Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!
Teacher: Who can tell me where
Hadrians Wall
is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
Teacher: Why
does the statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best
teacher in
the school
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is
4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair!
You answer the easy ones and leave us with
the hard one!
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it
remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to
see!
Why did the teacher put the
lights
on?
Because the class was so dim!
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up
and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and
down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a
0!
Great news, teacher says we have a test today
come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing
outside!
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything
I
had
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the
mugger took everything
I had
Where did all the cuts and blood come
from?
The school went on a trip!
What's the worst thing you're likely to
find in the school cafeteria?
The food!
What kind of food do maths teachers
eat?
Square meals!
The food in our school canteen is
perfect.
If your a bug!
What's black and white all over and
difficult?
An exam paper!
Why aren't you doing very well in
history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I
was born!
What was King Arthur's favourite
game?
Knights and crosses!
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes,
the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!
Father:
How do you like going to
school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm
not
too keen on the time in-between!
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you
to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At
once!
Where did the pilgrims land when they came to
America?
On their feet!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of
school
this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the
other half this afternoon!
Teacher: Is
Lapland heavily
populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teacher: Name an
animal that lives in Lapland!
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now
name another.
Class: Another reindeer!
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have
there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What
will you give me?
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me.
Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having
trouble listening!
Teacher: What are
the Great
Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!
Son: I can't go to school today.
Father:
Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't you feel
well?
Son: In school!
Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith
then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that?
Pupil: He
doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!
I
failed every subject except for
algebra.
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take algebra!
Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes
and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at
math!
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi
such an
unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Teacher: You're new
here aren't you,
what's your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and
won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is
this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
Father: I hear you skipped school
to play
football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!
A history joke
Teacher: When was Rome
built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
Pupil:
Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a
day!
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I
didn't know where the
Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time
remember where you put things!
Mother: What
was the first thing you
learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
Teacher: What's big
and yellow and comes
in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The school bus!
Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put
your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get bitten!
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't
you?
Pupil: Not very much!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in
the washing
machine
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
homework?
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to
your already
heavy workload.
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!
Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why
were
you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teacher: It's
three in the afternoon!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so
they could study how
the human brain worked
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved
away
Teacher:
Can anyone tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn
it to stop
ourselves from freezing
Mother: What did you learn in school
today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know,
they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to
tell you off this week, what have you got to say about
that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!
Teacher: Didn't you hear me call
you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
Why was the headmaster
worried?
Because
there were too many rulers in school!
Why did the teacher
wear
sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!
Did you hear about the cross eyed
teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong
to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!
What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its
back?
A dead school bus!
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at
Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
Teacher: You copies from
Fred's exam paper
didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says
"I don't know" and you have put "Me,
neither"!
Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any
five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do
it then, I'm nearly ten!
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my
questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point
in me being
here!
Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother
Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!
Dad, can you
help me find the lowest common
denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they
haven't found it yet, I remember looking for
it when I was a boy!
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the
bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I
gave
you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass
but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the
grass!
My teacher reminds me of
history
She's
always repeating herself!
Teacher: Did your parents help you
with
these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!
Father: What did the
teacher think of your
idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really?, what did she
say?
Son: Baa!
What do history teachers make when they want to
get
together?
Dates!
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead
Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!
Father: How were the
exam
questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions
didn't give me any trouble, just the
answers!
What are you going to be when you get out of
school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not
enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
Mother: How was your first
day at
school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept
spoiling all our fun!
I'm not going back to school ever again
Why
ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask
questions!
Fred came home from his first day at school.
"Nothing exciting
happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher
didn't know how to spell
cat so I told her"
What happens if you draw on the blackboard and
the
teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this
test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could
give
you!
Father: You were absent on the day of the
test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you
haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad
says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it
settles down!"
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the
combination!
Why do teachers
use a bamboo
cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
Sandy began a
job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help. One
day during recess she noticed a girl
standing by herself on one side of a
playing field while the rest of
the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at
the other.
Sandy
approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the
same
spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy
offered, "Would you like me to be your
friend?"
