...'
To which the Pope
replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in
sales, not management.'
Sister Mary burst into the office of the
principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an
advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you
hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "
Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well,
father" the nun
began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and
I
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious
infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has
me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were
wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the
highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the
priest, "What did you
do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING,
father."
"How much did you win?"
When this guy heard that the Pope was coming
to town, he went
out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the
Pope might notice
him on the parade route. When he went to the parade,
there was
this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on.
The
the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to
the
bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went
over
to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his
back. Next
day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when
the Pope came, he stopped in front of this
guy, and whispered in his
ear, "I thought I told you to get
the hell out of here!"
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what
portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The
first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a
few
paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
What
landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the
circle god
kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the
same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest
and
the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said,
"I've got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god
wants, god takes."
A few years ago, when
the Catholic
church reform began to be much
in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs.
Finkelstein, "Tell me,
Becky, have you heard by chance what's going
on in Rome?"
"No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going
on in Rome?"
"A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other
things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the
crucifixion of
Jesus."
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And
who is responsible,
then?"
"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz.
"I think they suspect the
Puerto Ricans."
On the steps of this church two pan handlers
were doing
their daily
business. One wore a large cross on his
chest and the other - a star
of David. Of course, most of the church
goers generously gave to the
cross wearer and the other was
overlooked.
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he
take
off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand
outs.
"Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his
cross
wearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!"
The
local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled
out of
the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll
not be seeing you in Heaven
one day."
"Really, Father?"
slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
The priest was preparing a man for his long
day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the Devil! Let him know
how little you think of his
evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still
the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to
denounce the Devil and his
evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I
know where I'm heading, I don't think I
ought to aggravate
anybody!"
Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley
checks estimates for the flower
decoration of the altar.
The
catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.
The
protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at
another
Christian believer, especially as the price difference is
rather
small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!
Religion or economics? After
much consideration, Solly obtains the
contract.
On Easter Sunday
morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers:
wonderful
roses,
azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last
reservations are discarded.
When the parishioners arrive in the church, they
see the magnificent
flower arrangement and a ribbon with the
inscription:
"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the
same."
Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing
for Passover?"
Jesus says, "Just hanging around."
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy
Hospital
(a Catholic hospital),
and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went
well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was
reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his
bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend
to
pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No,
I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?"
persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well,
do you have any close relatives?" the nun
questioned
sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's
a
humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are
not spinsters -
they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said
Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send
the bill to my brother-in
-law."
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic
Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and
a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the
picture.
Several years ago, the
Catholic Church
required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the
sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest
informs her that she
cannot enter without it.
A few moments
later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to
her head. The
shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to
enter this holy place
without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine
right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but
you still must
wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he
insists.
Jesus and Moses
are sitting in a boat
fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I
want to do a miracle so we can
feel like the good old days." and Moses
says "Yeah sure." So Jesus
gets up and says "I think I'll walk on
the
water, that was always
a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of
the
boat, steps
into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus
back
into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?"
and
Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"
A little Catholic
kid was praying as
hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a
car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was
empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no
answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his
parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls
of
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at
the very
bottom
of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting
down onto his knees again, 'if you
ever want
to see your
mother again...'
While leading the Friday evening
services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in
with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to
continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are
doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh,
come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't
believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not
a
proper
thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi,
"then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the
dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and
removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on
his
head) and prayer book
and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so
shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his
composure, he is so impressed with the
quality
of the praying he
says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would
consider
going to
Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust
says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
Three Pastors from the south were having
lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya
know, since summer started I've
been having trouble with bats in my
loft
and attic at church.
I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them
away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in
my belfry and
in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated,
and they won't go
away."
The third said, "I baptized all
mine, and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back
since!"
A little nine year old girl
was in
church with her mother when she started
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said.
"Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I
have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of
the church and throw up
behind a bush." In about two minutes the
little girl returned to her
seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother
asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have
gone all the way to the back of the church
and
return so
quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little
girl
replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says,
'For the
sick'."
The church was conducting its annual fund
drive. One member of the
congregation said, "I give ten dollars."
Just then, a piece of
plaster
fell from the ceiling and landed on
his head. He spoke up again
quickly.
"I give a thousand
dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"
A preacher was completing
a temperance
sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world, I'd
take it and throw it into the river."
With even
greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood
very cautiously and announced with
a smile, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
And Jesus said unto his disciples,
"Whom
do men say
that I am?"
And His disciples answered unto Him,
"Master,
thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation
of
omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute,
divine,
sacerdotal monarch."
And Jesus said, "What?"
Two nuns were driving alone out in the
boonies. They ran out of gas.
Fortunately they could walk to a gas
station not far away, where they
asked to purchase a can of
gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the
attendant, "but all I have for you
to carry it in is an old chamber
pot. The nuns agreed that this
would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the
gasoline into the tank, a man drove by,
stopped
his car, and said,
"Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
Q. How
can you tell if someone is half
Catholic and half Jewish?
A. When he goes to confession, he takes a
lawyer with him.
