After my wife and her former best buddy,
another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted
one
husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means
of communication. When our phone
bills showed astronomical
increases, the other spouse and I sought
relief. Since we both owned
computers, we
encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they
call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent,
then
call back to confirm that it
arrived and have a conversation about
the contents!
What do you call
an elephant in a phone
box?
Stuck.
What do ghosts use to phone home?
A
terror-phone.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
telephone.
Doctor: Why's that?
I keep getting calls in the night.
At three o'clock one morning a
veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his
telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if
I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all
right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."
Why did the alien phone home on his mobile?
Because it was so ET !
Who was that on the phone, Fred?
Fred:
No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance
from
Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down
!
Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone
cut off?
Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
The new office-boy came
into his boss's
office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone,
sir."
"What d'you mean, you think?" demanded the boss.
"Well, sir, the
phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'is that
you, you old
fool?"
Mother: Why was the phone busy all
night?
Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang
one evening. When he answered, the operator said, "This is long
distance from Chicago." "I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!"
answered the farmer. "How come you called to tell me that?"
Moody was
awakened by the telephone at
four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy,
Crumm, calling long
distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?"
asked Moody. "Are you in
trouble?" "No!" said Crumm.
"What do you want, then?" "Nothing!"
"Then how come you are
calling me in the middle of the night?"
asked Moody. "Cause!" said the
other redneck, "the rates is
cheaper!"
Kelso met Hensley on the
street. "Hey!"
said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you
call me
on the telephone?" "You ain't got no tellyphone!" said
Hensley. "I
know," said Kelso. "But you do!"
A man and a couple of
his friends had
just finished a round of golf at the country club and
they were
changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The
man picked
it up and answered it.
"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.
"Hi honey," replied the man.
"I was just calling to
tell you about this fur coat I found today.
It's beautiful fox fur
and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on
sale too, a real
bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get
it?"
The
man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a
good
deal?"
"Oh yes," replied the woman.
"Okay then, I guess
you can get it," replied the man.
The woman continued,"Oh, and
you know how we've been thinking about
getting rid of the Lexus
and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the
dealership today and
the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower
the price from
$50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"
The man
thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good
deal, then
yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."
The woman continued again.
"Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that
house we saw last month
that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and
think about? Well,
it's on the market again, so I checked the price.
It's down to
$450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in
the
checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get
it?"
The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them
down
to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."
The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so
much! I'll
see you when I get home! Bye!"
"Bye," said the man.
He hung up the phone and looked at the other men
in the locker room
and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this
is?"
Harry was madly in love with Betty, but
couldn't pluck up enough
courage to pop the question face to face.
Finally he decided to ask her on
the telephone. 'Darling!' he
blurted out, 'will you marry me?'
'Of course, I will, you silly boy,'
she replied, 'who is it
speaking?'
How does a skeleton call her friends?
On
a telebone.
What asks no question but demands an
answer?
A doorbell or a ringing telephone.
What did the man say when he got a
big
phone bill?
"Who said talk is cheap?"
Why is an engaged girl like a
telephone?
Because they both have rings.
If you cross a telephone and a lobster
what will you get?
Snappy talk.
If you cross a telephone and a pair of
scissors, what do you get?
Snippy answers.
What kind of phone makes music?
A
saxophone.
Why did the girl who worked for the
telephone company
sing all the time?
Because she was an operetta
(operator).
Who invented the telephone?
The
Phoenicians (phone-itions).
How do Iranians speak on the
telephone?
Persian-to-Persian (person-to-person).
How did the telephones get married ?
In a
double ring ceremony !
What do you call a telephone call from
one vicar to another ?
A parson to parson call !
What do you get if you cross a telephone
and a marriage bureau ?
A wedding ring !
What do you get if you cross a pig and a
telephone ?
A lot of crackling on the line !
When doesn't a telephone work
underwater?
When it's wringing wet!
Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my
boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour?
Operator: No, but
if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along
with you.
What do you get when you cross a telephone
with a pair of
pants?
Bell-bottoms!
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
You get a buzzy signal.
Party Host: Hello?
Phone Caller: I'm
trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima.
Could you please
ask if anybody at your party knows her?
Party Host: I'd be glad
to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but
does anybody know Ima
Nidiot?
Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an
ambulance!
Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!
Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know
what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls
any
longer!
Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are
long enough
already!
Hello, police? Please send an officer over
to 324 London Road
right away!
Sorry, this isn't the police
station. It's the Delicatessen.
Oh. Well, in that case, please send
over a pastrami sandwich!
What do
you get if you cross a phone
with a rooster?
A wake-up call!
What animals talk on the telephone the most?
The yakety-yaks!
Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is
so
stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take
something for
that cold.
Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest
of the day off!
What do you get if you cross a telephone
with a fat football player?
A wide receiver.
What do you get if you cross a telephone
with a
night crawler?
Ringworm!
How do scaredy-cats answer the phone?
Yellow?
How do, like, really laid-back types answer
the phone?
Mellow.
Why did the chicken walk on the telephone
wire?
She wanted to lay it on the line!
How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
They both have rings!
What did the answering machine say to the
telephone?
Take my word for it.
How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
H-E-L-L-O!
How does a lobster answer the phone?
Shello?
How does a door chime answer the phone?
Bella?
How can you tell if someone who's just had
a perm is on the phone?
You get a frizzy signal!
How can you tell if someone who's having a
temper tantrum is on the phone?
You get a tizzy signal!
What happened to the little frog who sat on
the telephone?
He grew up to be a bellhop!
When does a horse talk on the phone?
Whinny wants to!
How does a football player make phone calls?
On a touch-down phone.
How does a baritone make phone calls?
Song distance!
How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
Collect!
What do you get if you cross a phone with a
birthday
celebration?
A party line!
What do you get if you cross a phone with a
birthday
celebration?
A party line!
What do you get if you cross a phone with a
mouthwash?
Tele-Scope.
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of
a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell
who is speaking or
where the voices are coming from?" asked the
psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And
when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the
patient, "when I answer the telephone."
What do
you call the sound a ghost makes
when he calls you?
A phone moan.
How does a baboon make phone calls?
He
just monkeys around on the line!
What do you get if you cross a
telephone
with an iron?
A smooth operator!
What kind of music do phones love to hear?
A symphony
How that we are engaged I hope you'll give
me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number ?
Why are there so many Johnson
in he
phone book?
They all have phones.