The girl
hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great
exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now,
students, if I
stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run
into it, and I should
turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the
boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice from the
back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; she's still
old, nasty, and wrinkled"
A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
class for the third
time that week. Before class ended he went around
the room asking
students some questions about the day's lecture. Of
course, he made
sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed
the theories behind communism?" the
professor asked.
"I
don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on
time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,"
said the professor.
"That's
not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention
anyway!"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. "In English," he said, "A double negative
forms a positive. In
some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein
a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the
back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and went back to his
desk to wait. Once the test was over,
the students all handed the
tests back in. The professor noticed that one
of the students had
attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying
"A dollar per
point." The next class the professor handed the tests
back out. This
student got back his test and $56 change.
One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
student rudely interrupted
to ask, "Why do we have to learn this
pointless
information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps
the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied
the
professor.
A student called up his Mom one evening from
his college and asked her for some money, because he was
broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also
left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do
you
want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K."
responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up
in a package,
kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to
mail the money and the
book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how
much did you give the
boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two
checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to
him."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry
hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald
head, "I taped
the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the
$1,000 one
somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
One year, two guys took
the class and did pretty well on all the
quizzes and mid-terms--so
much so that going into the final, they each had a
solid A. These
two friends were so confident going into the final that
the weekend
before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on
Monday,
they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with
some
friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and
tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't
make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking
the final then, they
found professor Bonk after the final and
explained to him how they
missed the final. They told him they went up
to the University of Virgina
for the weekend and had planned to come
back in time to study, but they
had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't
fix it for a long
time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over
and agreed that they could take the final the
following day. The
two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and
went in the
next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed
them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told
them to
begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple
about
molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they
thought,
"this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the
page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The
question contained
only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
A student comes to a young
professor's
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,
kneels
pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer
to him,
flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I
mean..." she
whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He
returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens.
"Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to
a whisper. "Would you...study?"
Man: "How's
your history paper
coming?"
Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet
for research, and it's been very helpful.
Man:
"Really?"
Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell
them!"
A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in, so they decided
to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school,
their son comes racing into the house, goes
straight into his room
and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a
little worried about this
and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find
him sitting at
his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that
for the rest
of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his
report
card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see
under
math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed
your mind
about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and
dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I
walked into the
classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the
back of the room
behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant
business."
The parents were very disappointed in the
grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in
these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never
cheated during his exams."
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think
so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report
card."
A little girl came home from
school and
said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for
something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's
terrible! I'm going to have a talk
with your teacher about this ... by
the way, what was it that you
didn't do?"
The little girl
replied, "My homework."
A teacher was having
trouble teaching
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached
in your right
pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left
pocket and
found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's
pants."
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a
tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam,
bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
The teacher came up with a good problem.
"Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and
six
of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None,"
answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your
arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all
go!"
The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the back row. The
teacher shouts to the sleeping
student's neighbor, "Hey wake that
student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him
up!"
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in
my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little
quieter, I
could.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up"
said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence,
one freshman rose to his
feet.
"Now then mister, why do you
consider yourself an idiot?" enquired
the teacher with a
sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself."
"Isn't the principal a
dummy!" said a boy
to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the
girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I
am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph:
Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do
with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go
Slow!"
A little kid's in
school, taking a
true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end
of the test he's
flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are
you doing?" He
says, "Checking my answers."
What do you get when
you add 2 apples to 3
apples? A senior high school math problem.
How
many schoolteachers does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is
added to the
homework.
How many students does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.
Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
"Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously
deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect
your
feelings."
A school teacher injured his back and had to
wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it
under his shirt
and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of
the term, still
with the cast under his shirt, he found himself
assigned to the toughest
class in the school.
Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as
wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom
became a
bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his
tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as
the
class become more and more unmanageable.
Finally,
becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took
a big
stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several
places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
Did you hear what
happened when there was
an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school
nurse sent everyone
to the croakroom.
