A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they
told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face
replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been
asking that question
all day, and each time I get a different
answer."
A man had been
driving all night and by
morning was still far from his destination. He
decided to stop at the
next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so
he could get an hour
or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet
place he chose
happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes. No sooner
had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking
on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The
man
looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said
thanks
and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off
when
there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The
jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers
passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another o
ne
disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper
and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once
again he
settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there
was another
knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
How can you tell when witches are carrying
a
time bomb?
You can hear their brooms tick!
What did the Loch Ness Monster say to
his
friend?
Long time no sea.
What time is it when you sit on a pin?
Spring
time.
That boy is so dirty, the only time he washes his
ears is when he eats watermelon.
What time is it when an elephant
sits on your
car?
Time to get a new car.
If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is
it?
Twenty after one.
Customer: I'd like a watch that tells
time.
Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time?
Customer: No, you
have to look at it.
For a weddin' present
Ledbetter gave his son
Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him,
"W'atcha
do with the money, son?"
"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!"
answered the boy.
"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew
should 'av bought
yoreself a rifle!"
"A rifle? What fer?"
"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid
yore
wife," explained the older redneck.
"W'atcha gonna
do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"
What are your two favourite times to party?
Daytime and night-time!
'I hope you're not one of those boys who
sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new
boy.
'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at
three-fifteen.'
The proud owner of an impressive new clock was
showing it off to a
friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14
days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how
long will it go if you do
wind it ?'
Why did your sister shoot the alarm clock
?
Because she felt like killing time.
Why did the girl sit on her
watch?
She
wanted to be on time.
Julie: What time is it?
Counsellor: Three
o'clock.
Julie: Oh,no!
Counsellor: What's the matter?
Julie:
I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a
different
answer!
What kind of watch is best for people who don't
like
time on their hands?
A pocket watch.
Why did the kid put his clock in the oven.
He
wanted to have a hot time.
What time is it when a clock strikes
thirteen?
Time to get it fixed.
Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He
wanted to work overtime.
One day a man met three beggars. To the first he
gave a dime, to the second a dime, and to the third a nickel. What
time
was it?
A quarter to three.
Why is the time in the USA behind that of England
?
Because England was discovered before the USA !
Do you know the time
?
No, we haven't
met yet !
1st Roman Soldier: What is the time ?
2nd
Roman Soldier: XX past VII !
While proudly showing off his new
apartment
to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is
the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends
asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it
work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the student said then proceeded to
give the gong an ear
shattering pound with the
hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT
OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A
man with two watches is never sure.
What dog can tell the time ?
A watch dog !
What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat
down
the street?
Five after one.
What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber
take
the family silver?
Time to get a new watchdog.
When is the best time to go shopping?
When the
stores are open.
Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is
around?
Because time will tell.
Why couldn't the clock be kept in
jail?
Because time was always running out.
Why do people beat their clocks?
To kill
time.
If your watch is broken, why can't you go
fishing?
Because you don't have the time.
When do clocks die?
When their time is up.