A Jesuit,
a Dominican and a Franciscan
were walking along an old road,
debating the greatness of their
orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the
Holy Family appeared in front of
them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary
and
Joseph praying over
him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come
with
awe at the
of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his
knees,
Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy
Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his
shoulder,
and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
On
the airplane on his way back to Rome,
the Pope was doing a crossword
puzzle. After a while, he turned the
the bishop sitting next to him and
said,
"What's a four -letter
word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?
The bishop said,
"Did
you try "aunt"?
The Pope said,
"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"
One day God called the Pope, and he
said
"John Paul I have good news and
bad news. First the good news. I am
tired of all the squabbling between
the religions. I have decided
there will be only the one true
religion".
The Pope was
overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then
asked
"What's
the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling
from
Salt Lake City.
A priest was vested in his surplus and
cassock ready to process at the
beginning of the service. His
surplus was very ornate and he was
swinging
the incense pot which had
smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on
the
shoulder and
said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on
fire!"
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when
he passed away,
the Lord
himself greeted him at the pearly gates
of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat,"
said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared
it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and
noticed
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries
and
vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were
hungry, and
Seymour
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a
can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below
Seymour
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be
in heaven as a
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is
heaven, and all I get to
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they e
at like Kings. I just don't
understand."
"To be honest,
Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does
it pay
to
cook?"
Before performing a baptism, the priest
approached the
young father and
said solemnly, "Baptism is a
serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My
wife has made appetizers and we
have a
caterer coming to
provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our
guests."
"I don't
mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you
prepared
spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a
case of
whiskey."
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it
important to
own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So,
they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog
they
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog
to fetch the Bible, he did
it
in a flash. When they instructed
him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws
with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went
home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They
were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills,
they called the dog and showed
off a little.
The friends were
impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do
any
of the
usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this
out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounce
d the command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put
his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and
bowed his head.
A little boy
was learning about God in
his church, and he was talking to
his mother about it. She, not
wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy's mind, sat him and said:
"God is not a man or a woman, and God
is not
black or
white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"
Johnny is walking along and a priest is
coming the other way. Johnny says,
"Hey, mister, why are you
wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a
father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't
wear
his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't
understand, son. I have thousands of
children."
Johnny says, "You
should wear your trousers backwards."
A man
walked into a gift shop that sold
religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps
with "WWJD"
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the
letters
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the
clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would
Jesus
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but
rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same
situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
sure
Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
Is there a
God?
A billion Hindus
can't be wrong.
What is the meaning of life?
All
evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
What language do the
Vatican Police
speak?
Pig Latin!
A minister was asked by a
politician,
"Name something the government can do to help the church."
The
minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
An old rabbi
is talking with one of his
friends and
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts
today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The
rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three
marriages."
The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could
understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I
do this for
free?"
Knowing that the minister was very fond of
cherry brandy, one of the
church elders offered to present him with
a bottle on one consideration
-
that the pastor acknowledge
receipt of the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the
good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later,
the elder turned at
once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister
extends
his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of
fruit and for the spirit in
which it was given."
At the first session of a conversion class
the
minister conducting the class asked, "What must
we do before
we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
After a long silence, one
of the men in attendance
raised his hand and said:
"Sin?"
Morris was passing a small courtyard and
heard voices
murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large
zero in the middle and
a banner that said 'N I L'.
White-robed
people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns
to The Great
Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in
the Sky.
Morris
turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
....
...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
The congregation was sitting and waiting for
the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into
the
church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet
for
Jesus better leave now." More than half of the
congregation jumped
up and ran out the door.
The two men took off their masks, sat
in the front row
and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All
the
hyprocrites are gone."
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's
witness with a
business man?
A door to door salesman!
A kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while
they were drawing. She walked around to
look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one
knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
How do Religious Education
teachers mark
exams?
With spirit levels.
Examiner: I think you know very little, if
anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage?
Student: 'Judas departed and went and hanged himself.'
Examiner: Well, that's a surprise. Can you quote another?
Student:
'Go thou and do likewise.'
Jill: Have you read the Bible?
Jack: No,
I'm waiting for the film to come round.
What's black and
white, black and
white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
At what time of day was Adam born?
Just
before Eve.
What did Adam do when he wanted some
sugar?
He raised Cain.
Who is the fastest runner in
history.
Adam - because he was the first in the human race.
Three Pastors from the south were having
lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been
having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've
tried
everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my
belfry and
in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they
won't go
away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and
made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"
God is sitting up in his ivory
tower,
he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the
number
one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his super-being
mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions. "What about
Mars," says one of them. "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says
God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about
Pluto,"
suggests another. "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago," says
God. "Fucking freezing it was too." "What about Mercury," says
another. "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly
burnt
me bollox off it was that hot, never again," says God. "What
about
Earth then," suggests another. "You must be joking," says God,
"I went
there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird,
and they're
still bloody talking about it."
Who was the best actor in the bible
?
Samson, he brought the house down !
What's the moral of the story
about
Jonah and the whale ?
You can't keep a good man down !
Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect
!
Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil
the hell out of it.
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers
asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following
Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she
had
learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby
said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny
said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know
how
to
drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that,
Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving
down the
highway,
and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of
us and Daddy yelled at
him,
'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn
how to drive?'"