Teacher: Why do you want to
work in a bank,
Alan?
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.
Teacher: Didn't you know the
bell had
gone?
Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.
What's the longest piece of furniture in the
school? The multiplication table.
Teacher: What happened to your
homework?
Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.
School
Principal: I've called you into my
office, Peter, because I want to
talk to you about two words I wish
you wouldn't use so often. One is
"great" and the other is
"lousy." Peter: Certainly, sir. What are
they?
'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander
said to his mother.
'The teachers bully me and the boys in my class
don't like me.'
'Why ?'
'Firstly, you're 35 years old.
Secondly, you're the
principal.'
Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to
go out after school. I
promised Dad that I would stay in and help
him with my homework.
'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the
girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If India has the
world's
second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it
costs $3
for a day return to Austin, how old am I ?
'Thirty
two!'
'Why did you say that ?'
'Well, my brother's sixteen and
he's half mad !'
Mother: Did you
enjoy the school outing,
dear ?
Jane: Yes, and we're going again tomorrow.
Mother: Really ?
Why's that ?
Jane: To try and find the kids we left behind.
Why were you late ?
Sorry, teacher, I
overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too !
Teacher: That's quite a
cough you have
there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What
will you give me ?
Our teacher
talks to herself does yours
?
Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening
!
Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ?
Pupil:
I did, I shook my head
Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it
rattling from here do you
!
Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day
without having to tell
you off.
Pupil: You have my permission
!
The brain is a wonder ful thing
Why do you
say that ?
Because it starts working the second you get up in the
morning and
never stops until you get asked a question in class !
Be sure that you go
straight home after
school
I can't, I live just round the corner !
Playing truant from school
is like a credit
card
Fun now, pay later !
Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you
get detention alone !
Teacher: Where is the English Channel
?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up
Teacher: Why does the
statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour ?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down !
Teacher: Give me three reasons
why the
world is round
Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so
!
Teacher:
Are you good at math ?
Pupil:
Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at
math !
Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !
Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and
down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Well,up and
down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
The
teacher was reviewing counting with her
first-grade class. "Jackie,"
she asked, "can you count to 10
without mistakes?"
"Yes," said Jackie, and she did.
"Now, Fred," said
the teacher, "can you count from 10 to 20?"
"That depends," said
Fred, "with or without mistakes"!
Teacher:
Can you count to 10?
Fred: Yes,
teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine,
ten.
Teacher: Now go on from there.
Fred: Jack, Queen, King.
Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another
there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fred (surprised):
Why not?
Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is
the difference?
Stella: That's what I say, what's the
difference`?
Fred: I've
added these figures ten times.
Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answers !
Teacher: If I gave you three
rabbits today
and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?
Jackie:
Nine.
Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight.
Jackie: No,
Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at
home!
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days
she asked us how much
is two and two. We told her it was four. But
she still doesn't know.
Today she asked us again!"
How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've
learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me
trouble.
Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother:
Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things: I got 50 in
Spelling and 50 in History.
Mother: Well, at least you can add !
If you had one dollar and you
asked your
father for another, how many dollars would you have?
One dollar.
You don't know your arithmetic.
You don't know my father !
Jackie stood quietly as her father
examined
her report card.
"What is this 45 in math?" asked her father.
"I
think that's the size of the class," she said quickly!
If I had
five coconuts and I gave you
three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why not ?
In our
school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
The
teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on
counting. Jackie got things
started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now,
Fred," said the teacher, "you take
over, beginning with
11."
"11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred.
"What kind of counting is that'?"
asked the teacher
"Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling
signals."
Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the
fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in yesterday and he
hasn't drunk
that yet !
Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
Pupil
: No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !
Teacher : What are
you reading ?
Pupil :
I dunno !
Teacher : But you're reading aloud !
Pupil : But I'm
not listening !
Teacher : What's happens to gold
when it
is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It's stolen !
Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word
lettuce !
Pupil : Let us out of school early !
Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while
studying.
Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling !
Teacher : Give
me a sentence with the words
defence, defeat and detail in it.
Pupil : When a horse jumps over
defence, defeat go before detail
!
Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk
and the boy next to you
took three what would you have ?
Pupil :
A fight !
Teacher : What is a comet ?
Pupil : A star
with a tail
Teacher: Can you name one ?
Pupil: Lassie !
Teacher : The word politics - can you give me
an
example of how to use it ?
Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch
and now Polly ticks !
Teacher : What is the most common phrase used
in school ?
Pupil : I don't know
Teacher: Correct !
Teacher : Why are you the only child in the
classroom today ?
Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't
have school dinners
yesterday !
Father: Well Son, how are your exam results
?
Son: They're under water
Father: What do you mean ?
Son: Below
"C" level !
Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30
minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for the answer sir
!
Teacher : What are you doing,
crawling into
school ten minutes late ?
Pupil : Well you told me never to walk
into school ten minutes late
!
Where do children learn their ABC's ?
At
LMN-tary school !
Teacher : Tommy you try my patience !
Tommy:
No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it
!
Teacher: This note from your father looks like
your handwriting ?
Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed my pen !
Teacher : Would you at the
back of the room
stop passing notes.
Pupil : We're not passing notes. We're playing
cards !
Are you in
the top half of your class
?
No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible !
Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good,
but where is the wagon ?
Pupil: The horse will draw it !
Teacher: Why are you picking your
nose in
class ?
Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home !
Teacher : Why are you
reading the last
pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know how it ends
!
Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many would
you have
?
Pupil: One big haystack !
Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting
our waters ?
Pupil: Stop taking baths ?
Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your
head overnight ?
Pupil : Of course, I've had this cold in my head
for two days !
What
do French pupils say after finishing
their school dinners ?
Mercy !
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in
class ?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !
How do bees get to
school ?
By school
buzz !
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in
just
one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !
Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning
?
About an hour and a half after I arrived at school
Mother: How do you
like your new teacher
?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and
then
she didn't give me one !
Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Son:
Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper
!
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds
there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
Teacher: This is the third
time I've had
to tell you off this week, what have you got to say
about
that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my
questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point
in me being here
!
Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a
liquid that won't freeze
?
Pupil: Hot water !
Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28
days
?
Pupil: All of them !
Teacher: What is can't short for ?
Pupil:
Cannot miss
Teacher: and what is don't short for
Pupil: Doughnut
!
Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in
Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest
sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment !
Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on
the map please ?
Pupil: There it is
Teacher: Now, Louise, who
discovered Australia ?
Pupil: Fred did !
Teacher: What's the longest word in the
English
language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the
first and last
letters
Teacher: I wished you would pay a little
attention
Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !
Teacher: In what part of the
world are the
people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
Teacher: Why do you say
that ?
Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most
dense !
Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read
Shakespeare ?
Pupil: No
Teacher: What have you read then
?
Pupil: Umm, I've got red hair !
Teacher: In music, if "f" means
"forte",
what does "ff" mean ?
Pupil: Eighty
Teacher: Can you tell me something important
that
didn't exist 100 years ago ?
Pupil: Me !
Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your
ears, do
you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that
things go in one ear and out the other
so I am trying to keep them
it all in!
Teacher: Name two pronouns ?
Pupil: Who ?,
me ?
Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing
has improved.
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can see how bad
your spelling is though !
Pupil: The
art teacher doesn't like what
I'm making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?
Pupil:
Mistakes !
Mother: "Why are you home from school so
early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: "Who threw the
eraser at the principal?"
Principal: Do you do
your homework?
Kid:
Now & Then
Principal: Where do you do it?
Kid: Here &
There
Principal: Put him in the closet!!!
Kid: Hey, When will I get
out?
Principal: Oh, sooner or later
Science teacher: What happened when
electricity was first discovered?
Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.
Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last
year.
Jaspar: Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.
Teacher: What is the formula for
water ?
George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you ?
George: Sure, you said H to O !
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an
example of
COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same
time."
Q: What did one math book say to the
other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!
Q. Why did the jellybean go to
school?
A. Because he wanted to be a smarty
